Collide
by Robicorn
Summary: Two lost souls trying to figure out where they belong, collide. What happens when Isabella wants out of the plain life she leads that Edward wants to be accepted into?
1. Chapter 1

**This is owned by SM not me. **

**Thanks to the awesome ScottishRose1028 for beta'ing this story for me! I am excited to work with her on this story!**

**Collide**

_Two lost souls trying to figure out where they belong, collide. What happens when Isabella wants out of the plain life she leads that Edward wants to be accepted into? Will Edward face what he is running from to leave with Bella? Or will Bella surrender and embrace her culture?_

Isabella woke up before the sun every morning. This day was no different from any other day at Nickle Mine. She dressed quickly in her calf length blue dress, carefully tied the black apron around her waist and made sure her bonnet was secure atop her neat bun. She had two options when fixing her hair; bun or braids. She refused to wear braids since her sister had gone.

She resented the attire she was forced to wear day in and day out. It was so plain, although that was the point. According to her culture clothes should not draw attention, the common theme is plainness.

Isabella longed to continue learning, but had already graduated school at eighth grade. At the young age of fifteen, it was expected that Isabella would begin Rumspringa. So, when she was sixteen she could become baptized and solidify herself as a member of the Amish church and be able to marry.

The thought revolted her. She was quite certain she would follow in her sister's footsteps and leave the Amish way of living behind. She missed Rose desperately. She wasn't even allowed to mutter her name, and if her father found the letters they had been writing to each other since Rose was shunned, she was sure to be punished. Their father, Charles, was the bishop. It was his strong views on shunning that made it a strong possibility that she would never see her sister again. Not unless she was brave enough to endure being shunned.

Rose was happy, in love with Emmett McCarty whom she met while she was on Rumspringa. The time was designed for the youth to "run around" until it was time to fully commit to living a plain life. She lived only about forty minutes away. Emmett was a hard working man, and provided Rose the help she needed in completing her education. According to her last letter she just received her high school diploma and was applying to several colleges. Isabella was jealous that her older sister was able to do the things she dreamed of.

It wasn't as if Isabella didn't love her family, or love the Lord, but she wanted more. She was a simple young woman, but very bright. She felt as if she couldn't live up to her full potential living as an Amish woman.

There was nothing Isabella enjoyed about sewing, she was awful at it. She always ended up sticking her finger with the sharp needles. She also hated scrubbing the clothes on the laundry board, milking the cows, and baking. She wasn't the best singer so the weekly sing alongs for the youth in her community made her uncomfortable. She found the smell of hay, and barn animals nauseating. It was as if she was born into the wrong world.

Rose on the other hand, was very talented. Her quilts were always perfectly done, her food always cooked to perfection, and when she sang it sent chills up and down your spine. It was such a shock when Rose declared she found love and wanted to marry outside of the Amish community. She seemed so well suited for the simple life.

Isabella was sad that she didn't even have a photograph of Rose it was frowned upon to use photography. Isabella relied on her sketches of Rose to remember her beautiful sister.

What Isabella did enjoy was learning, reading books, playing piano, and drawing. All things that were not taken seriously, and frowned upon if one spent too much time in their indulgences.

She didn't have a choice but to go out and milk the cow, or help her mother, Renee, sew a quilt. It was the Amish way.

Her thoughts drifted to her sister living a modern life,; she wanted to believe she was as strong as Rose and would be able to leave one day as well- though she did have doubts. She loved her father more than anything. The thought of him shunning her made her stomach twist and turn into a big lump.

She couldn't stand the idea of breaking his heart the way Rose had. The Amish man does not show many emotions, but Isabella hadn't failed to notice the sounds of her father crying some nights over the loss of Rose. It might as well have been that she was dead. It pained Isabella to think that her loving father would lose both his daughters.

Isabella was excited - in two days time school would begin, and Mary Alice had asked her to be her teacher's assistant this year at the one room school house. With the new school year also loomed her sixteenth birthday, which only reminded her of her father's expectations. Charles was expecting his daughter to spend the year with relaxed rules so that by this time next year she would be ready to commit to live plain, to become married, and to serve God.

Although she didn't feel ready to be married in a year's time, she toyed with the idea of following Mary Alice's footsteps and becoming a teacher. Mary Alice had become very close to Jasper Hale, and once she married she could no longer hold her position in the community as a teacher. Relationship's were not openly discussed, and people did not pry or ask questions.

Charles was hoping Isabella would find love with Jacob Black, his best friend's son. Isabella enjoyed Jacobs company, and she knew the others in the community thought that they were on track to become married someday, seeing as Isabella had ridden with him in his courting buggy last week after the sing-along. She felt bad leading him on, but she couldn't tell him her plans to leave one day. She knew Jacob would not leave with her.

Isabella set the table for breakfast with her mother as her father Charles came in from the barn. The once larger family sat at the table and held hands as Charles thanked their Heavenly Father for the meal they were about to receive.

"I have some important news to share," Charles said, stroking his long beard. "Remember I was talking to you about Edward Cullen? Well, he has decided he wants to join the Amish community and become baptized. Of course I told him he would have to live with us for at least a year before we would baptize him into the church. He is expected to arrive today before dinner - Izzy, you make sure the guest room is ready for him." Charles wasn't asking, he was telling.

"Brutzing!" Isabella complained. It upset her a great deal to have her father refer to Rose's room as a 'guest room.'

"Don't be a nix nootze, Izzy!" Charles warned his daughter.

"I am not a child," Isabella boldly spoke back to her father.

"You will do as I say, do you understand?" Charles demanded.

"Yah, well," Isabella said with a thick German accent.

Isabella couldn't understand why on Earth anyone would chose to live like this. She felt as if she were in a prison, bound not by shackles or bars, but by expectations and fear. She had no idea that the young man due that evening had once physically been bound by shackles and bars. That he knew true fear, and failed to meet the expectations once set for him.

The new addition to her home knew nothing of forgiveness, or how to bestow it upon others or himself. Isabella couldn't have known he was seeking the answers he felt that the Amish held.

Edward Cullen wanted nothing to do with the life he was living. As a twenty-one year old man, he had experienced enough pain for three lifetimes; he didn't wish the pain on his worst enemy. His life was never simple, never plain, and he thought the Amish seemed to have the right idea.

He longed for his biggest task of the day to be plowing a field. He was happily giving up all the luxuries of electric, television, radio, and cell phones. All it did was remind him of how screwed up his life was, and how much pain he had suffered.

Simple sounded good. He was impressed with the Amish's ability to forgive, and that sounded even better. But what sounded the best was starting over.

Edward rode the bus through the expanse highway into Lancaster County. Prepared to start anew. The bishop Charles had been very helpful and supportive during the numerous meetings they had discussing what Edward would need to do to be accepted into the community.

He told Edward it would be expected that he learn to speak the dialect; Dutch English. He assured him his only daughter Izzy, who was very smart, would be able to help him learn during his time living with them.

Edward was never very religious, it wasn't that he was against it; he just wasn't raised around church. It wasn't his faith calling him to become Amish; it was the idea of a simple life. He would embrace the religion though. He had every intention to embrace living life as an Amish man.

He was sick of violence, hate, and war. All of which people claimed to do in the name of God.

_What bullshit,_he thought.

He didn't think about the life he left behind. It wasn't much of life anymore. He couldn't seem to function on a level that pleased his parents since his return home. Thoughts of the past two years made him shudder and he quickly pushed them back. He liked to pretend it was a nightmare. He didn't speak of it and he tried his hardest not to think of it.

Edward didn't even say good-bye to his family when he left. They were worried sick about his well being, they knew how close Edward was to snapping. They had been working hard to find him the help he so desperately needed to continue to live. Edward, however, wasn't as willing to try their methods.

This option seemed best to him. He left Chicago with one bag and not much cash as he left for a new start. He left a note to his family, begging them not to look for him. To just give him the chance to start fresh and hopefully find them again one day in the future, when he was a better man. He was comforted with the knowledge that becoming Amish did not mean he couldn't converse with his family once he became baptized.

Edward took in the beautiful scenery along the Lancaster highway. He was greeted with green and golden fields, beautiful horses, and tall green corn stalks. Edward loved the smell of fresh air and hay. It only took a few visits before he fell in love with everything Lancaster had to offer.

Once he had returned home, physically intact, he couldn't stand being there. He hated the pain he couldn't forget. He hated seeing the pain in his mother's eyes because there was nothing she could do or say to make the nightmares stop. All he was doing was upsetting her more. It would have been better if he had died. He left one morning, unsure of his path, and stumbled into an Amish community in Ohio. He found it so peaceful. He longed to be like them. They told him all about their way of life and told him to visit Pennsylvania to see the Dutch. Caius, told him about Charles and set up a meeting for Edward.

Edward knew the first time he came to Lancaster that it was his only chance to find peace. He almost forgot the rest of the world while he visited. He had several meetings with Charles before accepting the offer to live with him and his family for a year to see if he truly did want to become a simple man.

When the bus dropped him off in front of a newly built house adorned with a wrap around porch and red barn in the distance, a smile appeared on his normally sullen face. This was his new home. His second chance, and Edward was relieved to feel a flash of hope.

Edward adjusted the duffel bag on his shoulder as he stood in front of the white picket fence taking in the place he would call home. He had brought a few clothes, his toiletries, and a few of his favorite books. He didn't exactly have Amish attire, but he did try to keep his appearance simple and plain. He wore a black t-shirt, jeans, and his Doc Martens. Out of habit, his hand immediately found the top of his head and he instantly regretted not combing the mess of golden sun-kissed hair that was always unruly.

Edward carefully unlatched the fence and stepped onto the soft grass to make his way to the front door.

He cleared his throat before bringing his closed fist to knock three times on the simple wooden door. It didn't take long for Charles to answer the door.

He greeted Edward with s sincere smile and warm embrace. "Edward, so glad to have you! Please come in," Charles said motioning for Edward to come inside.

Edward couldn't help but enjoy the scent of home baked bread. It always amazed him how clean everything was. The Amish housewife took pride in her daily work to keep the housework up to par. Edward doubted he would be able to find one dust bunny along the dark hardwood floors.

The house had oil lamps and hand made quilts. It was very comfortable, warm, and inviting. "Thank you Bishop Swan. I appreciate you inviting me into your home," Edward told him.

Charles led Edward into the kitchen where his girls worked hard to prepare dinner. "Edward, this is my wife Renee, and our daughter Isabella, ladies, this is Edward Cullen," Charlie introduced them.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, ladies," Edward said extending his hand to Renee. She quickly wiped the flour off her hands on her apron before shaking Edward's outstretched hand.

"Please, make yourself at home Edward. What is ours is yours. It's so nice to have you join us," Renee said humbly.

Isabella tried to hide her confusion as she greeted Edward. She did not want to come across as rude. After all, most of the English people wouldn't give the Amish the time or day. They laughed, and joked. It didn't bother her, but she had hope that they were not all judgmental. Edward seemed like proof of that. After all, he was standing in her home, anxious to learn everything he could about their way of life.

"It's nice to meet you, sir," Isabella said approaching him slowly. She did not make eye contact with the new man. She reached out her hand to his and when his palm touched hers, a warm tingling sensation shot up her arm, butterflies fluttered in her stomach, and she felt her heart rate accelerate. She dropped his hand quickly, and looked up into his eyes.

The green embers were burning into her; she could see sadness behind them and felt a surge of compassion for him. She felt her cheeks go red at his intense gaze. She couldn't help but notice how breathtakingly beautiful he was or how broken he looked beneath his cool composure. His sharp jaw line was just begging to be touched. Isabella was not use to the urges she was feeling in his presence.

She thought about placing her hand on his chest and feeling down his stomach. She imagined feeling the hair that stuck out of his shirt and running her index finger along his beautiful lips. She wondered if they were as soft as they looked, what they might taste like and feel like against hers. She quickly stumbled backwards, afraid of the impure thoughts this man evoked inside her.

Edward raised his eyebrow at Isabella, confused as to why she so quickly withdrew her hand from his. He had the urge to kiss the top of it before she withdrew it. It was probably for the best, he wasn't sure if that would be considered appropriate. He still had a lot to learn about this new life. He too felt the heat from her hand touching his and warming his heart from the cold stone it had become. When her eyes met his, he was in awe of her subtle, natural beauty. Lost in her chocolate doe eyes.

He tried to think back and remember everything Charles had told him about his daughter, other than the fact she was smart, but there was nothing else.

"Can I take your Bag, Edward?" Renee asked, causing Edward and Bella to break eye contact.

"Oh...um," Edward struggled. He didn't want to refuse help, they might find that rude. He also was used to the man in him that took bags for ladies, and held doors open for them. He hadn't seen that man in a long time, but relished in his short appearance. "If you show me where my room is, I can bring it up ma'am," Edward told her.

Isabella turned away and began pounding and kneading the dough on the counter, annoyed that this stranger was taking Rose's room. Who did he think he was? Making her have all these impure thoughts, and taking her only sisters room! She barely noticed that Renee had already led him up the stairs, to take the place of his sister. There was nothing forgiving about being shunned. It made Isabella's blood boil.

_I can't wait to get out of here_, Isabella thought with a scowl.

Up the stairs and across the hallway from Isabella's room, Edward tried to settle in. He took note of the handmade clothes folded nicely on the end of the bed, complete with a red, blue, and green quilt. He placed his books down on the nightstand, and sat of the bed taking in the beginning of this new life.

_I am so glad to be here,_Edward thought with a smile.

**So Review please, tell me if I should keep going... I need some feedback. **


	2. Chapter 2

**SM Owns, not me**

**ScottishRose1028 beta'd this for me. Thanks bb! It's great to work with her cause she a wicked awesome twihoor. **

**Chapter Two**

Isabella was not pleased when her father asked her to check on Edward. He had been in the house for two weeks now, and her sixteenth birthday had come and gone the day before. It didn't go unnoticed but was not celebrated either.

"Make sure he is comfortable. We want to be good hosts to our guest."

"Yes, Daddy," Isabella responded. She was not excited to go into Roses room. She hadn't been in there since her sister left. Rose turned eighteen and faced the decision to be baptized and leave Emmett, or stay with Emmett and be shunned. They had both cried and hugged when Rose left. Isabella recalled how beautiful she looked in modern clothes. She loved the way the jeans hugged her hips, the casual flip flops and the small black t-shirt that showed off a bit of Rose's stomach. Her long blonde hair flowing down her back in loose curls. Isabella intended to remember that until she could see Rose again.

Isabella took a few careful steps to knock on the door, knocking softly three times. Edward quickly got up and opened the door to a timid Isabella.

"My father sent me to see if you needed anything," Isabella said, punishing herself for thinking about how beautiful he looked.

"I do have one question," Edward stated with his devastating lopsided smile.

"I'd be happy to answer if I am able," Isabella told him with mock sincerity.

"Why don't you like me?" Edward asked bluntly. He didn't fail to notice her scowl throughout dinner each night or the way she pulled away from his hand in disgust when they first met. It seemed she went out of her way to avoid him.

"I am confused by you. Why an English man would chose to live this way," Isabella stated. She was always honest.

"You don't like this way of living?" Edward asked. "I'm sorry, I am being too nosy. I'm just trying to figure you out."

Isabella swallowed back under the pressure from her guest's questions. She never spoke out loud to anyone but Rose about her dislike of living Amish. "I do not," Isabella told him, unable to lie.

"Well, I don't like living in a world full of hate, violence, and war. And that is what it is like to live English. Everything is very complicated. I'd rather live without a car or a computer or air conditioning, than live with the pain and suffering that comes with all of those luxuries." Edward tried to explain.

"I don't wish to live in the modern world for materialistic things. I want to be educated past the eighth grade, I want to wear my hair down if I chose to; I feel trapped here, a prisoner," Isabella explained her side to him.

"You have no idea what it is to be a prisoner!" Edward spat at her. Isabella immediately got defensive and placed her hands on her hips.

"Don't tell me how I feel!" She spat back trying to keep her voice down. Her father would be livid if he found her being rude to their guest.

"You are very frustrating," Edward said shaking his head. He didn't understand how this girl got under his skin.

Isabella smoothed out her apron and composed herself. "You are also very frustrating," she told him through pursed lips. "If there are no more questions for me, I am off to bed," she informed him. She no longer wished to engage him or answer his questions.

_He had no right to judge me. _Isabella thought shutting her bedroom door. _Who does he think he is telling me I don't know what it is like to be a prisoner! _She screamed in her head.

She flopped down on her bed and pulled her hair out. She admired the length and fullness as she moved her fingers through her locks of hair. Isabella walked to her closet and took out the jeans she bought last week. She was starting Rumspringa and was allowed to wear modern clothes when she wasn't at church or working. She fully intended to wear the tight pants and flip flops the next day.

This was her time to enjoy the best of both worlds, even though she was having a hard time figuring out what the positive things about living Amish included. She still had to go to the school house at eight in the morning, and had to wear the plain clothes. The jeans and flip flops she purchased would have to wait until after school.

Isabella settled in bed, extremely annoyed at the man sleeping in her sister's bed.

When Edward woke the next morning, he felt refreshed even though he had only managed to get four hours of sleep. It was the most he had managed in months. He woke at five in the morning and dressed in the white button down shirt, black slacks, and pulled up the suspenders. He parted his hair in the middle and tried to tame it as best he could before he made his way downstairs to the smell of bacon.

"Good morning Edward, did you sleep well?" Renee asked, as she set the bowls of food on the center of the table.

"Yes, thanks for asking," Edward smiled at her.

"Well, you have come in just the nick of time. Isabella has begun Rumspringa and we probably won't have her help as much until she becomes baptized. We could use all the extra help we can get," Renee said fixing a plate for Edward.

"Glad I can be helpful," Edward said. Charlie came in and took a seat at the table; Renee also fixed his plate before sitting herself and fixing her own.

Charlie said grace before the three of them began eating. Renee made sure to save some for Isabella. She knew she would be getting up soon to go help Mary Alice at the school house.

Jacob was going to drive Isabella to school everyday because he had to bring his little sister Rachel to school.

Isabella adored Rachel. She was a beautiful little girl who always made everyone smile.

After breakfast, Charlie brought Edward out to the barn and began to show him the ropes. Edward was stacking some hay when he heard a little girl squeal in delight. He turned to see Isabella and Rachel playing with another young Amish man.

"Jacob, Rachel, come meet our new guest Edward Cullen," Charlie said making his way out of the stable that housed their horses.

Edward set the last haystack down, and approached them to say hello. He extended his hand and shook Jacob's hand. "Nice to meet you," he said. He noticed his strong handshake and also how built he was. Edward then got down to say hello to the little girl. He thought she was a heart breaker. Dark hair, big dimples, and big blue eyes.

"Jacob, we have to go. I don't want to make Mary Alice upset by being late," Isabella said tapping her foot impatiently. "It was nice seeing you this morning, Edward." Isabella said turning around. She scooped up

Rachel, and began tickling her sides as Edward watched them climb into the buggy.

"They are good friends to us," Charlie said to Edward about Jacob. "I have a feeling once Izzy becomes baptized they will become family," Charlie said hopefully. "Jacob was baptized just a few months ago."

Edward knew better. He knew Isabella was leaning toward being shunned over baptized. She wasn't on the fence over her choice, she already had one foot over the damn thing. He knew what the outside world held, and even though he just met her, he felt the need to protect her.

Isabella was greeted at the school house by a very excited Mary Alice and embraced in a hug.  
"Oh, Izzy! I am so happy you are here!" Mary Alice exclaimed. "And you too my little Rachel," she said, patting Rachel's small back.

Rachel clutched her faceless doll and smiled up at her new teacher, a little scared, but mostly excited to be starting school.

Mary Alice was Rose's best friend. Isabella always liked Mary Alice, but since Rose left even Mary Alice pretended she didn't know her. It saddened Isabella.

"Thank you Mary Alice. I am glad to be here." Isabella smiled at her. The day went by quickly; it was filled with printing, adding, and reading, all on different levels. The children ranged in age from as young as six year old Rachel to the oldest, thirteen year old Levi.

Isabella enjoyed working with Rachel, teaching her how to print her name, and helping her sound out words.

Once Jacob dropped Isabella back home, she went to her room and pulled out her jeans. She quickly got rid of the bonnet, removed the pins from her hair, and let her chocolate locks cascade down her back. The jeans felt like they were painted on her legs as she buttoned them, admiring the way her bottom looked.

She slipped on the flip flops, the piece between her toes felt a little uncomfortable but she still loved them. She enjoyed the way they hit the back of her heel when she walked. She felt modern; like a new girl with a new lease on life. She finally pulled on a short sleeved plaid shirt and left the top two buttons undone, exposing a little bit of her cleavage.

She was meeting Paul in the corn field. He was twenty and under pressure to become baptized, but also enjoying Rumspringa too much to give up the things he had acquired. He had a cell phone, iPod, and enjoyed partying. He had been enjoying Rumspringa for three years now. He was very confused. He didn't want to give up his family, but cringed at the thought of committing to the Amish way of life. He invited Bella to hang out, and to give her a proper introduction to Rumspringa.

Isabella thought Paul was very handsome. If she had to choose someone in the community to marry, it would Paul. But Paul was already promised to marry Rebekah as soon as he was baptized. Jacob's seventeen year old sister, she had yet to be baptized but she would be. She had every intention of living and dying plain. And everyone already assumed Isabella and Jacob would also marry, expecting Isabella to be baptized within a year's time.

Paul and Isabella were alike in their struggles. They understood one another. Paul was very handsome, his skin glistened in the sun; he was rather tan from spending the summer working in the fields.

"Izzy!" Paul greeted her with a bear hug, lifting her feet from the tall grass that surrounded them.

"Paul, too tight!" Isabella laughed once Paul released her. "What is this style called?" Isabella asked Paul about his choice in clothing, touching his biceps that showed since he was wearing a black wife beater. She stepped back and admired his jeans, which seemed to be perfectly torn in all the right places, and the white and black belt buckle he wore with a picture of Jesus Christ. Isabella was hoping Paul would be sneaking up to her room at night, and taking her away for weekends of fun.

"I don't call it anything Izz, it's just...me," he said. "I know I look hot," he said pulling the clinging material from his chest.

"Shut up!" Izzy said pushing against his hard stomach.

"You look hot if I do say so myself," Paul said making Bella blush. He grabbed her hand that lingered on his abs and pulled her closer to him. She could feel the heat radiating off his body, his breath trickling down her neck.

Paul pulled out a flask filled with whiskey and handed it to Isabella, She bravely took three swigs out of the flask and handed it back.

"Are you ready?" he whispered, excitement rushed through Isabella's body.

She knew what a proper introduction into Rumspringa entailed. Not everyone was as wild during this time like Jacob and Rebekah. No one talked about the trouble or sins they committed during the time they spent 'running around.' Isabella intended to take full advantage of the time she was given to live two lives. It was never spoken of, but Isabella didn't fail to notice some babies being born when the parents were only married for seven months.

"I am," Isabella told him. She was sure he was about to kiss her in the middle of the tall grass. Her heart beat out of her chest waiting for his lips to touch hers.

Paul tilted Isabella's chin up and began to lean in to meet his, when they heard a throat clear behind them.

Edward stood looking at what appeared to him, as two teenagers trespassing on Charlie's property. He didn't know that it was his daughter. "I think you two may be lost," Edward stated.

Isabella turned around, and faced Edward. "No, I think you may be interrupting," Isabella fumed at the frustrating man.

"Isabella? Is that you?" Edward asked, taken aback. If it hadn't been for her doe eyes, he would never have known it was her. He was a tad bit ashamed that he had been admiring the way her butt looked in the tight jeans.

"Of course it is Edward!" Isabella stated as if she were speaking to a child that was being punished.

"Sorry, I...ah...I didn't recognize you like that," Edward motioned his hand up and down Isabella's body.

"Edward, this is my friend Paul, Paul this is Edward. He is staying with us for the year, seems he wants to be Amish," Isabella quickly introduced the two men.

"Listen Izzy, I have to go...Rebekah invited me for dinner. I'm sorry this got cut short, but this weekend...I will come get you. Show you a good time," he winked at her, before telling Edward hello and goodbye.

"You're going out with him?" Edward demanded. He wasn't sure why he felt jealous over this.

"Yes. I started Rumspringa and I intend to have fun while I keep my family." Isabella informed him, stumbling a little into Edward. The whiskey was taking effect, and Isabella enjoyed the feeling.

"Were you drinking?" Edward asked catching Isabella and steadying her on her feet.

"Yes, do you drink?" She asked, admiring the way Edwards suspenders hung from his hips.

"Not anymore," Edward told her. "What happens this weekend?" Edward asked concerned for her safety.

"I learn to have fun," Isabella smiled. "Big party."

"You will be careful won't you?" Edward asked, fixing his suspenders. He let them snap back in place against his chest.

Isabella brought her lip between her teeth and slipped a finger underneath the right suspender, dragging it down along Edward's chest until she reached his lower stomach. The whiskey combined with her new found confidence made it difficult to hide her attraction to Edward.

Edward felt a warm tingling sensation linger on the path her finger traveled. He was confused at the attraction he felt for her. She was after all barely sixteen years old. It surely was not acceptable to be attracted to her.

"What are you doing?" Edward asked resisting the urge to touch her.

Isabella didn't answer him. She was entranced by the beads of sweat falling down his temple, the slight amount of stubble on his perfectly angled jaw, and the way his eyes squinted in confusion.

She got bolder and laid her hand flat over his chest, his heart beating rapidly against her palm. "What are you hiding from here?" Isabella finally spoke.

"Myself," Edward whispered. He felt comforted by Isabella. He could barely speak of the past let alone think of it without having a full fledged panic attack, but with her hand on his heart he found he could still breathe. "I don't know what you are doing to me," he spoke so softly he was surprised she had even heard him say it.

Isabella took in a deep breath before she quickly reached up and attempted to kiss him. Her lips met his for a split second before he gently pushed her away. "What?" she asked, shocked to be turned down.

"I can't," was all Edward could manage to say.

"You are so frustrating!" Isabella yelled. "You infuriate me!"

"I infuriate myself!" Edward yelled back, pointing his index finger into his chest.

"Why?" Isabella screamed at him. "Why are you running from your life? I don't understand! You have this mask on, I want to understand. You are not here for Jesus Christ, you are running from something! Please tell me what it is!"

Isabella began to feel bad for the frustrating man. He was lost. She could see the hurt in his eyes. She noticed it the first time she ever laid eyes on the broken man.

"Maybe I am not running away from anything Isabella. Maybe I am running toward something better." Edward was so close to letting the words spill from his mouth. He held them back because he was afraid of the repercussions he would face for opening that flood gate.

"You are such a ligner," Isabella stated.

"You know nothing about me! And now, you are frustrating me. Cause I don't even know what you are calling me!" Edward said, through clenched teeth.

"A liar!" Isabella spat.

Edward stalked toward Isabella, grabbed her arms roughly and pulled her up to his lips crushing them against hers.

Isabella didn't know what to do, or what to think. She was startled when his tongue swept out over her lips and forced it's way inside her mouth. Edward began to get rougher with Isabella. His hands went to her ass as he pulled her against him.

She could feel the hardness in his pants against her stomach and she greedily tried to get closer and feel every inch of him. "I hate you," Isabella said, with the only breath he allowed her since the kiss began.

He cradled her back as he dropped her gently to the ground kissing her selfishly. Isabella's fingernails dug into his back as he ground his hardness against her center. His lips left her mouth leaving her panting for air as his lips and tongue traveled her neck. His mouth reached a spot on her neck where he could feel her blood pulsing through her veins, and he bit down causing Isabella to cry out in pleasure. She thrust her hips against his, and then her moan was silenced by his needy tongue.

Edward was lost in a haze of lust. His judgment clouded by his need to be connected to another human. He thought he had lost the ability to feel the emotions Isabella brought out in him. He didn't care that she was sixteen. All he cared about was the way she made him feel; the way she calmed him. The way she made him feel like a man again.

Isabella pushed back on Edward making him kneel in front of her. She grabbed her shirt and began to lift it up. Edward's hand darted out to stop her. He jumped to his feet, scared at what he was allowing to happen.

"I'm sorry," he stuttered out, before he took off into the stalks of corn.

Edward felt as if he was taking advantage of Isabella's lack of experience. He struggled with the need he felt for her with the way she calmed him, and his need to protect her.

He was scared that he would hurt her, in all his fucked up glory. Or that he wouldn't be good enough for her. The thought also crossed his mind that her willingness to kiss him was purely based on her need to rebel.

The girl was frustrating to him to say the least.


	3. Chapter 3

**SM Owns. I don't. **

**This is turning into so much fun to write! Thanks so much to ScottishRose10 for her beta skillz, and really she can relate to Edward's issues. Which I don't know when that will be revealed... Maybe soon, maybe not so soon! But thanks for reading! **

**Check out ScottishRose10's profile in my fave authors, and read her story! **

Edward spent the next few days skillfully avoiding Isabella. It proved to be an easy task as she too was avoiding him. They exchanged pleasantries, and Edward could see that Isabella was putting forth the minimum effort required by Charlie to be deemed a good hostess.

Edward worked hard everyday. He had to learn everything: how to control the horse and buggy, how to plow a field, how to speak Dutch English, and all the rules that went along with living a simple life.

He did not miss television, radio, or the internet. All they did was remind him of the past. Something as simple as a word or sound could bring back memories that crippled him. Being with the Amish, isolated, served it's purpose well.

His only problem: Isabella. He didn't understand how one girl could calm him while simultaneously causing him much annoyance. After the kiss they shared in the corn field it was hard to deny their mutual attraction. But Edward knew his control was minimal at best when he lost his temper, and Isabella could make him lose his temper within seconds. He couldn't risk having another episode.

Edward worked hard to maintain control over his surroundings to avoid any breakdowns, panic attacks, or angry outbursts. What he couldn't control was Isabella or his feelings for her. Strong feelings illicit strong emotions and Edward would not risk bursting the carefully constructed bubble he confined himself to. He was afraid that Isabella had caused a slow leak, and he was working hard to seal it before it turned into a tear, that would soon cause it to burst.

Charlie had explained Rumspringa to Edward in more detail. How he and his wife would turn a blind eye to Isabella's behavior until she was ready to commit to being Amish. He called it a rite of passage. They did not wish to keep the outside world a secret. They felt everyone had the right to choose for themselves, and Rumspringa gave them a chance to make an informed decision.

It almost seemed cruel to Edward. He was worried about Isabella. He knew she thought she knew everything, but she didn't. She was so gullible and naive to the way the world worked. To just let her loose for a year or two seemed like a disaster waiting to happen.

Edward sat on a rocking chair on the porch of the Swan's simply enjoying the fall weather and fresh air. The sun was setting and Edward was exhausted from the hard work of the day. Isabella and Charlie sat behind him in the house; he could hear them through the open window directly behind his head. He chuckled a little over Isabella's stubbornness. It seemed to Edward they were playing some sort of word game.

"Daddy, 'irregardless' is not a word! You can not use it!" Isabella's smile could be heard through her annoyance, and Edward thought it was cute. If this was the biggest argument of her day, she had it easy.

"Izzy, people say it all the time! It is so a word!" Charlie knew his daughter was right, but he loved to get her riled up.

"It makes my skin crawl when I hear people say it! And Just because people say it does not make it correct. People are wrong far more than they are right," Isabella pointed out. "Edward!" Isabella called out through the open window. "Tell my father that 'irregardless' is not a word, please!"

"What makes you think I am not one of the people that makes your skin crawl and says 'irregardless'?" Edward laughed.

Isabella folded her arms - she did not find their teasing funny.

"Izzy, you know I don't like it when you act like that," Charles warned his daughter.

"I'm sorry Daddy, but I think that is enough for one night," Isabella said. She was anxious because Paul had promised to come get her tonight, once her parents were in bed.

It wasn't so much as sneaking out; her parents expected that she would do it, and they would just ignore it. Isabella kissed her father's cheek before she walked upstairs to her bedroom.

Isabella had purchased more clothes during the week to wear. She loved they way the clothes molded to her body and the confidence they gave her. Isabella took out her newest purchase, a short denim skirt that had rips across the back right below the pockets. It wasn't tight; it hung loose on her hips. Isabella took out the makeup she had purchased and carefully applied eyeliner - it took a while to steady her hand enough to actually drag the black pencil across her bottom lids.

She got excited as she heard her parents bedroom door close, the time was getting closer. She didn't have many tops to choose from but finally settled for a white racer back shirt, and then she tied it in a knot on her hip.

Isabella fussed with her hair the longest. She wished that she had hair products - she vowed that her next purchase would be for her hair.

Once Isabella felt that her parents were fast asleep, she picked up her beloved flip flops and crept quietly down the steps to wait for Paul.

The downstairs was pitch black, so she carefully felt her way towards the front door. Isabella nearly jumped out of her skin when she collided into Edward's hard chest. "Holy shit!" she whispered, her heart beating out of her chest. "What are you doing down here?" Bella asked in a hushed angry tone.

"I don't sleep much. I like sitting outside," Edward explained. He fumbled a little before lighting a small gas light and held it up. He carefully took in Bella's appearance and cursed himself when he felt his dick grew in size. Isabella was the first girl that he had kissed in two years. Also in the past year, his dick had ached with the need to release his seed, although he couldn't even bring himself to jerk off. The fact that this girl made him hard seemed like a miracle. He thought for sure that he would be impotent for the rest of his life. His nightmares even scared away his never failing morning wood that had always been there. Now he came to a place with values two hundred years old, and this frustrating girl gave him wood with her long legs and damned doe eyes.

Isabella adjusted her skirt and smiled tensely at Edward. "I suppose I will see you later," she told him, trying to stay calm. She began to walk toward the door when she felt Edward's lean fingers wrap around her forearm and turning her back around to face him.

"You are going out? Looking like that?" Edward asked. He feared for her. He knew how boys were, drunk boys nonetheless, who had someone like Isabella, a girl who wanted to rebel.

"What, it doesn't look good? I admit I don't know that much about fashion, so if this is not something a modern girl would wear to a party …" Isabella mumbled looking down at her barely there ensemble.

"It's not that Isabella, you look better than good," Edward said defeated once again by the girl. "I just wish you wouldn't go. I worry." Edward told her.

"Don't be silly, Paul won't let anything bad happen to me," Isabella tried to ease his worry. It was silly as far as she was concerned.

Edward chuckled a little at her statement. "No, he will be doing bad things to you," Edward spoke under his breath.

"And who says I don't want him to?" Isabella demanded. This was her time to figure out if what the world had to offer was what she wanted. She wasn't going to spend her Rumspringa at bowling alleys and church sing-alongs.

Isabella noticed the flashing truck lights outside her house, signaling that Paul had arrived for her.

"He is here, I have to go," Isabella said, glancing down at Edward's hand that still grasped her arm.

"Then I am coming," Edward said.

"I don't need or want a babysitter Edward!" Isabella was furious.

"Who said I want to babysit? Maybe I want to have a little fun," Edward lied, raising an eyebrow suggestively at her. Flirting had become so foreign to him. He hated to resort to it, even though he knew Isabella would respond. He was fairly certain Isabella would respond to any type of rebellion or danger, and if that included her thinking she was going to bang the boy in the room next to hers, so be it. There was no way he was letting her out of his sight so that a bunch of horny guys could gang bang a girl they got drunk.

"Fine, let's go have some fun," Isabella smiled. She moved her fingers over his jaw, letting her fingers dance across his lips. "You can't look Amish, go change. I will wait with Paul in the truck."

_I am screwed__,_Edward thought as he pulled out the clothes he arrived in. His hair was a mess again, sticking up in twenty directions. He carefully slipped on his black Nikes and crept down the stairs. It was one thing for Charles to overlook Isabella's sneaking out, but he wasn't so sure it would go over well if he found about his.

Isabella threw the truck door open when she saw Edward approach. Paul was driving and in the middle of Isabella and Paul was a local boy, James. There wasn't exactly room for Edward in the truck but Isabella had thought ahead. She pulled herself off the seat and allowed Edward to sit down before resting her ass on his thighs.

"Edward, you remember Paul, and this is James. Guys, this is Edward," Isabella introduced them. She smirked back at Edward because she could feel the hardness resting between her ass cheeks. She used her hand to brace herself against the glove box as the truck took off, jolting her forward. She moved her body against Edward as they drove into the darkness.

Edward's teeth clenched; the more Isabella moved, the more he was nestled snuggly in her crack. She flirted openly with Paul and James, taking swigs of whiskey as the truck bounced up and down on the country road. She seemed to like to make a play on words like coming, hard, and wet when she flirted. It made Edward want to claim her right then and there. He reached out and touched her exposed hip, stilling her movements against his throbbing cock.

"Please stop," he whispered in her ear.

"Why, you don't like where it's going?" Isabella whispered back, grinding down more deliberately.

"I just asked you to stop before I explode," Edward told her, squeezing her hip harder. Isabella didn't fully understand the mechanics of the male anatomy.

"Explode?" Isabella asked a bit confused.

"Yes, as in coming," Edward clarified. Which just proved to Edward why he risked Charles' trust by coming out with Bella tonight. "See, I knew it. This is the last place you belong. You certainly do not need to be taken to some bonfire hoe down in the middle of some field to be feed booze and fucked by a line of guys." Edward whispered harshly in her ear.

"So you did come here to babysit," Isabella stated, the anger radiating off of her. She crossed her arms as she always did, once again full of frustration with Edward Cullen.

"Because I care, that is why I came. Because I don't want something fucked up to happen to you. Because I don't think you know what English girls are really like, they all don't party and fuck all weekend. I understand you want to experience things, but you don't have to go to extremes," Edward didn't want to fight with her constantly. If they weren't flirting they were fighting. There was no happy medium. Neither could figure out the dynamics of the relationship they shared.

Neither was paying enough attention to realize they fought because they were denying each other.

"Whatever," Isabella said. She was thankful Paul and James were paying no mind to her and Edward. They were too busy listening to the music Paul had booming through the speakers.

Paul parked the truck several yards from the party. The fire was blazing and the party seemed to be in full swing. Kids were doing keg stands, passing pipes, and a few girls ran around in just their bras. It was obvious to Edward which girls at the party were Amish and which were not. The wilder girls like Isabella were the Amish ones. That is why so many local boys came - they were much more willing than the girls they went to school with.

Isabella took another swig from the flask when Paul came up behind her. He placed his hands on her hips and pulled her back against him, walking her slowly forward. Isabella moved her head to the side allowing Paul's lips to find her neck. The bite mark from Edward was almost completely faded.

"Let's have some fun," Paul yelled over the music. Isabella smiled wide. She felt Paul begin to move behind her to the music. She started to move with him, enjoying the effects of the whiskey. James came to the front of her and joined in the dance. Isabella placed one hand on James' hip, and wrapped the other one behind her on Paul's head. Paul kissed down Isabella's neck as James' hands explored her sides.

Edward watched the two boys take advantage of Isabella's willingness to be what she thought was normal and choked back the urge to pull her from the middle of them. He knew the only way to get Bella away from them, was if he offered himself to her. Edward swallowed and walked over to the threesome. He reached out and grabbed Bella's arm, yanking her towards him. She was flush against his body and confused about his actions. "You sat on my lap grinding your ass up and down my cock the entire ride here, I want you tonight," Edward said before kissing her deeply, claiming her.

"Sorry guys," Edward smirked at them. "Maybe next time," he added with a wink taking his doe-eyed girl away. He took her to the keg and pumped a red cup full of beer handing it to her.

"What is going on?" Isabella asked, taking the beer.

"You want to have fun; I don't want you to get hurt or taken advantage of...so, I'm offering to be your bitch. I will help you accomplish any experiences you wish to have during your Rumspringa, as long as they aren't too crazy. You want to get drunk like an English girl, fine they get drunk. You want to smoke pot, fine most do that. But most do not have threesomes or smoke the shit they are passing around in those pipes."

"Huh...so if one of the experiences I wish to have is sex?"

"Most English girls wait until they are in love, or at least think they are. They don't just screw any guy that asks them. Trust me." Edward laughed. He spent most of his high school years trying to make girls think he cared enough about them to fuck him. And it worked. Although by the time he left, he was pretty sure he had been dubbed the male whore of the Irish community in Chicago.

"I am already promised to Jacob if I stay. There is no need for me to fall in love." Isabella pointed out.

"And if you leave, you will have plenty of time to fall in love. There is no need to act like a slut." Edward regretted the word the minute it left his mouth.

Isabella was fuming. It made her want to run to James and Paul and let them have her, just to spite Edward.

"I'm sorry!" Edward said quickly. "I didn't mean for it to come out like that! Listen, you want to have sex, fine. I just don't want you to be used like some cheap slut, and that's all that will happen if you let it happen at a party like this."

"Fine, you can be my bitch." Isabella said. "I want to dance more," she demanded. She reached for his hand and he held her close as they danced to the music.

Paul came up behind Isabella and began to move against her, Edward pulled Isabella away, "I don't share,"

"Izzy?" Paul asked, hoping she would tell Edward to back off.

"Sorry Paul," was all she said before resuming her dance with Edward. He moved behind her and trailed his hands up her stomach, then her sides, skimming outside of her breasts. Isabella tilted her head back and kissed him, pushing her ass against his cock as she swayed her hips to the music.

"I need a refill," Isabella stated, taking the last swig of beer. She began to stumble towards the keg, not noticing Edward wasn't following. Isabella looked back to see Edward frozen, his gaze locked in the smoke that rose from the fire.

"Edward, are you coming?" Isabella called out.

Nothing.

"Edward! Earth to Edward!" Isabella called again, this time walking towards him.

Stillness.

Isabella peered at him, confused. She said his name again, this time she was right in front of him. His green eyes were empty as the fire reflected in them. He never looked down at her and Isabella was scared. She was about to put her hand on his chest when Paul came running up to them out of nowhere and punched Edward's arm playfully to get him out of his daze.

Edward's head immediately snapped to Paul. His heart was racing, his breathing was becoming shallow, and he could taste the smoke. He was no longer at a party being held by rebellious teenagers - he was in his own personal hell. The leak in the bubble got larger, and the sting from Paul's punch was like a pin that quickly pierced through a balloon. Edward could even hear the loud pop inside his head.

His eyes were no longer empty. They were filled with anger and hate. The smells and sounds of everything he was running from flooded him, igniting his temper. He didn't like to be punched, no matter how innocently.

Edward didn't think twice as his instincts kicked into high gear. He swung at Paul with a right hook, before skillfully grabbing him in a head lock. James came to his friend's aid and threw a punch at Edward that he blocked like it was an afterthought.

"Edward! What are you doing?" Isabella screamed at him. She saw the anger and hate in his eyes, but she also still saw the lost and broken man. And just like that he was back. He looked up and saw her doe eyes, dropped Paul who was gasping for air, and started to back away.

"I...ah...I'm sorry," he said, before he started to walk away. Isabella got down next to Paul and helped him up, making sure he was okay.

"I have to go talk to him," Isabella said once she was sure Paul was okay.

Isabella pushed through the crowd, searching for Edward. She didn't care that a few guys slapped her ass on the way. She just wanted to make sure Edward was okay. "Move, please," she said pushing drunken teenagers out of her path.

Her heart raced; she was scared she would never see him again. She didn't want to lose him.

"Edward!" she called once the party was behind her. He didn't answer her, but she saw him in the distance.

Edward sat in the back of Paul's pick up truck, his head down; Isabella saw how defeated he looked.

Isabella jumped up on the tailgate of the truck to sit with him. "What was that Edward?" Isabella asked him. She was desperate to know what had made this man so broken.

"That is the man I run from," Edward said. "Anything can trigger it. That's why I am here, there are less things around to cause the panic attacks... and the violent outbursts that follow...and um...let's just say that I have never stopped at the simple plea of someone before." Edward recalled the night he spent drinking himself into a stupor at a local pub. Some poor guy accidentally elbowed Edward after grabbing his beer off the crowded bar. Edward had snapped. Threw the man on the bar and pounded on him until he was physically removed. He spent the night locked up and was sent to a hospital to receive help. He thought it was all a waste of time. That was just one breakdown in his past that led him to where he was today. He was scared about the damage he could inflict on someone.

"I don't know what it is Isabella, but you pulled me out. No one has ever been able to pull me out," Edward told her. He looked in her eyes and she couldn't control herself. It was as if she was made to comfort this man. She crawled back on his lap and straddled him, he buried his head in her neck clutching to her hair and neck. Isabella hugged him close and she could feel him clinging to her for dear life.

Isabella wanted to ask him what caused the panic and outbursts, but was afraid she would push him too far. She hoped that in time Edward would find a way to talk about it. For now she would settle for calming him, because it ripped her heart out to see him struggling. Paul and James were terrified of the hate and anger that filled Edward's eyes, but Isabella never was. Her instincts told her that this man would never hurt her. He may not believe that, but she did.

"I'm sorry, I ruined your night," Edward finally spoke. His heart had settled back in his chest and the knot in his stomach loosened to allow him to breath.

"The night is still young," Isabella said, removing herself from his lap.

"What do you want to do, Bambi?"Edward asked, with his trademark smirk. Isabella knew Bambi was a cartoon deer, she just didn't realize why Edward called her that. It didn't matter. He could call her his boo and it would make her heart flutter.

"Um...this," Isabella said touching her lips to his. Edwards hand rested on Isabella's jaw and it moved with it each time Isabella opened her mouth against his.

"Isabella, I don't know if this is right," Edward said, stopping the kiss.

"Edward, it's right. Stop fighting it," Isabella pleaded, kissing him again. "Let me in," Isabella whispered against his neck.

Edward allowed the kiss. Moving his mouth against hers, he stopped to suck on her top lip. The simple act of kissing Isabella made him forget all his worries. It had been so long since anyone had touched his heart like she was.

"What else do you want to do?" Edward asked, as he sucked on her earlobe.

"Nothing, this is perfect," Isabella panted.

"Well, I am not going to put on a show for these kids - they may not care, but I do," Edward told her.

Isabella was disappointed but also felt very special. Edward was right all along. Paul was content to bring her out and use her for his pleasure, while Edward wanted her to be more guarded with her emotions and body. She had plenty of time to experience life - she didn't need or want to be used.

The experience she was searching for was to be normal. And Edward was right, normal girls weren't sluts – sure, they had the choice to be - but it wasn't what Isabella wanted.

"I am really screwed up Bella," Edward told her.

"I don't care," Isabella told him.

O_f course she would say she didn't care_. Edward thought. She had no idea what she was getting herself into.

"And I am too selfish to walk away," Edward mumbled. "When I am with you, I feel normal. Like a man again."

"Well, you can't walk away, you're my bitch, remember?" Isabella laughed.

Edward thought it was ironic that he offered to be the one to protect her, since he felt like a time bomb waiting to explode.

**Review? Please? I am working on a teaser. **


	4. Chapter 4

**SM owns not me**

**ScottishRose1028 Beta'd this, thanks bb!**

Chapter 4

It was a lazy afternoon as Isabella and Edward lay out in the cornfield they sneaked off to on a daily basis. Bella lay in the crook of Edward's arm as they talked about nothing of importance. Sometimes they wouldn't utter a word. The silence between them was not uncomfortable. Isabella enjoyed the sound of his heart beat, as he enjoyed the sweet smell of her hair.

"Edward?" Bella asked him apprehensively.

"Hmmm," Edward hummed.

Isabella adjusted herself so she was leaning on her elbow, looking into his piercing green eyes. Edward pushed a stray hair behind her ear.

"I was hoping to discuss sex," Isabella broached.

Edward balked at her. It was no secret the girl was on a mission to lose her virginity, but he was completely taken aback by her forwardness.

"What exactly did you want to discuss?" Edward asked, trying not to laugh at the silly girl.

"Tell me about your first time?" Bella asked, hoping she hadn't overstepped any boundaries.

"Oh...well. I...um...was fifteen. I had been seeing this girl for awhile, and she came over to watch movies...my parents let us go down to our basement, and rarely checked on us. So, we would make out on the couch, and each time I pushed a little bit further, until she let me have sex with her," Edward told her recalling the uncomfortable situation - the awkwardness of putting on a condom and the not so easy entrance. He had little self control, and she winced in pain as he entered her forcefully with a thrust. He felt as awful about it then as he did now. He apologized and of course she lived. They dated a while longer until they grew apart. Sex was always a part of his relationships since then.

"What was it like, though?" Isabella pressed. She wanted to know what to expect. No one talked about it in her world.

"Awkward at first, then it got better," Edward said. He didn't really want to get into the mechanics of it with her.

"Do you think it will hurt?" Isabella asked; she nervously chewed on her bottom lip. It was honestly the only thing about losing her virginity that frightened her.

"I suppose it could be uncomfortable at first. If the guy takes his time it shouldn't hurt," Edward told her.

"You mean, if you take your time," Isabella corrected him. "You will be gentle with me, right?"

"Sure, of course I will," Edward said, placing a quick peck on her lips. Isabella smiled. The sun reflected off her face, as Edward stroked it gently. Golden hues surrounded them in the cornfield; above them was a sea of blue.

"When can we do it?" Isabella asked excitement evident in her voice.

"Well, see, it's not always planned. I mean some girls plan to lose their virginity on prom night in the hotel, or whatever, but we have no prom here...ah...most people it just happens. It just feels right, and happens," Edward tried to explain. He already made it perfectly clear that he could not walk away from her. That he would do whatever she asked of him as long as it did not put her in danger.

He was pleased that she seemed happy to spend her time with him hidden in the cornfields. For the Amish, relationships were never discussed to begin with. Edward did find it hard to watch her drive off with Jacob every morning to the school house. Jacob was obviously smitten with Isabella, and if nothing else anxiously awaiting her baptism.

Edward was just thankful that Jacob was already baptized and that any improper behavior towards Bella would be frowned upon. Just the simple fact that Jacob thought she belonged to him, made Edward see red.

"I'm not going anywhere, Isabella." Edward tried to tell her there was no need to rush into anything.

Isabella didn't want to rush either. She had yet to even see an actual penis. And from what she had felt of Edward's, it seemed big - which only caused her to be more anxious about the pain.

"When will you tell me what you are running from?" Isabella asked. Edward looked away from her and focused on a rock in the dirt beneath him.

"I won't, Isabella," he spoke with sadness.

"You say I make you feel better, I mean, I don't know...maybe I can help. Just let me in," Isabella begged.

"No," Edward responded sternly. He was ending the conversation. "And you do make me feel better," Edward whispered against her neck. "Make me feel better right now," he continued taking her hand in his and moving it to the bulge in his pants. This type of distraction always worked best on Isabella. Edward pulled Isabella's small body on top of his as he kissed her deeply. Her knees were spread on either side of Edwards hips as she rocked against his cock.

"So, much better," Edward breathed taking a break from the passionate kiss. His hands traveled down her back and rested on her ass. His hands kneaded and squeezed her backside pushing her harder into his dick.

"Gahhh," Isabella grunted as her clit rubbed against the head of Edward's penis.

Edward and Bella were lost in each other. Their mouths danced perfectly together, as did their hips. Isabella broke the kiss to unbutton the flannel shirt she wore, letting it fall off her shoulders slowly. Edward moved his hands to her exposed breasts. Isabella didn't wear a bra often. Her breasts were small and perky, and Edward couldn't stop from engulfing them in the palms of his hands. He worked his fingers from the outside to the inside saving Isabella's erect nipples for last. He stared into her doe eyes as his index finger and thumb worked her nipples.

Isabella arched her back in pleasure, to which Edward responded by sitting up. His mouth immediately went to her breast, as he licked and sucked the nipple on the left, and then moved over to the right to lavish it with the same attention.

"Edward? Are you back here?" Charlie called out.

Isabella's eyes bugged out of her head as she quickly grabbed her shirt and ran through a row of corn attempting to hide. She hazardously buttoned up her shirt

Edward stood just as fast and adjusted his throbbing dick, trying to hide it best he could. "Yes, Charles. I'm over here," Edward called out making sure this shirt was straight and brushing off any dirt. Charles appeared just as Edward composed himself, although he was still slightly out of breath.

"I needed you to go feed the horses in the barn," Charles said, a little suspicious as to why Edward was in the place Isabella loved to go.

"Have you seen Izzy?" Charles asked, stroking his brown beard.

Edward shook his head, "No, sir. I haven't seen her," Edward lied. He felt awful to lie to this man. Everything he was doing with Isabella could get him a one way ticket out of his safe haven. He was so mad at himself for risking this opportunity to start over, but he couldn't stay away from her. And he would lie for her - he would give her anything she asked for - he knew he was screwed because he would even risk losing this new life for her.

Isabella listened as the men walked out of the cornfield before doing the same. Her father stood at the barn and watched her emerge from the cornfield; she smiled at him and acted like everything was perfectly normal.

"Izzy!" Charles called, motioning for her to come over. Isabella walked over with a huge smile to see what her father wanted.

"Yes, Daddy," she said cheerfully.

"Fix your shirt," Charles said, walking away. Isabella looked down and noticed the buttons were not matched up. She rolled her eyes at her stupidity. Of course she wouldn't get in trouble, but Edward could be questioned and his intentions doubted - if Charles was observant enough - or knew that Edward was starting a relationship with someone.

Edward had already lived twenty-one years one way - he knew what he was giving up. This year was to be spent living the Amish way, it was one thing to date; it was another to become physical.

Charles wasn't very observant. He knew of the troubled past Edward had, and thought for sure his head was nowhere close to dating, anyone. He did think Isabella was with someone in the cornfield, though his first and only guess was Paul.

Charles hoped Paul would soon settle down with Rebekah or just leave. He did not like the idea of Izzy spending so much of her time with him. He had hoped Isabella would use her Rumspringa to do more tame things, like go bowling, or go to Hershey Park or Dutch Wonderland.

He couldn't say he was shocked to see her in short skirts and tight jeans, or that she snuck out at night.

Isabella walked over to her horse, and began to stroke her mane. Edward came up and smirked at her as he put the bucket of oats down. "This one yours?" Edward asked.

"She is. I haven't been around much though, I feel bad for neglecting her," Isabella told him. She was really beginning to miss riding - she and Rose used to go all the time.

"Why is that?" Edward asked.

"Um...my riding partner is shunned, she left her horse, and I kind of hate looking at the black beauty," Isabella told him pointing to Rose's horse.

"You are not the only one that misses her. I swear, if horses could frown, that one...just seems so depressed," Edward said sadly. He had spent a great deal of time with the horses this past week.

"Why would you tell me that? Now I feel even worse!" Isabella cried.

"I need to learn to ride, maybe I could take the black one, and you can take yours...that way we accomplish three things: a happy horse, I learn to ride, and we get to be together."

Isabella focused her petting on her horse's white spot on her nose. She loved the golden brown color of the horse, a warm caramel, almost like Edward's hair.

"That was Rose's horse. She named him Rosie's Rebel. She was very intent to have him, train him - he only ever behaved for her. My father is working a little with him, but it's very hard. If Rose weren't living in an apartment in the city, I would take him to her. I don't think he would be the best for you to learn on," Isabella smirked at him.

"Who is Rose?" Edward asked.

_Of course my father would never mention his other daughter to Edward, what an ass_. Isabella thought.

"My sister, she met a young man on Rumspringa, Emmett, and she married him. Any time we marry outside of the Amish we are shunned. Rose was very good at everything. Loved the farm, and making quilts, baking - I suppose she was everything I am not. It makes it harder for me to leave, knowing that I would leave my parents all alone. Most Amish families have five or more kids, but my mother lost the ability to bear anymore children after she gave birth to me - she almost died," Isabella explained to Edward, who had started to hold her free hand.

"I had no idea, Charles never mentioned her," Edward said.

"He wouldn't. It is one of his biggest rules as the bishop. You leave, that is it. You don't exist to us anymore. Which I think is complete bullshit. I mean he preaches forgiveness, and yet we cannot look past it and forgive those that leave. Who even said Rose needs forgiveness? She is living, happily married, attending church every week. I just hate it. I miss her terribly. I have asked her to mail me a picture, just in case I never get to see her again." Isabella confided in him quietly.

"You mean your mind is not a hundred percent made up about leaving?" Edward asked. He was positive she had already made her choice - that she was just biding her time.

"I want to leave, but I don't want to lose my Mother or Father - I don't want to cause them anymore pain," Isabella told Edward.

"You need to do whatever makes you happy," Edward said. He knew all too well the pain he felt when he left his own parents and his life. But he was happier. He could function better. "Or I could be selfish and tell you never to leave me, that I need you."

"Or you could leave with me," Isabella suggested stepping closer to Edward.

"I can't...I mean I don't know how else to keep all the bullshit away. You saw what happened to me at that party! Before I came here, that used to happen on a daily basis! All it would take was stupid shit! Like something on a movie, or a loud noise. Here, there aren't loud noises, or movies, and for the most part no fights. I haven't felt this free or normal in months...I would be useless to you if I left with you." Edward finished, talking far too much about the situation then he ever intended.

"You can get help," Isabella suggested, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Don't you see, being here, it _is_ my help. Becoming this," Edward said motioning to the suspenders and zipper-less pants, "is me helping myself."

"Ever been on a horse?" Isabella asked accepting his choice for the moment.

"Never," Edward smiled, as Isabella let go of his hand and began to unlatch the gate and lead the horse outside.

"Okay, Edward, this is Romeo's Juliet - RJ this is Edward," Isabella introduced them with a small smile.

Isabella expertly got the horse to bow down so that she could climb on bareback. She sat on the horse proudly before using her finger to motion for Edward to get on. "Just ah, get your upper body on then kinda swing your one leg over, do you think you can do that?"

Edward laughed. He had plenty of experience climbing fences, and it seemed like the same concept. Edward got a small running start and fumbled his way onto the horse, while Isabella laughed at his struggle.

"Okay, here is lesson one," Isabella said, looking back at him. "You're going to have to give the horse cues, and once they follow them, you want to stop. You also want to allow your body to rock with the horse," Isabella explained. She told Edward everything she was doing, while he tried to pay attention. His mind was focused on holding on to her small waist, and pressing his chest against her back.

Isabella took the horse through a path in the woods and Edward couldn't control the urge to lick her neck any longer. The spot behind her ear had been teasing him since he mounted the horse.

"You are not even paying attention to my lesson are you?" Isabella laughed.

"Um...no I thought maybe I could give you a lesson right now," Edward said biting the top of her ear, as his hands moved up her shirt to cup her breasts.

"You have already given me that lesson," Isabella reminded him.

"I was just reviewing, it's good to review." Edward moved his hands down her breast and over her stomach where he reached the button to her jeans. He didn't undo it. He wanted to make sure it was okay first. He ran his hand down to her center and rubbed his hand over it, making Isabella arch toward him with a moan. Edward moved his hand back up and unbuttoned the jeans, slipping his lean fingers in, making them unzip.

Edward moved his fingers inside Bella's folds as she rocked back and forth with the horse's steps, which were slow and steady. Edward teased her clit and kissed her shoulder as he taught her. Edward could feel her getting slicker as his moved his index finger in circles around her clit.

"Lesson two, making a girl wet using fingers," Edward whispered huskily in her ear.

Isabella felt her stomach tighten; she jerked her hips towards Edward's hard working fingers as he pulled her body closer to his. She came with loud scream, before relaxing her head on his shoulder.

"Lesson three, how to make a girl cum," Edward said dragging his tongue up the side of her neck.

"Very, very good lessons," Isabella panted out. Edward removed his hand, and re-buttoned her pants, unable to zipper it; Isabella flexed her hips slightly to get the zipper to meet the button. "What's my next lesson on?"

"Lesson four, that is hand jobs, which if you are a good student should end with lesson five - making me cum," Edward said between the kisses he left on her neck, making his way up her jaw before he tilted her head back and kissed her deeply.

"Sounds like a fun time for you," Isabella joked.

"Yes, it will be. Gotta give a little to get a little, Bambi!" Edward laughed.

"Why do you call me Bambi, like that deer?" Isabella questioned him.

"Your doe eyes. They entrance me. I swear they could hypnotize me. Make me bark or quack like a chicken!" Edward laughed thinking of the talk shows he saw years ago of people being hypnotized.

Isabella laughed with him as she turned the horse to walk back home.

"I actually have to go to the general store, want a driving lesson?" Isabella asked Edward. She moved the horse a little faster, so that he was trotting at a steady pace, blowing stray wisps of hair from Isabella's loose french braid.

"Sure," Edward agreed easily.

Isabella and Edward climbed into the buggy as she took the reins, again explaining to Edward what she was doing. The horse began to trot down the paved road on the shoulder as cars whizzed past them. Some honked and some pointed the horse and buggy out to their young children. Isabella waved, it wasn't every day an Amish girl in jeans drove a horse and buggy though town.

Isabella didn't care, and neither did Edward. They both smiled at one another as they exited the buggy and walked into the small hardware store.

The store was quiet and only a handful of people were inside. As Edward followed Isabella through the isle they nearly bumped into James.

"James, hey! It's nice to see you," Isabella said politely.

"Hey, Izz, Edward." James's tone was rather cold when he addressed Edward. He looked back to Isabella before speaking only to her. "You gonna come out again this weekend? I have a fake ID for you, we are gonna hit a few bars," James smiled at her.

"Sure, sounds fun," Isabella said before glancing up at her bitch, and protector. "Sound good bitch?" Isabella laughed at Edward.

Edward smiled at her weakly as he peered into James's basket noticing rope, wires, and ties. "Sounds like a plan," Edward said against his better judgment. He didn't like James, and he had a rough time in bars.

"Cool, we will swing by about ten for you," James smiled only at Isabella and stared down Edward before heading to pay for his purchases.

"One rule if I am your bitch," Edward began, taking Bella's hand since no one was there to see.

"Rules? You can't just add rules, we already discussed the rules," Isabella countered, even though she was fully prepared to do whatever he asked of her.

"You are never to go alone, anywhere, with James. I don't trust him," Edward said looking in her eyes to show her how serious he was.

Isabella nodded her head, seeing how desperate he was to keep her from him. "Okay, Edward. Promise," she told him sincerely. "I would, like to find time to go visit Rose, one day. She said she and Emmett would come meet me around here, would you want to come with me?" Isabella asked, when Edward dropped her hand, quickly noticing Jacob black walking in the front of the store.

"Do you think he saw us?" Edward asked.

"Who cares," Isabella shrugged. It wasn't talked about how much she was enjoying her Rumspringa, but it was not gossiped about either. "If Jake thinks that I may someday be his wife, he will do what is expected, and look the other way until his patience pays off." Isabella explained. "We should not flaunt it, but I am sure it won't be a secret long. It's not as if you aren't expected to find love with one of the girls, if you plan to be baptized. You are not banned from courting - just expected to do it in a more traditional way." Isabella laughed.

"Yeah - not with some wild beautiful girl, who's itching to make her great escape!" Edward laughed with her.

"True, you would be better suited for Sarah," Isabella joked, thinking of the nineteen year old girl that was too shy to even attempt a date, poor thing.

"So, back to Rose and Emmett's possible visit, what do you think?"

"I'm at your disposal. Call me Bella's Bitch," Edward smirked, making Isabella's heart flutter.

"I think we should call you Bambi's Bitch," she suggested, picking up a sketch pad and charcoal pencils. "Either way, you will my BB."

Isabella opened up the pencils and in thick black drew a heart in the page and inside wrote BB loves IS.

Edward smiled at her juvenile drawing, unaware of the true talent she held.

"Got everything you need?" he asked her.

"Pencils, paper, BB," Isabella checked them each off, smiling wide when she checked off her BB.

"Coming BB?" she asked, walking away.

"Yes, Bambi," Edward said, taking bigger steps to catch up to his doe-eyed girl.

**Thanks for Reading! Please Review...**


	5. Chapter 5

**SM OWNS not Me**

**ScottishRose1028 is my lovely Beta, who got like 20 emails from me tonight about this story! Cause I only sent her like 3 of the 8 pages! My Bad! **

**Learn a LITTLE more about Edward...just a little though! I can't believe how well I am keeping his secret! **

Isabella sat in the buggy as Jacob drove her and Rachel to another day of school. Isabella picked at the ugly, unflattering dress that hung from her body. When Jacob had commented on how nice she had looked this morning, Isabella laughed. She looked no different then the herd.

Rachel rested her head on Isabella's shoulder as the horse's hooves clicked on the cement ground. "You feeling okay, Rachel?" Isabella asked. It wasn't normal for her to be so lethargic. She was normally full of life.

"I had a bad dream last night, and couldn't fall back to sleep," Rachel yawned.

"Oh, well, dreams can't really hurt us." Isabella told her, smoothing her hair, although she regretted the words as soon as she said them. She shouldn't be so quick to dismiss nightmares. They obviously haunted people, people like Edward.

Rachel didn't want to talk about the dream that had her too scared to fall back to sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, she would see the scary man, and hear the terrified screams of her friends and family. She was afraid they would think she had gone mad for dreaming something so violent.

She smiled at Isabella, letting her think the words she spoke made her feel better, as she clutched onto her doll that had no face.

"Isabella, I was wondering if you were going to attend the get together at our house this Sunday afternoon, I was hoping maybe you would be my date," Jake asked.

Isabella had no desire to go. "Charlie said he was bringing Edward, I believe to meet Sarah."

"Sarah won't even have the guts to look him in the eye, let alone talk to him," Isabella spoke. She didn't realize she sounded jealous or even possessive over Edward.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Jacob questioned.

"That she is too shy. Edward is a very handsome man, and English people intimidate her," Isabella said attempting to hide her feelings.

"I believe they already talked a bit, Isabella, don'cha know? Sarah had no problem holding a conversation with him," Jacob informed her.

Isabella was fuming. Why didn't Edward tell her he had spoken to Sarah? Isabella stopped herself. It must not have even been a conversation worth talking about had he not told her. She reminded herself that she was the one he kissed, and touched, the one he promised to protect. She was his Bambi and he was her BB.

She would not allow herself to get all worked up over Sarah. Sarah - who was as beautiful as a porcelain doll; perfectly shaped red lips, high rosy cheeks, big green eyes, and silky blonde hair. Had she been born English, she would be the queen bee at school. But she was not, and had no personality or self confidence. There was no reason to be jealous of a conversation Edward had with the human equivalent of a dish rag.

"I'm sure the conversation was dull to say the least. Edward was just being nice." Isabella couldn't help but to have the last word on the subject - or so she thought.

"Your father said they talked for a bit, Izzy. That they were laughing," Jacob added.

"Well, good for Sarah if she has come out of her shell," Isabella responded.

"Say, will you be coming?" Jacob asked, anxious to get back to the question at hand.

"Of course, Jacob," Isabella was weary over why Edward had not mentioned anything to her about Sarah or about the Sunday get together. As much as she told herself he cared for her, she couldn't shake the feeling of jealousy that was putting thoughts in her head to order Jacob to turn the buggy around so she could go demand Edward tell her what was going on.

Edward had watched Isabella climb into Jacob's buggy and found himself cursing Jacob for talking what was his to the school house five days a week. Edward hadn't asked anyone how set into stone Isabella's impending marriage to Jacob was. He didn't want to ask in fear that someone might catch on to the feelings he felt for her.

"Charlie, can I ask you something about the way an Amish marriage works?" Edward asked.

"Sure, son." Charlie didn't mind telling Edward how things worked. He thought it showed how interested he was in living the Amish lifestyle.

"I only really noticed what is happening with Isabella and Jacob. You keep saying they will be married once she is baptized, is that arranged? I mean, what if Isabella chose someone else?" Edward asked. He wished he would have picked Jacob as the one to choose someone else, but that just seemed like a long shot.

"Isabella and Jacob are free to marry whom they please. But Jacob has been courting Isabella in the Amish traditions, it's just what we assume will happen. We do not arrange marriages, but we do not court many partners; it's just what is expected. Isabella may change her mind and turn him down, although that would shock many people. We don't openly discuss dating, but we still see. And I see Isabella and Jacob together and happy." Charlie explained, excited at the possibility of joining families with his best friend William.

"Oh, so Isabella is free to marry whoever she wants, as is Jacob. Right how they just seem to be favoring each other?" Edward asked again trying to clarify.

He was almost tempted to tell Charlie the way he felt about Isabella, to just be open and honest that they had taken a liking to each other, but he was afraid.

Charlie might feel threatened that his other daughter was falling for an English man. Charlie would feel better once Edward was baptized and committed to being Amish before he dated anyone, especially his daughter, whom he feared he would lose to the English world.

Taking in Edward was almost like adopting a son. He knew he wasn't replacing Rosalie - that was not possible - but he knew in twenty more years he would have Edward, if no one else. Charlie didn't care that his reasons for bringing Edward into his home were a bit selfish. Men do foolish things when they are fearful. And Charlie was very fearful of ending up alone.

"So it seems. I just hope Izzy's time during Rumspringa does not stray too far, although I know I am just in denial. I haven't failed to notice who she is spending her time with. Paul...he isn't a bad man, just confused. When he is living for the Lord, but hanging out with people like James, I worry for him. I don't want my daughter caught up too much with James," Charlie confided in Edward.

Edward couldn't agree more. James made his skin crawl.

"How have you been sleeping, Edward?" Charlie asked as they worked in the barn.

"Better here than anywhere else. I still can't sleep through the night, but I will take what I can get," Edward shared with Charlie.

"And your family? Do you miss them?" Charlie asked. He was wondering if being homesick may be the cause of Edward's choice not to stay. Charlie would respect any decision Edward made. He truly just wanted to help Edward find peace, and being a man of God, thought that finding the Lord was the way.

"Of course I miss them. I sent them a letter a week or so ago, just to tell them I was doing better. I hope that one day they can come visit me here," Edward said, thinking back to the letter that told his parents more about his choice to live Amish. He even put a return address on the envelope. He wanted them to know he wasn't running from them.

"Well, this here," Charlie handed Edward a sealed envelope, "arrived from Chicago for you today." Edward wiped his dirty hands on his shirt before taking the envelope. He looked at it closely and was surprised at who it was from. Sam. His best friend.

"Thanks," Edward said tucking the letter in his back pocket.

"Don't you want to read it?" Charlie asked, curious about the effects the letter would have on Edward.

"Later," Edward said, focusing his attention on the task in front of him.

Charlie respected the line Edward drew and continued to work along side of him. Edward had no clue what Sam would be writing him for. He mentioned in his letter to his parents to let Sam know he missed him. He just hoped Sam's letter wasn't begging him to come home, Edward felt too guilty.

Isabella and Alice stood outside the one roomed school house as the children ran around and played, the breeze blowing their dresses in the wind.

"Izzy, I have to tell you something, and you have to promise me not to tell a soul," Alice stated. The need to get this secret off of her chest was eating away at her.

"Cross my heart," Isabella told her, making a cross with her hands over her chest.

"Sarah is taking over my job - Jasper and I are getting married...soon. Very soon." Alice said. Isabella raised her eyebrows in shock.

"Mary Alice!" she gasped. "No!" Isabella said. She knew the only reason to rush a marriage. Pregnancy.

"Yes, I am so ashamed. I will be married eight months - if I am lucky - before I give birth. I don't know what happened...It just did one night!"

"No one will say anything to either of you," Isabella said. "You are not the first, and you won't be the last."

"But people will talk in secret about it."

"Who cares," Isabella shrugged. "I am happy for you, for you both!" Isabella hugged her friend tightly. "But I am not pleased I have to work with Sarah. It's bad enough she has her eye on Ed-" Isabella stopped herself. She hadn't spoken of her relationship with Edward.

"Edward? Really Izzy? So, I am not the only one keeping secrets," Alice tsked.

"Fine, so I am not the only one with a secret to keep," Isabella shrugged. Alice crossed her heart and they laughed. "He is...gosh - I haven't said _what_ he is out loud yet. He is wonderful Alice, he protects me. And he is an amazing kisser...a wonderful teacher," Isabella said suggestively.

"Really!" Alice gushed.

"Yes! And Alice...he is so lost and scared. I just want to comfort him, fix him. I don't know that I can. He won't tell me anything about his life before - he is afraid he will hurt me. He has anger problems." Isabella whispered. "But I never felt safer than I do with him," she made sure to add.

"Izzy! Izzy!" Rachel yelled running into Isabella's arms, excited because her friend Kelly had given her a wooden chick.

"Look what Kelly gave me!" Rachel said, holding out the chick.

"That was very nice of her! Did you say thank you?" Isabella asked, holding Rachel in her arms.

"I did! I love chicks!" Rachel exclaimed. Isabella placed her down with a smile and a pat on the head.

"Go play, we are going in soon," she said as Rachel ran away with her new toy.

Edward sat on the edge of the bed debating about opening the letter. He finally relented and tore open the side, pulling out the folded piece of paper.

_Edward,_

_Your parents were kind enough to let me know about the letter you wrote home, and told me you asked about me._

_I need to tell you about some things going on here. Things I think you deserve to know since you left. About Emily. And about me._

_When you left, she was heartbroken. She wanted to help you. She was hurt more emotionally by your departure than the physical scars you left on her face. She wanted me to tell you to stop blaming yourself. She knows that you never meant to hurt her. We both just want the best for you. We love you. And in your absence, we found each other._

_I thought you had a right to know. I love her. I am going to take care of her._

_I hope whatever it is you're doing there is working. We both hope you find the peace you deserve. Emily and I understand if you feel betrayed by us, but we hope to meet up with you again one day._

_Love you, man._

_Sam_

Edward crushed the paper in his hand. Not because his girlfriend moved on with his best friend, but because his best friend reminded him of the pain he caused her before he left. Edward couldn't understand how she was so understanding, how she was willing to forgive him for what he did to her.

Edward's mind flashed back to the moment he threw the heavy wall mirror off the wall. How it had shattered inches from Emily. She had shielded her face but it wasn't enough. Glass had ricocheted off the wall and sliced her face. She had needed eighty stitches on the left side of her face - forever scarred by Edward's carelessness. Edward hadn't even stopped or even noticed that his girlfriend was hurt. He'd just kept on destroying everything in sight in the apartment that they had shared.

Edward could see red - he was going to break down. He feared for what could get in his line of fire in Charles's house. He stood from the bed quickly, rushing to the door and swinging it open. On the other side stood Bella; her eyes soft.

Edward didn't need to go any further. He reached for her and hugged her to him as hard as he could. Her small body crushed against his. She could feel every crease, every line, and his heart beating out of his chest, his breath sweet and warm on her neck. Then she felt something wet, as his tears spilled onto her shoulder as he remembered the monster he had become.

Isabella feared her mother or father catching them, but she feared the effects of letting him go more. She worked slowly to push against his stone cold body, just to inch him into the room so that she could close the door to provide him privacy in his moment of weakness.

Once Isabella had him in the room and the door closed, he moved more easily. He walked back to the bed and pulled her onto it with him, holding her just as close. Isabella moved her fingers against his cheeks, and pushed her hand through his hair, causing it to stand in disarray, the way she liked it best.

"BB, are you okay?" Isabella whispered. She refused to break eye contact with her green-eyed god.

"The fire is licking at my heels. I keep running into walls, and I can't seem to break them down without you." Edward said. "If I didn't know you, I am sure I would have given up the fight, stopped running from the fire, and just succumbed to smoke inhalation. You break down the walls so I can walk through them." Edward told her.

"Tell me what happened?" Isabella asked. She had come to him to demand to know what had happened between him and Sarah, when he had broken down into her waiting arms. She completely forgot that she was angry with him.

"I hurt someone I loved. Her name was Emily. My best friend Sam wrote me a letter here, telling me that they were together now," Edward began.

"Oh, and you're upset that she moved on?" Isabella asked. She never would have guessed that he was running from a girlfriend.

"No, I'm just angry at the reminder of the pain I caused her. Because I _am_ screwed up, I _am_ dangerous. I hurt her, Bella - and he wants me to know that she isn't mad! It's such a joke! She was beautiful, ya know? She had long black hair, really shiny...and this olive complexion. Her eyes were black, with like hints of golden brown. She was a model. I took that from her - her beauty. I got mad and I threw a mirror, and it sliced her face. Her entire left side of her face looks like a werewolf attacked her! And he wants to tell me she forgives me. How he will take care of her! That she isn't pissed at me! She _should_ be! How can she NOT be?" Edward finished. Isabella began to cry, listening to the sad story, at how broken he was.

"Because she understands, Edward. There _is_ something inside you that isn't a part of you that makes you so angry. It doesn't define you. Sure, sometimes it maybe able to control you but you fight against it. You are a good man. I believe that - and so does she. I just wish _you_ would."

Isabella slowly brought her lips to Edward's as she kissed him, relishing the taste of his tears mixed with hers as they kissed each other. The feel of her hands in his hair, his hands on her face. He moved his hand down her side and lifted her leg over his hip. Her dress was much higher than the acceptable length as Edward moved his hand up and down her thigh.

He began to feel needy for her. His kiss grew more aggressive as he rolled on top of her. He reached up her skirt and wiggled off her underwear, tossing them to his floor. "God, I want you, Bella," he breathed into her neck.

"Take me," she said, as he unbuttoned his pants and freed his aching cock. He stopped for a moment and looked down at her, brushing some hair off of her forehead.

His raised his eyebrows before asking, "Are you sure?"

Isabella nodded, raising her knees. Edward moved his cock to her center and began to push in slowly. Isabella closed her eyes in fear, waiting for the pain.

"Did you do it yet?" she asked, as Edward groaned.

"Ah, huh." he managed.

Isabella was pleased that it didn't hurt. Sure, it felt a little uncomfortable, but it was not painful. Edward moved slowly inside Isabella, letting her get used to the feeling of being filled. He planned on filling her often. She felt connected to him- they were made to fit together. Meant to make one.

"You are okay?" Edward asked - he wasn't sure how much longer he could maintain his slow pace.

"Ah, huh," Isabella echoed his words.

Edward moved faster, as he felt himself coming undone. He pulled out and let his seed spill onto Isabella's inner thigh.

"I'm sorry - I didn't have a condom. That was a bit unexpected, we missed a few lessons." Edward said as he cleaned her up.

"No, it was great, unexpected is good," Isabella said.

"That couldn't have been good for you; I didn't even get you to come before I got my shit all over your thigh. I can't believe I let your first time be like that," Edward beat himself up.

"You are really good at that you know? Beating yourself up," Isabella said. "I loved every second of it. I loved feeling so close and connected to you - it was like we were one. I loved it." Isabella said firmly.

"Oh yeah, tell me what you loved so much about it," Edward said, doubting she was being truthful. He was positive she was just trying to make him feel better.

"You probably don't even remember. It was just this thing. There you were, above me, and you started brushing my hair off of my forehead, and it felt so nice. It made me feel... safe. Like no matter what, you were gonna protect me. Years from now, when I think back, I'm not gonna remember the clumsy positioning or awkwardness you are causing now, or if the experience itself met the textbook definition of great sex. What I'm gonna remember is how sweet you were, and how you took me to this brand new place. So please - stop ruining my post-coital bliss!"

Edward didn't respond to Isabella's explanation. He couldn't argue with her. He didn't believe she was lying; he just wasn't sure how to accept how quickly he had taken her virginity. He needed her more than anything. He pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair.

"It's like you get this picture in your head of the way things should be, and you end up closing yourself off to some of the wonder and serendipity of the actual experience. I think that's what you do to yourself. Just accept that this is how I lost my virginity, that I wouldn't trade it for the world," Isabella whispered to him. "I mean, is there more to your regret? Was I bad?"

"You think you were bad? That is absurd. I am embarrassed by how quickly I came. I used to pride myself on being able to go for hours. I haven't finished that fast jerking off. It was amazing for me - trust me. I just didn't want you to regret it. I only regret it if you regret it."

"Well I don't." Isabella told him. "Expect more later," Isabella said, getting off of his bed. Edward smirked at her as she kissed his lips quickly.

"I'll be waiting," he said, as Isabella peeked out his door. She didn't even think about the possibility that the sounds they had made would have been heard easily in a home with no electricity. There was no TV, radio, air conditioners or heaters to drown out the sounds.

_Oh well, she thought. What is done is done. Hopefully if it was heard it would be treated like everything else, ignored. _

_**PLEASE REVIEW!! I LOVE THEM!! **_


	6. Chapter 6

**SM Owns Not Me **

**Here we go, round 6. Beta'd by ScottishRose1028, very quickly! More Edward and Bella – and I know how you love them lemons! HAHA! **

**If you read A Perfect Love I started a thread on Twilighted for it, so check it out! **

**And Don'tLive InRegert made a banner for this story! Well a few! And you can see them on my profile as well! **

Edward picked up the small black panties that Isabella had left behind and tucked them in his nightstand drawer. His thoughts were not to keep the panties as some sort of conquest reminder or trophy; he simply didn't want them to be seen by anyone.

The thought of her walking out of his room without any underwear brought his dick to attention again. He was pleased with how fast that was, as he smirked with pride at his hard on.

His smirk soon disappeared as he reminded himself once again of the fight that had broken his resolve to stay home.

_Emily had just come into the apartment from a photo shoot. Her heels clicked against the wood floor as she leaned her hip against the chair opposite of where Edward sat, watching reruns like Happy Days, and Golden Girls. They weren't the type of programs he would normally watch, but they were safe, and made him smile slightly. He spent most of his days since returning home paralyzed on the couch or drunk at the bar._

"_Hey there," Emily said suggestively to Edward, as she started to unbutton her short trench coat. Edward didn't fail to notice her long legs, and sleek red heels. He cursed himself when she let the trench coat fall from her shoulders, leaving her completely exposed._

_Emily knew what Edward had endured when he was overseas. She knew he was suffering, but she thought if they could reconnect that maybe he would come back a little. Since his return, he hadn't so much as slapped her ass. Sure, he kissed her deeply when they were reunited, but his blissful return was short lived._

_He quickly withdrew when the panic attacks began only days after he returned. He wanted nothing more than to be with Emily. To make love to her. But he physically couldn't. __The clicking of her heels reminded him of the gun held at his head, as the man in the desert laughed as he pulled the trigger over and over again, releasing nothing. Click. Click. Click. One for each time the trigger was squeezed. The terrorist cursed himself, for having wasted his bullets when he had executed the five others before him. Edward had wished he was first, instead of last. The images of five men being shot in the head at point blank range had made him vomit. He begged for them to stop, to spare them. They had his hands tied behind his back, attached to his ankles. He couldn't wipe the tears, or the sand that blew into his eyes, away. Not an hour went by that he didn't hear his captain's voice: "Stay strong, Soldier. Don't forget who you are!"_

_Then his captain was shot, point blank, not two feet away from Edward. His blood splattered across Edward's dirty face. Edward was ready to go next. Prepared to die. Repeating the Lords prayer over and over again in his head. How could you even attempt to live after something like this? He closed his eyes in preparation. CLICK. He was still alive. CLICK. Still breathing. CLICK. Holy shit, he wondered, what the fuck are they going to do now? A bullet to the head would have been easy._

_It stung every time he closed his eyes, the grains of sand scraping his cornea. It hurt more to keep them open and watch the bloodshed. He wondered how they would kill him now that they had run out of bullets. They didn't beat him to death, or behead him. No, that death wouldn't be as easy as a bullet to the head. He would have rather die. Instead, they had shoved him into a hole and held him hostage for months._

_Emily walked forward. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. Edward shot up from his seat, grabbed the decorative __mirror off the wall and hurled it in Emily's direction. He wasn't even aware of his actions. He could have sworn that he was back in that desert, though this time he had the use of his hands and legs; and he fought back._

_He wasn't in the desert. And he was hurting the wrong person. Emily had no choice but to call the police, and that night Edward spent in the psych ward, Emily in the ER._

Edward wondered why he was still here. Why he didn't just die – he _should _be dead. Most days he cursed life, death would be much easier at this point. Watching five men, most of them his brothers, executed weren't even half of the nightmares that plagued him. It wasn't even so much of what was done to him in the months he was held hostage – it was the lengths he'd had to go to in order to be set free.

Who was it that said only the dead see the end of war? Edward had seen the end of war. The question was – how did he go on living? Becoming Amish, becoming someone whose life was peaceful and simple was the only thing Edward could do to help ease his pain and suffering.

He was afraid to tell Isabella everything that had happened to him. He hadn't even told his General what he did in exchange for his freedom. He was afraid Isabella would be disgusted with him.

It was selfish for him to hold onto her so tightly he thought, but he couldn't let her go.

The weekend came quickly, and Isabella informed Edward she would not be hanging out with Paul, since his company included James. She did not mention the encounter she had with him earlier in the week.

Because nothing bad was ever discussed.

And Edward wasn't there to protect her. She didn't see any reason to tell him about something that it was too late to save her from.

"I thought you were all about the bar?" Edward asked, her as she sat on his bed. He was a bit relieved he didn't have to risk a panic attack.

"I was, but I don't really like James and I don't want to hang out with him," Isabella told Edward. He was happy she was able to see James' true colors, and that she wanted to steer clear of him.

"Did something happen to make you see what a creep he is?" Edward asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," Isabella said, opening her sketch book. She began to shade in Edward's jaw line as she avoided Edward's interest in the subject.

"Well, I do," Edward replied, pulling the sketch book out of her hands and tossing it to the bottom of his bed. "Did he do something to you?"

Isabella pulled her shirt over her knuckles in an attempt to hide from Edward the angry red mark left by James. Edward was very observant, though.

He pulled up her sleeves and felt his anger rise as he looked at the bite mark on Bella's wrist. "He bit you? What else did he do Bella?" Edward demanded, thinking of how dirty human bites were. Worse than most animals.

Isabella swallowed back, afraid of making Edward mad. She didn't want him to have one of his angry outbursts.

"I don't want you to get upset," Isabella told him.

"Bella, I am already upset, please tell me what the hell happened!" Edward begged.

Isabella surrendered to his demand; she broke the silence and told Edward what had happened three days ago. She had stayed after school to work on organizing some things in preparation for Mary Alice's departure.

_She was cleaning the chalk board when James entered the small room. Isabella jumped, startled by his sudden appearance. His smile was cold, and his eyes told her he was looking for trouble._

"_James, what are you doing here?" Isabella asked._

"_Hey Izzy," James responded, ignoring her question as he approached her. She felt uneasy. Scared._

_She backed up, her back hitting the green chalkboard. "What? Paul said you'd be looking for a good time," he said, placing his hand on her covered breast. Isabella moved to the right, but James followed her._

"_Don't make this harder then it has to be," James smiled cunningly at her._

"_Nothing is going to happen, James," Bella said. This time she attempted to move forward, but he stopped her. He grabbed her arms and pushed her back against the chalkboard. He began to grope her over her Amish dress, as she attempted to squirm out of his grasp. Isabella had never screamed before. She wasn't even sure how._

_She brought her arms up to try to protect herself from his needy hands, and that's when he did it - he bit the side of her wrist that covered her breasts. His teeth sunk in, causing Isabella's instincts to take over. She screamed in pain, and kneed him in the groin before running as fast as she could away from him. _

Edward was ready to pounce. He wanted to knock out every single one of James teeth. "I am going to kill that mother fucker," Edward seethed.

"NO!" Isabella cried. "Please, just let it go. Let's just stay away from him! Please!" Isabella was terrified that if Edward began to teach James a lesson, he wouldn't stop until he was dead. That not even her voice or touch would bring him back.

"It's not worth it! _He _isn't worth it!" Isabella continued.

"No one hurts my girl," Edward told her as his hands formed fists so tight, his knuckles began to turn white.

"Please, promise me that you won't do anything foolish. I _can't_ lose you." Isabella begged. "We don't hold grudges, Edward! We forgive everyone, even if they don't ask for it! If you go after James, you will lose the chance to be accepted into the community!"

"I won't let him get away with it," Edward said through clenched teeth.

"No, you are my bitch, and I say you let it go. It will not make it better. After you do whatever you are thinking, it will still have happened to me. As my BB, I have to demand that you not make any foolish choices that will not change a thing. And, as my BB, I want to go to our little spot, and drink this jungle punch I got from Paul," Isabella said, holding up a gallon of red juice.

Edward stared at her for a long second. His breathing began to even out as he looked into her eyes, that were begging him to let it go.

"Let's sneak out, then Bambi," Edward said, pretending to agree with her. There was nothing she could do or say to keep him from kicking James' ass.

But for now, he would sit on the cool ground and take little sips of jungle juice as Isabella chugged it, getting drunker by the moment.

"We have a problem," she slurred.

"We do?" Edward questioned with a smirk.

"Yes," Isabella stated.

"Whatever it is, we aren't going to discuss it right now," Edward said.

"Says who? I am the owner of BB, I say we talk about this issue," Isabella pressed.

"Not when you are drunk," Edward told her. "Only fun – no serious business."

"Why is that?" Isabella asked, as she straddled him.

"Cause alcohol, you know, it has that effect on problems – it just never solves them. Ever. And I would hate to think that I fell in love with a moron." Edward told her, brushing her hair off of her heart-shaped face.

"You're in love with me, huh?" Isabella smiled, biting her bottom lip.

"Well not currently, no. Right now you're just some crazy drunk girl," Edward laughed.

Isabella got serious. "I love you," she told him. He smiled widely at her and kissed her deeply as she pressed her body as close to his as she could.

She pulled back and began to pull off Edward's shirt. "I think you owe me a few crash courses," Isabella said, kissing down his chest.

"Well, they all take place below the waist," Edward said, taking his dick out. He took her hand in his and kissed it softly before placing it on his hard dick. "Jerking off a guy." Edward began the lesson by keeping his hand over hers as he guided her hand up and down his cock. "And ah, it's nice to pay a little attention to this," Edward instructed as he moved her thumb over the head of his penis.

"Then there is oral sex, or head," Edward said as Isabella pumped up and down his shaft. "And that is when you use your mouth," Edward breathed out heavily. Isabella looked at him and slowly lowered her head, opening her mouth awkwardly wide and wrapping it around his hardness. "Just, ah, try to keep your teeth from scraping," Edward warned her. She closed her lips around him, and moved her mouth up and down like she had done with her hand.

This time, instead of using her thumb to swirl around the head, she used her tongue. Edward bucked his hips in response to Isabella's stellar ability to pay attention to detail.

Isabella moved her mouth as far down his base as she could manage before pulling her mouth back slowly. "Is that good?" she asked, wiping her mouth.

"It's perfect," Edward told her, pushing her back. "But I have one more lesson for the night," he informed her. He pulled down her black tights and buried his face between her legs. He spread her swollen lips and began to fuck her with his tongue. He flicked it up on her clit as Isabella squirmed in pleasure. She could hardly control herself when she felt him suck on her engorged clit.

Edward added his fingers as he focused his mouth on her clit. He could feel Isabella begin to tremble, her orgasm about to come on. He owed her an orgasm from their first time, so he moved his fingers faster as he sucked harder on her clit, cause her to moan in pleasure. Her orgasm began rocking her body.

She swallowed and tried to catch her breath, but Edward wasn't letting her rest. He put his mouth on hers and moved his tongue against hers as he got ready to enter her.

"One down, one to go," Edward said as he moved in and out of her slick pussy. Edward didn't like the idea of her lying on the ground, so he pulled her up and sat her down on top of him; Isabella moved back and forth, enjoying how the movement caused pressure on her sensitive clit.

She moved back and forth harder and faster, as she came again. Edward showered her neck and jaw line with kisses, as the wetness dripped down his cock. Her walls tightened and he lifted her up before pulling her back down. Isabella caught on and began to bounce up and down Edward's shaft. He held her hips and helped her move, and just as he was about to explode, he pulled her all the way off, and aimed the cum onto his own stomach.

Isabella handed him her other pair of panties to clean up the mess and smiled at him, as she pulled on her tights without underwear again. She knew by the look in his eye that it drove him crazy.

Isabella chugged the last of the Jungle juice before cuddling with Edward under the stars.

"I love you, Bambi," Edward said, kissing her temple.

"I love you, BB," Isabella told him, closing her eyes to rest for a moment.

The stars lined the sky when both Isabella and Edward closed their eyes, but when they awoke, it was to a rising sun. "OH SHIT!" Edward said, jumping up. "Your dad is gonna wonder where the hell I am! I get up before the sun to help him!" Edward said, buttoning his pants.

"It's fine; just tell him you came out earlier!" Isabella suggested, grabbing her dirty underwear and kissing Edward quickly on the cheek before leaving him in the middle of the corn stalks.

"Go, I don't know, get water from the well! Act busy!" Isabella called out, as she moved further away from Edward.

Edward ran into Charlie shortly afterward, he did not lie about getting up earlier to work like Isabella suggested. Instead, he told Charlie the truth.

"I couldn't sleep. I came out for some fresh air, I was star gazing and fell asleep, I am really sorry. But I haven't slept that well in a long time," Edward told him. Edward knew he slept well because of Isabella. Because she was with him.

"Don't worry about it, son. I'm glad you had a good nights rest, even if it was in a field," Charles laughed a little. "Take the day off, tomorrow we have church, and then we go to the Blacks, for a get-together. Sarah will be there," Charles reminded him.

Edward nodded, and thanked Charles for his understanding. He didn't want to lead Sarah on, but Charles seemed set on being matchmaker when it came to Edward and Sarah. She was a nice girl, but Edward worried about how Isabella would respond to her father's attempts at matching him with Sarah. He didn't want it to upset her.

He was also worried about the way she might be expected to pay attention to Jacob. They shouldn't hide. They were in love. He cringed at the thought of having to watch her stand by Jacob. He wanted to be with her.

"Edward," Charles said, turning back to him. "Your biggest obstacle in embracing the Amish culture isn't learning to live without technology, or riding a horse, or learning how to work on a farm. Your biggest obstacle is going to be learning how to forgive; not only others for what they have done, but also yourself for what you have done. You must learn to forgive like the Lord has, if you want to shed the burdens of your past." Charles told him.

Edward couldn't comprehend how that would happen. It was one of the biggest reasons he chose to come live Amish, thinking that maybe they'd have the answers he needed. Maybe they could teach him about forgiveness.

He knew Charles was right. If he was ever going to be normal again, he had to give it a chance. And he couldn't risk being told to leave because of his relationship with Isabella.

**So your reading this, you like it, tell WHAT you like. Hell, I will even take constructive criticisms.**

**I will also send out Teasers for anyone that reviews. And if you Rec this story I will love you for life. Srlsy, tell people about it if you like it! **


	7. Chapter 7

**SM owns them I don't**

**Thanks to ScottishRose1028 for fixing my mistakes, I really had an over abundance of Comma's! HAHA!**

Isabella sat in the Black's barn on the left side as her father preached, and the men sat on the right side. She noticed Jacob's eyes wandering over to her every so often, and also Sarah's drifting toward Edward.

Isabella rolled her eyes. Sarah was just about to take over the school house, why all of a sudden she was showing in interest in someone made Isabella wonder how selfish she was. Would she try to have both like Mary Alice? Obviously, Alice didn't do a very good job of trying to have her cake and eat it too.

"We have a new couple to add to the weddings taking place this week, Mary Alice Brandon and Jasper Hale," my father announced as they both stood. Jasper's beard was starting to grow in, a sign that he was getting ready to be married. He would wear a beard the rest of his life married to Alice. The wedding would be held this Thursday at the Brandon's house.

Alice had told me of her mother's shock over the quick wedding, leaving her no time to plant the customary celery stalks.

Edward was beginning to take the customary classes for baptism during the three hour church service, and he secretly hoped that Bella would join him. She would not though. She did sing the hymns and say the prayers; she even knelt for prayer when the time came.

Charles ended the service in the normal closing hymn. The words making Edward's heart ache.

_We alone, a little flock,  
The few who still remain,  
Are exiles wandering through the land  
In sorrow and in pain...  
We wander in the forests dark,  
With dogs upon our track;  
And like the captive, silent lamb  
Men bring us, prisoners, back.  
They point to us, amid the throng,  
And with their taunts offend,  
And long to let the sharpened ax  
On heretics descend_

Isabella looked at Edward as she sang the sad song. The words like prisoner, exiles, captive, and sharpened ax, sent Edward running out of the barn.

Isabella watched him run. She didn't think twice. She pushed herself past her mother, and a few other women to get to Edward. She held her dress down as she ran outside, the wind causing it to blow. She looked to the right and then to the left for Edward. That is when she saw him, collapsed and breathing heavy on the porch steps of Jacob's home. He looked up and saw her. He didn't want to make a scene, and he needed her. He got up and began to walk toward the stalks of wheat that grew on the Black's land.

Isabella followed behind him, until they disappeared into the sea of brown.

"Edward," Isabella called out, pushing the stalks of wheat out of her path. She finally saw him, bent over, hyperventilating, as he supported himself on his knees. She reached out and touched his back. Edward immediately stood and grabbed her. "I'm here," she whispered to him, as she weaved her fingers through his hair.

"Edward? Izzy?" Charles called out, causing Edward to detach himself from his daughter quickly. There was no use in hiding the fact that Isabella had chased after him, everyone in the community was aware of that fact.

"We are here, Daddy," Isabella called.

Charles appeared before them, confused at the actions of his daughter. "What's going on here?" he questioned them.

"I'm sorry," Edward began; he didn't know what to say. He didn't want Charles to hate him.

"Daddy, I was concerned for Edward, I didn't want him to be alone, and I knew you couldn't come to him until you finished preaching. I didn't know who else would check on him," Isabella said, and it wasn't a lie. But, she wasn't about to tell her father she was in love with the man.

Charles had no problem swallowing what Isabella was telling him. "No need to be sorry, Son," Charles told Edward. "Is everything alright, Edward? Do you need to talk?" Charles asked.

"No, Sir, I am better," Edward said. Charles motioned for Edward and Isabella to walk ahead of him to the open yard.

Edward looked at Isabella with relief as they shared a private moment. Isabella acted as if nothing was wrong as she walked first into view from the field. Jacob quickly came to her, wondering why she chased after Edward.

"What is going on?" he asked her.

"Nothing, Jacob," Isabella smiled kindly at him. He should know better then to fish for information.

Edward was sweating bullets from his sudden panic attack. It didn't help that he thought Charles would demand he leave for starting a relationship with his daughter. He wiped his brow, and noticed Sarah who was with Jasper and Mary Alice. She smiled at him, a blush rising to her cheeks.

Edward didn't want to be anti-social so he made his way over toward them. He wanted to meet Mary Alice and her soon to be husband. He had already meet Sarah, and spoken to her briefly about how she was going to be working with Isabella.

"Edward," Sarah greeted, "do you know Jasper and Alice?"

"No not officially," he said, extending his hand to Jasper. "Congratulations," he told them.

"Thank you, Edward. It's a pleasure to meet you, Charles has spoken very highly of you," Jasper said.

Edward made small talk with the group as he watched Isabella talk to Jacob. Isabella didn't miss the fact that Edward was with Sarah. Her attention was not on Jacob as he tried to talk to her, she missed half of what he said while watching Edward. Everytime she tried to excuse herself he found a way to keep her close by. She longed to go to Edward, as he longed to go to her.

"Jacob!" Isabella finally interrupted. "I want to go congratulate Jasper and Mary Alice, will you please excuse me?" she asked politely.

Jacob didn't argue or try to keep her any longer, not that he could have. Isabella made her way to Edward and was not pleased with the conversation at hand.

"Edward, will you attend the sing-along tonight?" Sarah asked.

"I suppose," Edward said, not really sure what he was agreeing to. No one had told him in detail about the courting practices. The traditional way to court someone was through sings held on Sunday evenings. Essentially, Edward had just agreed to a date with Sarah.

"Will you be going, Bella?" Edward asked. She smiled at him trying to hide the anger and jealousy she felt over it.

"I have stopped going since starting Rumspringa, Edward. Sarah, I don't believe Edward knows the implications of attending a sing," Isabella pointed out. She wanted to make sure Sarah knew Edward was not aware he had agreed to a date with her.

"What are the implications?" Edward asked, looking around the group.

"It's an essential element in Amish courting practices Edward," Isabella informed him. He didn't miss the glare that accompanied her words.

Only Alice was aware of the tension between the two. "Oh," Edward said. He wasn't sure how to politely decline her offer now that he had already agreed. "Sarah, I'm sorry, I don't think I should start courting anyone so soon into my new life, I hope you'll understand," Edward told her, a look of regret on his face.

"I do, maybe soon," she smiled. Edward didn't want to lead her on. He only smiled in response. As did Isabella, but hers was a smug smile.

Later that evening, when the awkwardness and tension of the day was behind them, Edward and Bella found themselves among the corn stalks, the ease of being together evident to them both. It was only when they found themselves surrounded by others that things got hard.

Isabella lay on her back against the blanket Edward had thoughtfully brought. Edward rested on his side along side her, his face resting on his hand. He looked at her longingly, his lopsided smile made her putty in his skilled hands.

"Rose is coming in a month," Isabella told Edward. He had agreed to go meet her with Isabella.

"You must be excited," Edward said.

"I am," Isabella smiled.

"You aren't going to stay here, are you?" Edward asked.

"I don't know, BB," Isabella said, trying to steer clear of any type of serious conversation.

"It's not funny," Edward told her.

"Honestly Edward," Isabella said adjusting herself to mirror his stance, "tell me you like me better plain. Tell me, that me in a short skirt with my hair down doesn't turn you on more than dresses below my knees and aprons," Isabella challenged him.

"I think you're beautiful. You could wear a trash bag and I would think you were beautiful," Edward told her.

"You don't miss the English way of life?" Isabella asked him.

"No," Edward told her.

"So, you are going to stay here?" Isabella didn't really need to ask. She feared she knew the answer.

"Yes," Edward told her.

"You won't follow me?" Isabella asked, "If I leave?" she added.

"You won't stay with me?" Edward asked her back.

"There is no middle ground here is there?" Isabella asked sadly. Realizing how the man she loved wanted the complete opposite of her. "Where does that leave us?" she asked.

"It leaves me selfishly clinging to you, for as long as I can. Selfishly hoping you stay," Edward told her.

"It leaves me hoping you will come to your senses, and leave with me," Isabella told him.

They both knew the rational thing to do would be walk away, but neither would give in today. They would hold on to each other until they were forced to break apart. Each day they held on to would only cause them more pain in the end, if neither of them gave in. They both knew the pain they would suffer, that it would be easier to break apart, to just rip off the band aid. But Isabella was a band aid for Edward, and he needed her to stick to him for as long as he could.

He looked at her, and swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. He reached for her face and she inched closer to him, succumbing to his kiss. The kiss was slow and sensual. His face was pained as he kissed her, knowing that it wouldn't last forever. Something eventually was going to tear them apart. The only thing he had was a slight chance she would stay. He clung to that chance and got lost in her kiss.

She kissed him back, begging him with her lips and tongue to follow her. She would slide her tongue in and withdraw it; wait for his tongue to follow her, to seek out her tongue. She wasn't sure why she felt like it meant something, like some sort of subliminal message; telling her he would follow her.

He didn't pick up on the game she was playing of cat and mouse, as she rejoiced when he came to rest on top of her. He made love to her once again, mesmerized by her fair skin, the raspberry birthmark on the left side of her ribs, just below her breast. He loved the way it looked resembled a strawberry. He committed every detail of her to his memory. The freckle on her upper inner thigh, he kissed; the scar on her forearm from when she burnt herself attempting to cook.

He worshiped her – every touch, every kiss, every move he made inside of her he did with love. He prayed it would be enough. That if he loved her enough it would sway her to stay.

Happiness is fleeting. It makes time move fast. It blinds people from the truth. And fire burns when you play with it.

For the next month, he thought he might be winning. Taking every chance he got, with every look, that he loved her. She happily returned every loving gesture he made. He thought that she would choose to stay with him. He was shocked by the news she had for him.

"I'm leaving, Edward." she told him.

"Leaving? What do you mean?" he asked, his band aid being ripped painfully away.

"I am going to live with Rose and Emmett for awhile. I can't make the choices I need to here. There is too much pressure. I need to know what I will be giving up if I stay here," Isabella lied. She knew she was leading him to the hope she would return, but she couldn't let him know the truth. He had to believe the same story her father did.

"So, you could come back?" he asked, a glimmer of hope sparking in his eyes.

She couldn't lie, "I wouldn't hope for that too much," Isabella said. Her circumstances were not ones that would leave her welcomed back. And they left her with no choice but to leave.

"Stay, don't leave me," he asked her, selfishly.

Isabella wanted to ask him to come, but deep down she knew he needed to find the peace he had come there searching for. He needed to learn the forgiveness that only her father could teach him.

"I want to go to school for a little bit, I want to live English – not just party. I want to _see_, Edward." she explained.

"I thought you would stay," Edward said.

"I thought you would go," Isabella retorted. "I see it now, that you need to be here. I know you need to learn to forgive yourself for whatever you did, whatever it is you won't speak of. I know you're afraid of what I might think of you if you told me, but I don't need to forgive you. That is between you and God. The only one you need forgiveness from is Him and yourself. I won't ask you to come with me. I won't ask you to give up the chance to find that, and I know my Father can help you." Isabella told him.

The last month was the happiest of her life. She loved working in the school house, even with Sarah. She had become close with her, enjoyed her friendship. Alice and Jasper had announced the baby they were expecting and everyone was happy for them.

She had finally told Jacob that she didn't plan to stay, that he shouldn't hold onto hope of a future with her. She asked Edward everyday to tell her everything that hurt him, but he wouldn't. She knew he wouldn't move on until he met his past head on. Edward's panic attacks became less frequent as he loved Isabella. He feared they would return with her absence.

She wouldn't ruin his chances of healing. Sure, she helped him, but he couldn't use her as his cure forever. He had to piece himself back together. If she told him the real reason she was leaving, she knew he would follow, and that comforted her enough.

She reached up and kissed his cheek. "I have to go, Rose is waiting for me," she said.

"Will I see you again?" Edward asked, the question burning inside him. He was getting angry that she had told him sooner, given him more warning.

"I don't know," Isabella answered him. She couldn't stand to see him on the verge of tears.

She picked up her duffel bag, and ran as fast as she could from the one thing she wanted. The one thing she couldn't have.

Edward watched her go. He knew all along that there was a possibility one day that this would happen. He just hoped it wouldn't be so soon.

_Why was it so soon?_

He staggered into the house and found Charles. He looked broken. Almost as broken as Edward.

"Izzy, left. She went to go stay with her sister. I fear she won't return, even though she tells me she hasn't made her choice. I think she is trying to make it easier on me," Charles told Edward. He didn't look at him. He just stared down at the Bible he held, and hoped that he wouldn't have to deny another child.

"If she leaves and doesn't come back, she is what, shunned?" Edward asked.

"Yes," Charles answered gravely.

"What about forgiveness? You can't forgive her if she chooses that and accept her choice? Why does it have to be all or nothing?" Edward asked, because he was confused as to why he should be so forgiving if Charles was unable to show his own children that.

"I don't begrudge them for leaving Edward, I forgive them for it. I just can't in good faith support it. It is the consequence of leaving. All choices have consequences."

Edward stared out the window in the direction his Bella ran, thinking of all the consequences he faced from the choices he was forced to make.

Isabella ran to the road and walked down past the cornfields where Rose and Emmett awaited her in their car. She cried as she was forced to leave much sooner than she would have liked. Rose jumped from the car and ran to her sister.

Rose hugged her close as Emmett walked up slowly, picking up Isabella's bag. "Thank you, for letting me come stay with you," Isabella said as she hugged her sister.

"Of course," Rose said. "I can't believe the trouble you have gotten into in such a short time."

"Don't you know Rose, trouble follows me. I am like a magnet for it."

"You can always go back, after. No one would ever have to know." Rose told her, placing her arm around her sister as they walked back to the car.

"I would know, Rose. I can't do that," Isabella told her. "I just can't tell Daddy, he would be crushed. The family would be shamed."

"We will take care of you, both of you," Rose said as Emmett placed Isabella's bag in the back seat.

"Izzy, we got your back," Emmett said, holding the door open for her.

"I prefer Bella now," she requested. It reminded her of Edward. He was the only person to ever call her that, and she liked it much better then Izzy. She wanted to hold on to as many pieces of him as she could.

Separated by secrets, and burned by mistakes, Edward and Bella suffered apart. And no amount of adhesive bandage could fix them. The choices were made and the damage was done.

**Here comes the angst. Give it to me. Review and I will tease you. **


	8. Chapter 8

**SM Owns E and B – I don't**

**ScottishRose1028 is my lovely Beta for this story. **

**I really would love to get more people reading this – so if you like it – could you rec it for me please?**

Isabella drove down the country road with her sister and Emmett, tears brimming in her eyes from walking away from Edward. Soon the country turned to suburbs, with apartment buildings and row homes on either side of her as reminders of why she left.

Edward needed to fix himself. She couldn't be his crutch; it wouldn't be fair to her, or the child she now carried. He had to come to terms with whatever he had done. She didn't doubt that he loved her – she doubted how much was pure love and how much was his need to feel safe.

He had told her he would protect her, but he also was using her to protect himself. They had collided into one another so forcefully, so full of need, and now Bella was dealing with the mistakes of her sins.

"Bella?" Rose asked cautiously from the front seat.

"Yes, Rose?" Bella asked.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on? What happened?" she asked her sister.

"I don't know what happened, Rose. But I refuse to marry Jacob, and make him take on the burden of raising someone else's child."

"No, but you could stay and marry the father, he is Amish, isn't he?" Rose asked. She had no idea about the man that was now living in her former bedroom.

"Not exactly, it's very complicated Rose." Isabella tried to explain that she _didn't_ want to explain.

"Isabella, it's not a married man's child?" Rose asked, of course she would think the absolute worst.

"No, it's a very confused and broken, man's child," Isabella said, thinking of her first love. Remembering the way he had made love to her the last time. The way he cared for her, showed her with every touch how much he needed her.

She pushed the tears back and continued to stare out of the car window, watching buildings whiz by. Soon they arrived at the apartment complex. Emmett opened the door for his new sister, who climbed out carefully. Isabella looked around at her new home, praying that she was doing the best thing for Edward, the best thing for their baby, and for herself.

She didn't have time to think about her choice. She couldn't stay in the community and have a baby out of wedlock, and she couldn't marry the father until he was baptized. She loved Edward enough to marry him, even if it meant living the Amish lifestyle with him. But that was impossible. If it came out that Edward got her pregnant out of wedlock, they would both be shunned.

Soon, they arrived at the modest apartment Rose and Emmett lived in. Emmett carried Isabella's bag up as Rose showed her around the two bedroom apartment. Emmett placed the bag on the floor at Isabella's feet, and she smiled at him in response before he left to watch whatever sport happened to be on television.

Isabella sat awkwardly on the twin bed as she took in her new surroundings, thinking of Edward, and hoping she hadn't broken his heart too much.

_Sweat and dirt dripped off of Edward's skin as he sat in a hole dug in the ground, a prisoner of war. The smell was worse then anything he had ever experienced before. He would have thrown up had he had anything to eat in the past two days. They had given him very little to eat and he could feel his body wasting away. The sunshine crept in through cracks on the trapdoor above him; it was the only light that he had seen. He could hear them coming now – the door opened above him, the light blinding his eyes. A man with a shotgun stood in front of the sun, and although Edward couldn't understand the language being spoken, he knew that the man wanted him out._

Is today the day?_ Edward thought to himself as he climbed out. The man walked behind Edward, the gun digging into his back until suddenly, Edward saw him. Another American solider. He noticed the group that had congregated around his fellow solider, one of the men videotaping the scene._

_Edward was pushed forward, to the center, and he looked around. He was surrounded by enemies._

"_Take," one said in broken English, handing Edward a heavy metal pipe. "Kill," he stated, pointing to the other solider who was crying out, screaming not to kill him._

"_Fuck you all," Edward spat. "No fucking way!" He yelled at them as he threw down the blunt weapon._

_The shotgun touched Edward's head. "Kill, you free. Don't kill, you die," the man said, handing him back the pipe._

"_Please don't! Please don't," the other soldier begged. "Don't fucking do this!" Tears poured down Edward's face._

"_Kill, you free! You go home!" The terrorist yelled over the desperate pleas from the other soldier. Edward knew that either way, he would die. If he didn't do it, they would kill the other soldier anyway – then they would kill him._

_Edward heard the gun cock, and cried out as he swung the pipe as hard as he could, praying the first blow would be enough to kill the other soldier, that he wouldn't suffer. He hit him three more times and blood splattered his face and chest, as Edward screamed how sorry he was._

_He collapsed onto the sand covered ground and wiped away the blood, sweat, and tears with the back of his arm after he threw the pipe away from him. It was silent for a moment. Edward heard the wind blow, and a gust of sand blinded his sight. When it settled, the soldier's body was replaced, as was the silence; in its place, swaddled in a blanket, was a crying infant._

Edward woke up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily, panting for air at the nightmare. Only it wasn't a nightmare – it was his reality. He couldn't escape it, he couldn't forget it. It haunted him every second of every day.

Then he remembered the end of the nightmare, the baby. He didn't know what that meant. In reality, after he had murdered the soldier, they had released him into the desert where he had wandered until helicopters located him. There was never a baby. Edward couldn't imagine why he would dream about a baby, a baby just as real, just as touchable as that metal pipe.

It was the first dream that strayed from the truth of what had happened that day. All the drugs that they had pumped into him when he returned – the Army's failed attempts in dealing with soldiers who were suffering from PTSD was a joke as far as Edward was concerned – an opinion shared by his father, a respected doctor.

His father was working hard trying to bring awareness to the Army, to try to help them learn to heal the returning soldiers. In all honesty he didn't thing they weren't doing much better now than when they had called it 'shell shock' during the first two World Wars.

Edward slept very little in the days following his Bella's absence. He worked outside with the horses in a zombie-like state. He even took Bella's horse RJ for a ride through the trails by the school. That was where he saw Sarah.

She sat under a tall tree by the school yard, reading a book. Edward wasn't sure why he was drawn to her, why he rode the horse up and dismounted, but he did.

Sarah stood with a smile, and brushed her dress down, letting her book lie face down in the tall grass.

Edward held the horse's reins as he greeted Sarah.

"Edward, it's very nice to see you," Sarah said, petting the horse's nose. "Did you know that a horse has amazing peripheral vision?" she asked.

"I don't know much about horses, Bella was just teaching me to ride before she left," Edward told her.

"See, how his ears just pointed at you? That is how you can tell where he is looking. His ears will point in the direction he is looking," Sarah explained. "How is Bishop Swan doing since Isabella left?"

"As well as can be expected," Edward told her, as he thought to himself how Charles was taking it much better then he was.

"I certainly miss her, it was very nice getting to know her at the school when she helped me," Sarah told Edward.

Edward just nodded; he didn't want to talk about her. Part of him hated the way she had left, so fast, so abruptly. It left him feeling anger towards her, like she had abandoned him. She had known how much she calmed him, had helped him get through panic attacks. Thoughts like these, soon brought on guilt. He felt selfish for wishing she stayed for him. He didn't want her to stay and always wish she was somewhere else, anywhere but there. He knew he had to let her go.

"How do you like the church services?" She asked him.

"I..ah...well, I haven't gotten a good hold of the German, so, I don't understand all of it," Edward said a bit embarrassed as he tilted his head to the side, his fingers automatically going to his hair.

"I could teach you," Sarah told him.

"I would like that," Edward said.

"Do you have anywhere to be? We could start now," she suggested, anxious to spend time with him.

"Now? I suppose now is a better time than any," Edward shrugged. Sarah smiled at him, her blue eyes locking with his. She let out a small laugh as she looked down, and toyed with her apron.

She looked back and took the horse's reins from Edward, "Follow me," she said, walking toward the small rundown horse stable. She put the horse safely inside, enjoying the short walk she had just shared with Edward.

She began telling him words in German, followed by English, laughing at his attempts to pronounce some of the words.

"Himmel," Sarah said, "is Heaven,"

Edward repeated the word carefully; he did remember hearing it several times.

"Unsah fadder im himmel, is our Father who art in heaven,"

"Fadder?" Edward asked, trying not to laugh.

"Yes, fadder," Sarah told him, not understanding his amusement with the word.

"It's like a three year old trying to say father, that is all," Edward attempted to explain.

Sarah shrugged, "It's our language Edward, it's how we speak. She translated the entirety of the Lord's Prayer with Edward, who didn't find the rest of the translation so amusing or nearly as easy. He could almost see the relationship in the first sentence of the prayer, but the rest was not as simple.

"Do you like poems?" she asked.

"I can appreciate them," Edward told her.

"See if you can figure out any of the words," Sarah told him as they sat beneath a tree.

"Heut is 's xäctly zwanzig Johr  
Dass ich bin owwe naus;  
Nau bin ich widder lewig z'rück  
Und steh am Schulhaus an d'r Krick  
Juscht nächst ans Daddy's Haus."

Edward stared at her blankly, "Ah, Daddy?" he asked.

"Close, grandpa," Sarah explained. "Any other words?" she asked.

"Haus, house?" he looked at her for confirmation. She nodded at him, "xäctly, exactly?" He wasn't so sure of that one, but it sounded close. She smiled at him wide and confirmed. "Schulhaus. Schoolhouse?"

"Yes! See you are learning," Sarah beamed.

"It's easy with such a great teacher," Edward returned the smile. "Can you translate the poem into English for me?"

"Sure," Sarah said,

"Today it's exactly twenty years  
Since I went up and away;  
Now I have returned, once more alive  
And stand at the schoolhouse by the creek  
Just next to Grandpa's house."

"You like that poem?" Edward asked.

"It sounds nicer in the language it was written in, the translation does not flow as well," Sarah explained.

"I see," Edward said, leaning against the rough bark on the tree behind him. "Listen, I had a really nice time today, and I appreciate everything you taught me today, but I think I better get back," he told her.

"Of course," Sarah said, as they both stood.

"Would it be okay if we did this again tomorrow maybe?" Edward asked her.

"Same place, same time?" Sarah asked shyly.

"Ja," Edward told her, showing off his new limited vocabulary. "Danke," Edward thanked her again.

"Nichts zu danken," Sarah blushed.

Rosalie made plans to take Bella to the doctor's. But first, she made Isabella sit down at a computer and fill out information in order to get health insurance through the state.

Once they made it to the doctor's and had an ultrasound done, Bella found out the date of conception – the very first time that she and Edward had been together. That had been over two months ago, how had it taken her so long to figure it out?

"Well you are due in June, you can have the baby and go back right at the end of the school year. It will give you plenty of time to marry by November, Bella."

"And I just leave my baby with you?" Bella asked her sister as they drove away from the doctor's office.

"Yeah, I can't carry any children, Bella. I would love it, care for it as if it were my own." Rosalie said. And she meant every word.

"Yeah, but Rose, that is if I _want_ to go back," she pointed out. "And what if Edward finds me?" Isabella asked, secretly hoping that he couldn't live without her once she left, and that he had left to find her.

"Edward? Who is Edward?" Rosalie asked, making a sharp turn.

"The father," Bella told her lowering her voice as she rubbed her stomach.

"This screwed up guy?" Rosalie asked, crinkling her eyebrows.

"He is getting help, if he knew all this was going on, he wouldn't be able to get the help that he needs," Isabella explained.

"What kind of help Izzy?" Rosalie asked, her tone dripping with worry.

"He was in the war, he suffers post-traumatic stress from everything that he saw, and he came to Daddy for help. To learn how we live; away from violence and to learn forgiveness. He hasn't learned it yet. If I want any chance for him to help me with our child, I can't have him as sick as he is. He needs to find his peace," Isabella told her sister.

"Well, you have thirty-two weeks to figure it all out, child. What a mess." Rosalie tsk-ed her sister.

"How is Rosie?" Rosalie asked, changing the subject.

"Won't let anyone near him hardly." Isabella told her. "Daddy's been working with him a little, but he hasn't gotten too far with him. Edward says he misses you." Isabella didn't want to upset Rosalie; she wished she could take back that last sentence, so she quickly changed the subject. "I want to go to school, Rose," Isabella told her.

"Bella, I don't know...I mean high school kids can be mean, and you'll be pregnant," Rosalie began.

"Rosie, I am not going to make friends. I want to go to learn. Please?" Isabella asked.

"Fine, but if you don't like it, just tell me. Don't feel like you have to stay and be tough," Rosalie said, looking at her.

"Rose, since when have we ever cared about what people think of us?" I asked, pointing out all the years _Amish Paradise_ was blasted from teenager's cars as they drove past, or as they sat outside one of delis owned by Amish while playing that song. After all the looks, stares, and comments – Isabella could handle being pregnant in high school.

Isabella and Rose went through all the necessary steps in order for Bella to be admitted as a sophomore at the local high school. It wasn't easy, since she only had up to an eighth grade education, but thanks to all the extra reading and studying she did outside of school, she tested in at a tenth grade level.

The night before her first day, Isabella couldn't sleep. She tossed and turned, anxious for the day to begin. When she finally did fall asleep it was anything but peaceful,

_Isabella walked down a crowded, noisy hallway, the kids laughing and joking with one another, all stopping to stare at her. She looked down at herself, her belly huge, her hair in buns, in her Amish clothing. She grabbed her stomach, surprised at how big it had grown. She pushed past everyone and opened the door labeled 'ladies room'._

_When she opened the door to a stall there was no toilet, instead Isabella entered a new hallway._

_Isabella walked down a hallway lined with lockers, not a soul in sight. She was scared and shaking, tears clouding her vision. She wanted to call out, but fear paralyzed her voice. She screamed for Edward in her mind, hoping the words would leave her lips. She reached down to feel her stomach – the basketball sized bump was gone._

_EDWARD, she silently screamed in her head._

_She looked down, her thighs were stained with blood – she could feel the blood trickling down her legs._

_EDWARD, she screamed again._

_Panic hit her. She began to run, trying to open all the doors, looking for someone to help her. She heard gunshots ring and a sob escaped her chest. None of the doors would open, as she desperately tried each one._

_She heard the gunshots getting closer and she ran faster. She came to the last door; on the glass it read 'History'. She grabbed the doorknob and turned it, relief washing over her as she pushed it open._

_A cloud of what seemed to be sand made it impossible for her to see. It was clear that this door had led her to somewhere different._

_That is when she saw him, her Edward – covered in blood and dirt, in his army fatigues, a bloody pipe on the ground, but he was quiet and calm as he picked up a swaddled infant._

_Isabella ran to him, knowing that is was their baby, and he and the baby suddenly vanished._

"Bella, Bella! Wake up!" She heard Emmett yell as he shook her. She opened her eyes wide with horror.

"You're having a nightmare," he told her. "Do you always scream in your sleep? You're gonna scare the neighbors," he chuckled. Isabella didn't find it funny. She could feel the sweat, feel her heart racing; her throat was even scratchy from the way she must have been screaming.

"I never have nightmares," she told him.

"Well, this Edward guy must be pretty scary," Emmett said. "Don't worry – only Freddy can hurt you in your sleep," Emmett tried to joke with her, but Isabella knew nothing of Freddy Krueger or _Nightmare on Elm Street_.

And she never wanted to have a nightmare again. She flipped the sweat covered pillow over before she lay back down, and waited for the sun to come up, afraid of what she might see if she slept again.

Rosalie took her sister shopping for clothes – not too many, since in a matter of months they wouldn't fit her. Isabella pulled out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt she had secretly taken from Edward's room before she left.

She tied it in a knot on the side of her hip, and slipped on a pair of chucks. Rosalie dropped her off at the front of the school. Isabella stepped out of the car and looked up the steps to the front doors of the school.

It was massive compared to the one-room schoolhouse she was used to. She hoped she wouldn't get lost as she took the steps one at a time. She reached the double doors, and pulled one open, revealing a long hallway lined with lockers. Noisy teenagers lined the halls, and lockers slammed shut. Isabella reached for her stomach, just to make sure and it was still flat. She noticed that some kids stopped to stare at her, but there was no huge bump or Amish clothes, so there was no reason for them to stare.

Then it hit her, she was the new girl. They were going to stare. She looked at her feet and nearly bumped into an unsuspecting Mike Newton.

"Sorry," she mumbled stepping to the left of him.

"It's cool, are you lost?" he asked her.

"I, ah...I just need to find the main office," Isabella said looking up at him.

"Right there," he pointed it out, a few doors down. "I'm Mike," he said extending the hand that wasn't holding an arm full of books.

"Bella," Isabella pointed at herself. "I have to go," she said walking forward slowly, "It was nice to meet you," she added as Mike smiled goofy at her.

"See you around, Bella." Mike's grin never fell as he walked away, a new spring in his step.

Bella stood outside the door to the office, she took a deep breath and she entered, realizing her dream was much scarier than reality. With a smile she introduced herself and began her day, as a normal English girl.

**So, Reviews are fuckawesome – almost as good as Rob partying with John Stamos and Bob Saget this past weekend – and I love them. Now, for the amount of people who have this on alert – it doesn't show in reviews – So please, if you wait for updates and come read – leave some of your thoughts, it's one of the few rewards authors of FF get in return for their writing. **

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	9. Chapter 9

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**CHAPTER 9 **

_Bella ran frantically through the cornfields, lost. In all her years surrounded by the tall cornstalks she had never feared getting lost in them but right now, she was lost. She pushed the stalks out of her way as she ran in what seemed like circles. Searching. Her hands in front of her as she stumbled, her feet slipping in the dirt. Her face would have met the ground had a hand not reached out and steadied her._

_She looked up, hoping to see Edward. Her protector. It wasn't him though – it was James. His smile condescending, frightening. She shrugged away from him, but he stalked her like she was his prey. In her attempt to escape she fell backward, landing on her butt. She used her hands and legs to move herself further away from him._

_That is when she saw it, the gun he held at his side. "No, please," she begged. He knelt down, cocked his head to one side and stroked her face._

"_Run, and don't ever come back," he barely whispered as a warning. _

_Bella got on her feet, turned her back and ran. It got dark as she ran straight ahead. A small light could be seen in the distance but, it seemed to be miles away. When she finally reached the light, it blinded her. She shielded her eyes from the bright sun, and began to focus on the one room school house_

_She didn't see Edward but she heard his words: "I should have killed him when I had the chance."_

Bella woke up crying. Not because she was scared, but because of how she missed him. How she ached for him.

She had been fitting in well in school. Mike had been very welcoming, inviting her to sit with him and his friends at lunch. She found a few of the girls a little snobby, but she tried to fit in. She could tell Lauren had a thing for Mike and how blind he was to it.

No one had found out that she was pregnant yet. She wasn't sure how that was going to work out. If maybe one day she should just say: "hey – by the way, not sure if you know this, but I'm expecting." It just didn't feel right. So she kept it to herself, for as long as Mike would let her.

She sat down at the lunch table, across from Mike who always smiled warmly at her. "Hey," she said, addressing everyone at the table. Everyone smiled up at her as she sat, getting ready to eat the sandwich she had packed for herself.

"So Bella," Mike began, "I was wondering...do you think...um...do you want to go see a movie with me?" he asked her nervously.

Bella bit off more then she could chew, surprised at being asked out. She noticed the glare Lauren shot over at her then Mike.

"Excuse me?" Bella asked again, trying to hide her shock.

"You know, do you want to go out on a date...with me?" Mike asked again.

"Oh," Bella said flatly. "A date," she repeated. "I, ah...I don't date," she told him.

"What you're not allowed?" Mike asked, thinking that her parents must be very overprotective. _If he only knew._

"I just don't think I should right now," Bella said.

"Bella, you're sixteen – now is the best time to be dating," Mike stated.

Bella struggled with how to tell her new friends that she was pregnant. She was, and there was no use hiding it.

"I thought that you knew," Bella addressed the table, all of whom were listening for Bella to agree to a date with Mike.

"Knew what?" Lauren asked, expectantly.

"That I'm pregnant," she swallowed. Mike nearly dropped his drink in his lap, while Lauren spit hers out.

"No, Bella. You never told us that," Mike said.

"I didn't know you were seeing someone, Bella! Who is he? Tell us about him?" Lauren asked.

"I'm not seeing anyone, and I really don't want to talk about him," Bella said.

"It's cool, I mean – I understand why you don't want to date...but the offer still stands," Mike added, and he meant it.

Lauren picked up her tray, and huffed away. She couldn't believe that he would rather date a pregnant girl than her.

"You should ask Lauren, she really likes you," Bella told Mike, eating more of her sandwich, and thinking of no one but Edward.

The news about the new girl spread fast, thanks to Lauren. Bella just put her best foot forward, determined to spend the short amount of time she had left as normally as possible. She could handle it. She was happy that her new friends didn't run away scared.

She spent most nights in her new room sketching his face. His hands. The muscles in his back. His eyes. His strong jaw. Her favorite was his lopsided smile. She wondered what features the child she carried would share with him.

She knew her sister was willing to take the baby if she wanted to go back. She also knew she couldn't choose Edward over the baby. She struggled every day with the choice she made to leave. At first, she thought that she would go back and tell Edward. Now she wondered how he would ever forgive her, if he would ever understand. If he would move on, embrace being Amish, and then for her to selfishly go and tell him when it was too late. She wondered if she was really being the selfish one.

There was no way for her to know what choice was best for everyone – or if there was even a choice that would work for everyone. Edward needed peace, not a baby. He was terrified of hurting her, how would he feel if he hurt his own child? How would he feel having that fear everyday? She had to hope that he understood why she left.

She pictured telling him everyday in her mind. Sometimes he was shocked; other times he told her that he couldn't do it or that he wasn't ready. She tried so hard to picture him smiling at the news but she never could.

Bella walked in the apartment after school, dropping her school bag with a thud at the door. She wasn't prepared for all the heavy books that accompanied an English education.

"How was school?" Rose asked, shutting off her vacuum and pointing to it. "These things are wonderful," she told her sister.

"It was fine aside from having to tell people I am pregnant...everyone was staring at me all day. It was nice, for a little while I was just a normal girl and no one stared." Bella sighed, sitting down on the couch.

"I'm sorry," Rose said, sitting next to her sister. She wrapped her arm around her shoulders to comfort her. "What are you going to do?"

"I just have to keep doing what I am doing. Take care of myself, and the baby. Hope that Edward gets better. Hope he doesn't resent me. It's not as if I don't plan on telling him...but he needs time. I just hope six months is long enough. Do you think God has forsaken me?" Bella asked her sister.

"No, Izzy! He forgives."

"Because, I think my prayers are the only hope I have that Edward will be ready in time."

"It will all work out for the best," Rose told her sister. Bella rolled her eyes at the cliché. "Emmett and I are here for you. For the baby. Whatever you need, okay?"

"I know Rose," Bella rested her head on Rose's shoulder as she stroked her hair.

"I can see you love him, if he is a smart man, he will understand. If he is so screwed up that he wishes to be Amish instead of English..." Rose trailed off with a laugh.

"Rose! Stop!" Bella laughed. "Don't condemn him like that. He isn't that screwed up, he is lost." Bella said with hope. She remembered all of the times that her father talked about willing things to happen by words; that words were powerful and the simple act of speaking badly could give them power.

Bella wanted to speak positive things about Edward if that were true. She wanted to scream from rooftops that he would forgive himself.

Edward found himself enjoying the companionship he shared with Sarah. It was nice to finally have a friend. The way she valued her way of life made it so easy to just be with her.

If Bella could move on, so could he. He wasn't going to wait and hope that she'd come back. His life was easier here, and he would do his best to become one of them.

He was aware that Sarah was hoping for more to happen between the two of them, and he couldn't lead her on knowing that his heart was still with Bella. He knew that it wouldn't be fair to either of them.

Edward found himself back at the general store he first went to with Bella, picking up some things for Renee. He struggled to find the seemingly random placement of food, farm tools, and paper products.

After spending twenty minutes trying to locate the three items, he went to stand in line. His eyes wandered out the dirt covered window as he watched cars, horses, and people pass by.

Then he saw him – James. The mark that he'd left on Bella's arm flashed through his mind and he could hear his chest rumble as anger washed over him.

"Next," the cashier said to Edward. Edward looked at him – for a brief second he considered Bella's wishes to forgive, but what were promises to people that left? He dropped the items on the counter, and stormed out the door.

James was walking, heading toward the corner bar when Edward grabbed his shoulder and jerked him back. "What the fuck, dude?" James yelled.

"I hear that you like to push yourself on unwilling girls," Edward told him with a shove.

"Dude, that girl has been begging for it," James said, putting his hands up. Edward grabbed his shirt by the collar and pushed him into the side of the bar. He slammed James against the wall, letting his head hit the brick with a thud.

Edward didn't find the need to use his words on James any longer. Only his fists. He held him against the wall with his left arm as his right fist pounded into his stomach, causing James to buckle over in pain.

He hit him in the face with his right hook, sending his face violently to the left with a spray of blood.

"Edward!" Sarah called in shock.

Edward looked back, and loosened his grip on James, letting him slump over.

"Come with me?" She asked holding out her hand. "This isn't the way," she coaxed him. "If Charles finds out he will make you leave, please Edward."

Edward looked at James and spit. "You're lucky. I should have killed you," he said letting him go, his body falling to the hard ground. Edward knew his anger towards James had nothing to do with his flashbacks. It was the first time since returning from overseas that he got violent with someone over something that had nothing to do with that.

He didn't like to fight. He wished that he could be the type of man that turned the other cheek, but not when it came to hurting Bella. He wasn't pleased and he didn't feel better about hurting James. For a split-second, he saw some progress within himself. No sooner did he feel ill about the blood that had splattered out of James' face, he never wanted to harm anyone again. It reminded him of the unspeakable act he committed. The reason he was here; to find peace, to live without violence.

Bella was right. Edward may have hurt James; caused him to hurt and bleed, but it didn't change anything. James had still hurt Bella. Now what was there? Justice? No. Edward didn't feel like he had fixed the situation. Tomorrow would come, and Bella would still have the memory of James attacking her.

Edward walked towards Sarah's outstretched hand, but he didn't acknowledge her – he walked past her without looking at her. He heard her walking closely behind him and he spoke to her without turning his attention to her. "What are you doing here?" he asked, stopping.

"I was in the store Edward, when you rushed out, I didn't know if something was wrong," she told him, touching his arm.

He finally turned and looked at her, "Are you going to tell?" he asked, looking down. He wasn't ashamed for what he did. He believed James deserved a hell of a lot more then he got.

"No," she said, shaking her head.

"Are you afraid of me?" he asked her.

"No," she repeated, stepping closer to him.

"Do you want to know what that was about?"

"No," she told him.

"No one asks any questions here, it's like the Army: don't ask, don't tell." Edward said, walking back towards the store to get the things he had promised Renee.

It was part of what he liked about living there. No one asked, and he didn't have to tell. Bella was different. She wasn't cut out to be quiet and reserved. It was in her nature to question things, to seek out knowledge and learn everything she could. Edward knew she wasn't made to live inside the small box that he struggled to fit into.

Edward offered Sarah a ride back to her house in his buggy. They made small talk on the leisurely ride. He asked her about school and she tested him on the German she had been teaching him. The weather was getting colder, and the trees were getting bare.

Edward pulled the horse to a halt outside of Sarah's home. He climbed out and went around to the other side of the buggy, extending his hand to Sarah, who gingerly placed her hand in his as she stepped down. "Thank you, Edward."

"I'm sorry about all that back there," Edward said, feeling the need to apologize.

"I won't say I wasn't a bit scared. We don't respond in anger. I suppose that is something you will learn in time here," Sarah told him.

"I hope," Edward replied. "I'll see you around?"

Sarah nodded with a smile before giving him a small wave and heading into her house.

"Did you find everything okay?" Charles asked Edward, wondering what had taken him so long.

"Yes, I bumped into Sarah," Edward told him.

"I knew you two would hit it off," Charles smiled at Edward.

"She is a nice girl, very helpful," Edward told him.

"Her father is weary of you, since you aren't baptized," Charles started to explain.

"I don't mean to be leading her in that direction, sir." Edward was a bit taken back that people assumed he was courting her.

"It would be good for you to court her, to start making steps to make your life here more permanent. I don't think her father will stop it," Charles told him.

"Like I said, she is a friend." Edward didn't want to make Charles think he wasn't trying. He also didn't want to lead Sarah on. But he enjoyed her company. Beside Charles and Renee, he didn't have anyone else he considered a friend. Maybe it was selfish of him, but he didn't want to stop seeing her.

Later that night when the house was quiet and dark, Edward was awake and staring up at the ceiling, wishing he could find some comfort.

Soon, his eyes were too heavy and his lids closed, allowing his dreams to take over his mind.

"_Bella!" he called out, as he watched her run into the cornfields. He chased after her, desperate to find her. "Bella!" he yelled again. In the distance he heard the faint crying of an infant. Whatever direction Bella was running in was taking him closer to the cries._

_He came to a stop and bent over to catch his breath. He looked up when he heard a rustling and saw her._

"_Bella!" he called out again. She didn't look, or hear – or maybe she was simply ignoring him._

_He kept getting glimpses of her, realizing that she was running scared. He felt like he could almost reach out and touch her._

_He knew he was getting closer to her. He stopped. He felt like everything was spinning around him. When the world around him had turned in a complete circle and stopped, James stood before him._

"_I told her to run. It's gonna get ugly," he told Edward holding up the gun._

"_I should have killed you when I had the chance," Edward said, as James pointed the gun at him. He smirked and then turned his aim to the left. Edward followed the aim of the gun._

_Sarah stood unaware, as James pulled the trigger, the bullet whizzed through the air, hitting Sarah's chest. Her scream was silent and her body fell with a thud._

Edward thought of how vivid his dream was, how it held nothing of his past. He wondered if it was a good thing that he didn't dream about being the murderer. He wondered why he would dream about Sarah being shot. Was it because she had witnessed the fight he had with James? He hoped he hadn't set her up to be James newest prey. Maybe that is what he feared.

The way his dream ended distracted him from the fact that there was an infant crying in the beginning. But in the back of his mind, even when Sarah was shot in his dream he could still hear the cries.

He never put much stock in his dreams. Before the war, his dreams always seemed to be screwed up versions of something random in his day. These dreams, they were new. Different. Nothing like he had ever had before. He was helpless in them. He couldn't control them, or will them to change. He couldn't wake up from them. As much as he screamed inside to wake up, he couldn't. They were mentally paralyzing; and all they did was make him wish for Bella.

He only saw her for a brief second, but he would take it. She was so real. He couldn't imagine her that vividly. He wanted to dream of her every night. Even if it did make him helpless, and even if he only saw her for a moment.

**Thanks for reading! I love to hear what you all are thinking! Keep my new iPhone buzzing all day with Review alerts! HAHA! **


	10. Chapter 10

**SM owns them. Not me. **

**ScottishRose1028 was my lovely Beta! Thanks BB! **

**And HippieStar is my awesome pre reader! **

Bella had slept later than she had ever slept before. School was wearing her down, being pregnant was making her tired, and the dreams she was having kept her from finding a good night's sleep since she had left.

Saturday mornings never meant much to her before. She didn't realize that people like her brother-in-law became like children once the weekend rolled around. She walked out of her new bedroom to find Emmett with a large bowl of cereal laughing at the cartoons that played on the television.

"Just ignore him," Rose said, switching on the vacuum cleaner.

"ROSE!" Emmett yelled over the loud engine as she went over the same spots on the carpet, leaving behind lines.

Rose pushed the vacuum upright and shut it off. "What?" she asked, clearly annoyed as she placed her hand on her hip.

"Can't you see I am watching TV? You just vacuumed yesterday," he pointed out.

"And you got crumbs all over," she said pointing to crumbs that could barely be seen.

Rose put the vacuum back on and Emmett picked up the remote to increase the volume on the TV.

"Hey Bella," he smiled at her as he shoved a big spoonful of cereal in his mouth.

Bella waved at him shyly as she weaved between him, Rose, and the vacuum.

Bella had been to a doctor about her pregnancy, and she didn't really feel comfortable with him. Rose suggested a midwife which Bella felt much more comfortable with. Being pregnant was a natural thing, and Bella wasn't used to all the unnecessary tests they had. With the midwife, there were no ultrasounds.

Rose encouraged Bella to have one, to find out the sex of the baby, but Bella refused.

Once Rose turned off her new favorite toy and Emmett had put the volume down to an acceptable level, Bella made her way out of the kitchen.

"Sit," Rose demanded.

"Okay," Bella shrugged, sitting next to Emmett as her sister towered above her. Bella looked up at her in confusion. Rose sunk down to sit on the wooden coffee table in front of the couch.

"What are you doing, Izzy?" she asked. Because since the day she picked her sister up, she hadn't gotten much information out of her.

"What do you mean?" Bella asked.

"What are you planning to do? About the baby, about the baby's daddy...it's like the million dollar question!" Rose exclaimed, waving her arms in frustration.

"Oh...well, I don't know," Bella told her meekly.

"That's bullshit. What do you _WANT_ to happen?" Rose clarified.

"I want Edward to get better, I want him to leave and be with me. So we can be a family," Bella told her. It was easier then she thought to say. But of course, it was much more complicated.

"Tell us about Edward, I don't know anything about him, aside from the fact that he is fucked up."

"Like what?" Bella asked.

"Anything you know about him!" Rose exclaimed. "It's like pulling teeth to get information out of you!"

"He is twenty-one...he struggles with things that happened in his past, things he won't even talk to me about!" Bella told her sister in aggravation.

"Twenty-one?" Emmett questioned. Bella nodded. "Yeah, what you want to happen, won't happen out here very easily. Us English folks tend to look down on statutory rape," Emmett scoffed.

"Rape?" Bella questioned. "That is nuts. Why would you even think that?" she asked, appalled.

"Bella, age means something here. If you're over eighteen you are considered an adult. If you are under eighteen you are considered a minor, and men get in trouble all the time for having sex with minors." Emmett told Bella the harsh truth. Age wasn't just a number.

"He didn't rape me," Bella still argued. "He would never," she said shaking her head, still confused, still trying to grasp the consequences Edward would face in this English world.

"Bella, he can't just be with you like that. There are laws, and rules, and stigmas. And he would be...he wouldn't be looked at in the best light. People wouldn't understand why he slept with such a young girl. I mean...didn't he..." Emmett struggled himself to come to terms with the facts.

He didn't think too highly of Edward for sleeping with someone Bella's age.

"What?" Bella asked.

"I just...it makes me wonder, what type of twenty-one year old who _was _brought up outside of the Amish starts sleeping with a somewhat naïve sixteen-year-old girl," Emmett told Bella and Rose.

"It's not like that, he is not like that. Are you suggesting he took advantage of me? Because he didn't!" Bella began to get defensive.

"Bella...I just find it all a bit sketchy. And out here in this world...I'm not going to be the only one." Emmett told her the blunt truth. "I mean, you said it yourself, how well do you actually know this guy?"

"He isn't like that. He isn't creepy or sketchy," Bella tried to defend him. "Rose," she said in a pleading tone, "he isn't like that," she begged her sister to believe her. She wasn't entirely sure why she felt the need to make Rose believe her, but in all honesty; she was starting to question who Edward truly was. That if maybe she could convince Rose, she could convince herself.

"Iz, what did he tell you about himself, exactly?" Rose asked.

"That...that he gets angry. That he...fights," Bella told them. "I know he was struggling and lost his temper one night with his girlfriend," Bella told them. "He didn't mean to hurt her. It was just an accident," Bella said, not giving the details of what had happened to push Edward to the choice he made to leave.

"Bella! He sounds dangerous! Does Daddy know about this?" Rose asked.

"He knows everything about him, Rose! He is trying to help him be better! Something awful happened to him to make him like this! He doesn't want to be like that. He protected me! And when he would get upset...I could calm him. Me." Bella told them both.

"He can't be near that baby," Rose told Bella, her tone authoritative as she pointed to Bella's stomach.

"He wouldn't hurt me. He wouldn't hurt the baby! But he would be afraid he would. I need him to find the answers he came looking for. That is why I left. I have until June...right after I deliver I will go back, see how he is...hopefully, he is better," Bella told them.

"And if he isn't?" Rose asked.

"I don't know Rose. I will know when I see him. Until then...I just have to take it a day at a time," Bella told her sister.

Rose and Emmett were both against any plans Bella had to go back to Edward. They worried that she was taken advantage of. Or that he could hurt her and the baby. They didn't know him the way Bella did.

Bella got dressed, and announced her plans to hang out with Mike, Lauren, and Angela at the mall for the day. She couldn't get much more English, and she liked the idea of spending the afternoon normally.

Rose gave her some money, and soon Bella was gone with her new friends.

Bella soon found out she didn't like shopping. She spent the majority of the day with Mike while Angela and Lauren went into every store. Searching for the perfect shoes, purse, the perfect anything for absolutely any event.

She was happy Mike was with her. He kept her laughing as they watched people walk by them. "I'm getting hungry," Bella said as her stomach growled.

"I can hear," Mike commented. Lauren and Angela came out of Forever 21 with all of their bags, talking about which store to hit next.

"Why don't we take a break and get some food," Mike suggested. "Gotta feed the pregnant lady," he winked at Bella.

"Thanks," Bella said rolling her eyes.

As they walked toward Ruby Tuesday to get some dinner, Mike asked if they all wanted to see a movie afterward. "My treat," he whispered to Bella with a small nudge.

"Sure," Bella smiled.

"Sounds good to me," Lauren added.

"I can't," Angela frowned. "But you guys have fun; I promised Eric I would come over tonight."

After dinner, Mike, Lauren, and Bella headed to the movie theater. Mike sat awkwardly in the middle of Lauren and Bella throughout the movie. As he wanted to put his arm around Bella, Lauren inched her hand closer and closer to his.

Bella couldn't believe how late it had gotten. "I can't believe it's past ten," she said with a yawn. She climbed in the back seat since Lauren had called "shotgun" – something new Bella had never heard of. Bella didn't mind one bit, riding in the backseat didn't bother her.

It did, however, bother Lauren a great deal when Mike dropped her off first. Bella climbed into the front seat as she said goodbye to Lauren.

"Gosh, it's getting cold," Bella noted to Mike as she got back in the car.

"Yeah, where is your coat?" Mike laughed, taking in Bella as she wore only a long sleeved Henley that she had taken from Edward.

"I didn't think we would be gone this late," Bella shrugged.

"Here," Mike said, shrugging out of his coat. He wrapped it around Bella before she climbed back in his car.

"Thanks," she said, slipping it on.

Bella and Mike rode back to her apartment building in a comfortable silence. He parked the car as close to her building as he could. Being a gentleman he got out and opened the door for her and extended his hand to help her out of the car. As she stood, he still did not let go of her hand. She wasn't uncomfortable holding his hand, but she knew it meant more to him than it did to her. She slowly withdrew her hand from his and wrapped the oversized coat around her waist.

"Let me walk you up," Mike said motioning toward the door to her sister's home. It was a nice apartment complex and being on the first floor afforded them the luxury of having a door that lead directly into the apartment.

"Sure," Bella said, as they walked forward. Once they had reached the door, Bella pulled out her keys and began to look for the right key.

"I had a nice time," Mike said leaning close to Bella.

"Thanks, so did I," Bella smiled at him. Mike leaned down and kissed her.

Bella pushed back. "Mike," she said rejecting him. She shrugged off his coat and handed it back to him. "You are a great friend, I just...I'm just not looking for more than that right now," she explained as he took the coat.

"Can't blame a guy for trying," he smiled as he walked backwards. "See you later," he waved.

Edward and Sarah sat underneath the tall tree by the school house. His Pennsylvania Dutch was getting much better even within the short few weeks Sarah had spent with him.

"Can I ask you something?" Edward asked her, putting the newest lesson on the back burner.

"I suppose," she said, closing the book on her lap.

"What did you do for your Rumspringa?" Edward asked. He was curious about what type of person she was.

"Nothing crazy. Nothing like Isabella," she said shaking her head.

"What did you hear about Bella?" he asked. This was not the direction he wanted the conversation to go, but he couldn't not push for more information.

"Party, drugs, sex, drinking," Sarah told him.

"So, what did you do?" Edward asked again.

"I liked to watch movies. Not very exciting. But I liked to watch films," Sarah explained, her shyness seeping through.

"Movies? Like which ones?" Edward asked. He could talk to her about movies if he had seen them.

"_It's a Wonderful Life_, _Mr. Smith Goes to Washington_, _Pocketful of Miracles_. Simple desires fulfilled, aspirations realized. What I like most about those movies is the fact that no matter how far off the pedestal the character fell, they always got a second chance. Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts the Lord has given us – with it comes understanding." Sarah told Edward.

"I could use a second chance," Edward muttered. "Even a rainbow would be nice," he said pulling up a few blades of grass.

"My father says, "If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with a lot of rain." And no offense Edward, from what I've seen of you so far, you'd better buy yourself a good umbrella."

"That is reassuring," Edward smirked, throwing the blades of grass at her. "Got anymore wise words for me?"

"I was brought up a proper lady. I wasn't meant to understand things. I'm just meant to look pretty, and then someone nice will marry me," Sarah said, avoiding his question for more advice.

"Doesn't it matter if you love him?" Edward asked.

"I will grow to love him. Within everyone is a person. I believe all you have to do is keep an open heart, and accept people, and love will come."

"And that is good enough for you?" Edward asked her.

"Of course I hope to be lucky enough to find someone like Mary Alice has in Jasper," Sarah confided in Edward. She wanted to go the extra step and say she wanted him, but she was too shy, too reserved to do that.

"Do you know why Bella left?" Edward asked her out of nowhere. Aside from him, Sarah had seen her the most the month before she left.

"She didn't tell me, but I heard what they speculate," Sarah shrugged.

"What exactly do they speculate?" Edward asked, raising an eyebrow.

"That she got in some _trouble _with Paul, who just married one of the Black girls. I heard he told her he would not marry her so she could stay, forcing her to go." Sarah told Edward the not so far from the truth story.

"Paul?" Edward questioned. "No," he said shaking his head. "She would have never..." Edward trailed off.

The dreams. The baby. The baby crying. James. She was running from James.

Did James do more to her then she let him believe? Did James rape her, and leave her pregnant, forcing her to leave? It hit Edward like a ton of bricks. His dreams were trying to tell him something.

_I would have helped her!_

"She would have told me that," Edward said, without thinking.

"Edward, she didn't tell anyone. She was too ashamed. It would have ruined too many lives." Sarah told him.

_I would have taken her to get an abortion if she needed, or claim her and the child as my own, begging Charles to let me marry her right away. Whatever she wanted – I would have helped her Unless she thought I was too broken..._

Edward had an intense urge to find her, to demand to know what was really going on.

"It's all gossip Edward." Sarah said, in her attempt to calm the ignited man that stood over her. "There is probably no truth to it. I shouldn't have spoken of it again. That is very sinful."

"Just took me by surprise, that is all." Edward said, extending his hand down to Sarah. "Ready to go?" he asked her as she placed her hand in his.

Edward couldn't get the dreams of babies and James out of his head. Why else would she leave? If she believed that it was his child she would have told him. But if she didn't want anyone to find out what James did to her, she would run away.

When Edward got back to his new home he didn't hesitate to question Charles about what he had heard.

"Did you hear what people are saying about Bella?" He asked, as soon as he saw him out in the barn. His tone was accusing and Charles didn't fail to notice that Edward called her Bella. Not Isabella, or Izzy like everyone else, but Bella.

"Can't pay attention to gossip, Edward," Charles said.

"So, you have heard. You just don't care?" Edward accused again.

"I know you care for my daughter, Edward," Charles said seriously. "I know how she attempted to see you...in a less than acceptable way. I don't know the extent of the relationship you had with my daughter. I don't want to know. She is gone now, Edward. She may come back, and she may not. She is very young still in many ways," Charles said shocking Edward into silence.

Edward swallowed thickly.

"Edward, everyone is tempted. Everyone falls down. Everyone gets a second chance. You are still here for a reason. When Rosalie left, I was angry. I am not perfect. Take it from someone who spent the better part of last spring angry at the world, it's not worth it. It might numb the pain a little bit, but it's just a distraction. My point is: if you do it right, Edward, loving somebody is going to hurt and the sooner you let yourself feel that, the sooner you'll be able to love again," Charles said.

"Move on?" Edward questioned.

"She did," Charles told him bluntly. "You are still here," he pointed out. "Sarah's here." Charles said cocking his eyebrow.

"You think that is the answer? Court Sarah?" Edward asked.

"I think the sooner you let yourself feel the pain of your past, the pain of hurting people you love, the pain of being hurt by someone you love, the sooner you can overcome your past. I think when you let people in, let them love you, you will begin to heal." Charles told him.

"Love heals all wounds?" Edward asked, with a small smile. He found it to be a bit corny.

"You don't feel worthy of being loved. Let someone love you, see how you change," Charles said, unaware that Edward already knew that was the truth. He already saw himself change by allowing Bella in.

But now she was gone. He wasn't going to give her up without a fight.

"I love your daughter," Edward admitted to Charles. He wanted to find her. Be with her. Let her heal him.

"I knew that," Charles said. He hesitated for a second before giving Edward the information he wanted, "There is a letter...from Rosalie. It has her address on it. If you want to go find her start there." Charles told Edward. "It's in the table drawer in the living room."

"Thank you," Edward told him.

"And Edward," Charles said stopping Edward, "You are welcome to come back if it doesn't work out."

Edward nodded at him in thanks as he turned to leave. He had brought some money with him just in case, and with it he planned to rent a car to get to Bella.

He searched through the table finding the letter, he took out a pen and wrote out Rosalie McCarty's return address.

He didn't waste anytime changing back into his jeans, before he began to walk down the country road, holding his thumb out to the few cars that passed by to hitch a ride.

Eventually a buggy stopped. "Edward?" Jasper and Alice asked.

"Hey," he said. "I need to get to a car rental place or something," he told them.

"We can take you," Alice said making room for Edward.

Edward climbed in and thanked them. "You're leaving?" Jasper asked as the horse began to trot down the road.

"I don't know, I want to find Bella," he told them.

"Took you long enough!" Alice exclaimed, sharing a smile with Edward, as Jasper focused on the road ahead of him.

What would he say to her? Would he ask her to come back with him? Stay with her? What if she told him to leave? That she wanted nothing to do with him.

And Edward's worst fear: what if his dreams were true? What if James _did_ rape her? What if she was carrying a child that resulted from a rape?

Knowing how she was brought up, he feared she would struggle with the thought of wanting to get an abortion. She would most definitely think that it was murder.

What if she was wallowing in the same guilt he had been? In that moment Edward swore to tell her everything.

**I want to thank everyone that has been rec'ing and reviewing! It means so much to me! Amcas Rec'd this on her blog – Whynotpattz – check it out. **

**I'd love to know what you all are thinking! I will post a teaser on the Twilighted thread, and if you can't get onto the thread and review and need a teaser please let me know, I will send it to you. **

**Don't forget to vote for this in the Shimmer Awards! Voting begins June 27th**


	11. Chapter 11

**SM owns, not me. **

**ScottishRose1028 beta'd this for me super fast! **

**Starla did some awesome pre reading for me, and she needs more support over on the thread on twilighted...**

Edward drove as fast as he could to find Bella. He wouldn't acknowledge how much he missed driving, or the technology behind the GPS that was leading him exactly to where he needed to go in order to find Bella.

When Edward finally pulled into Rolling Green Apartments it was dark, and his stomach was growling in protest for food. Being hungry Edward could handle. He could even handle being starving.

What he couldn't handle was the way that his stomach lurched at the thought of finding Bella, at finding out what was going on with her. The way it felt like it was lodged in his throat.

Edward glanced down at the apartment number one more time, 13A. Edward opened the car door, his knees weak as he steadied himself on the car door. He took a deep breath before closing the door and walking forward.

He glanced at the first door he saw, 7A. _Six doors up_, he told himself. Six more doors until Bella. With each step his legs wobbled more, his stomach tightened, and he began to sweat.

"_Will I see you again?" _Edward recalled the last thing he said to her.

"_I don't know," _Edward heard her voice clear as a bell.

_Why didn't I tell her I loved her?_ Edward chastised himself. She didn't speak the words to him either. Was it too painful for her or did she not mean them? With each step Edward became increasingly less assured in the relationship he had with her. He knew _he_ loved _her_. He thought she loved him, but his thoughts were becoming pessimistic.

_You made it this far,_ Edward reminded himself as he stood outside apartment 13A. He had been standing there for several minutes, frozen by all the ways he feared that Bella didn't feel as strongly for him.

Finally he let his finger hit the door bell. He pulled at his hair as he heard the locks on the door being turned.

A tall muscular man opened the door. "Can I help you?" he asked the stranger that stood before him.

Edward cleared his throat. "I was looking for Isabella Swan, I'm Edward Cullen," Edward said holding out his hand to shake it.

"She isn't home," Emmett told him. He didn't extend his hands to Edward's – he didn't like anything he had heard so far about this man.

"Honey, who is here?" Rose called out as she walked toward the door.

"Edward Cullen. He is looking for your sister," Emmett said as Rose came to his side at the door.

"She went out with friends for the night," Rose said looking Edward up and down.

"Listen, I don't mean to intrude, but I really need to talk to her," Edward said.

"I'm sorry, but Izzy doesn't want anything to do with you," Rose lied. She felt like she was protecting her sister and her unborn child.

Edward looked at her in confusion. "If you don't mind, I'd rather hear it from her," Edward told her.

"Edward, dude," Emmett said stepping forward. "She left for a reason. I don't know what type of twenty-one year old guy that wants to fuck around with barely sixteen-year-old girls, but it's over. She is out with people her own age, trying to make a new start for herself," Emmett told him. Emmett didn't trust Edward as far as he could throw him.

Edward wanted to argue, tell him Bella wasn't some average sixteen-year-old girl. However, he knew it was pointless. He knew how the world worked. He knew no matter what he said, he would still be viewed as some low life. People didn't accept excuses because that is all they were; reasons people do things that never seem to be good enough to justify the actions. There was no forgiveness among them.

"I'm not going to try and justify my relationship with Bella. I will fight for her...and I don't know why because I won't even fight for _myself_. I never told her this...but when I was eighteen...I had...everything. A loving family, a girlfriend I was head over heels for, and an acceptance letter to Dartmouth...and you know what I chose?" Edward laughed to himself. "I chose to join the Army. I chose to fight... I mean up until 9/11...there was nothing that united us as a country, really. People just blundered through life until they died, and we kill each other – which is clearly insane. But here's the thing...when it's something that matters..._we fight_. And Bella, she matters to me." Edward told them.

"Don't fight for her...please. I don't want my sister to suffer like your old girlfriend," Rose said, stabbing Edward through the chest.

"Neither do I," Edward told her. "And if she wants to tell me that she is afraid of me, she can."

Edward knew no matter what he said, they would never think he was good enough for her. He would go, because they would never let him stay. He turned to leave.

He slowly found his way back to his rental car and just sat there, unsure of what to do. Of what to think. His pessimistic thoughts ate away at every ounce of hope he had that Bella did love him.

Headlights flashed across his face as a car pulled in. Edward watched the car as it parked two rows in front of him. A teenage boy got out of the car and in a gesture that seemed to be lost with the times, he helped what one could only assume was his date out of the car.

Edward couldn't believe it. He wouldn't miss that girl anywhere. _Bella._ He watched as her hand lingered in his before she wrapped the coat around her.

He watched as the boy walked her to the front door. He remembered being a teenager, how uncomfortable and unsure you felt after a date. The only thought playing in your mind was whether or not a kiss would end the night.

His stomach churned as he watched him kiss her. It wasn't a long passionate kiss, it appeared short and sweet. The boy took his jacket back, and to Edward, it seemed he was smiling in victory as he walked away.

Edward's world came crashing down. His thoughts screamed at him, _"I told you so," "I knew she didn't love you!"_

She left. She wasn't hurting. She obviously wasn't raped. She was dating. Edward summed up his dreams as his own selfish way of making her need him because of how much he needed her. It made him feel better if she needed him, balanced things out. But that wasn't the case, as was made evident by Bella's date.

She was doing exactly what she said she wanted to do, being normal.

Edward put the key in the ignition and prepared to go back. He would move on and find the peace he had come searching for.

When Bella came in from her date neither Rose nor Emmett told her that Edward had come to find her. Bella couldn't wait to unbutton the god awful jeans she was wearing; she didn't even wait until she was in her room. She let out a sigh of relief as her small bump was let free.

She wasn't sure what part of her told her to go outside, but she was drawn to the door. She turned around and swung the door open. She looked to the right and left as her hand rested on her stomach. She didn't think she saw anything. She wasn't even sure what she was looking for, who she was looking for.

_Edward, _she thought to herself. She shook her head of the thought as she watched him unknowingly drive away. It was silly, she told herself. He wasn't going to come find her.

"Izzy, what are you doing?" Rose asked,

"I just thought I …" _felt someone_? She thought to herself. "I don't know," she shrugged not wanting to sound crazy.

"How was shopping?" Rose asked. "Did you get anything?"

"I actually hated it," Bella told her.

"I love shopping! Are you crazy?" Rose laughed.

"Rose, you are good at everything. You can fit in anywhere," Bella sighed annoyed with her perfect sister. "Me, I don't feel Amish and I don't feel English. I have no idea who I am or what I want," Bella complained.

"That is because you are unique. You don't follow, you lead," Rose told her. Because she was envious of how independent her sister had always been.

"Actually, I should stop lying to everyone, myself included. I have been sure of something...Edward," Bella said, releasing that information was like letting go of a bag of bricks.

"Oh, Izzy!" Rose said with a hint of compassion. She just didn't trust him not to hurt her sister. She wanted to protect her. She chalked it up to how young her sister was. "God has a plan...for you both," she told her sister with a hug.

"I am tired, Rose. I think I am going to head to bed," Bella said. "Good night Emmett," she waved.

"Night Bells," he smiled brightly at her. Being twenty-one himself, he would never even think about sleeping with a sixteen-year-old. He didn't feel one ounce of guilt for telling Edward to get lost tonight. He was happy she hadn't been home.

Bella didn't go to sleep. Instead she pulled out her sketch book and sketched _him_. She started with his eyes. It was almost as if he was looking at her. When she sketched his mouth, it was his smirk and he was smirking at her.

She zoned out as she drew more. Her thoughts swirling in her head about their child. Before she knew it, the picture in front of her was Edward swaddling an infant. The smirk was no longer directed at her, but at the child he held in his arms. His eyes were not sparkling at her, but at the infant.

She closed the book in frustration. She wanted that picture to be reality. She ached to see that come to life one day, but wondered if it ever would.

_Edward, I love you. Edward, I miss you. Edward, forgive me. _The thoughts invaded her. She wanted to shut them out, but they wouldn't relent.

Bella found herself wishing she knew more about what happened to him. With so little information about his past she wasn't sure she made the right choice. She remembered something Lauren had said earlier in the day, "Google it."

Bella had questioned her about that statement, and in doing so, learned that the internet held massive amounts of information. Rose and Emmett had a computer. Bella jumped out of her bed and made her way into the living room where the computer sat on a small desk against the wall.

Bella had limited experience with computers, but had gained more since being in school. She clicked on the icon that said 'Internet Explorer' and was pleased when she saw an icon for Goggle.

_Edward Cullen, _she typed with her index fingers. She clicked 'search' when she was done and waited for the results.

_Private Edward Cullen presumed dead; returns home from being held hostage._

_Cover Girl Model Emily Young hospitalized after domestic dispute with boyfriend._

Bella swallowed back all the information she was reading. Edward had been held hostage. His family had thought that he had died. There were no details about what he had gone through, and Bella couldn't even begin to imagine the things he had experienced. The government went to great lengths to keep the fact that Edward had killed a fellow solider for his freedom from the public.

Bella read the statements that had been released by his parents when they thought that he was dead, protecting our freedom. Soon the articles changed, becoming celebratory over the miracle that Edward had survived, he was alive and returning home. He was a local hero. There was a parade. She saw a few pictures of him, he was smiling. She knew him well enough to know that it didn't meet his eyes. _Why didn't anyone else notice he wasn't truly happy?_ Bella wondered.

Soon, everything blew up with Emily.

She clicked on the picture of Emily. She was flawless. Bella couldn't believe how beautiful she was. She scrolled down further, only to see the scars Edward had inflicted. The article made him out to be a monster. Bella knew that was not the man she fell in love with.

Bella searched and searched trying to find out details about the time he spent as a hostage. She came across horrible stories of other soldiers being beheaded, but there wasn't much about Edward's awful ordeal. She wondered if he had watched anyone die, if he had been beaten and how hungry he must have been. All of it was too much for her to handle.

She was beginning to see just how much hate could destroy people, how little she actually knew about it, and how it ate away at people.

_Home_, she thought. At home, there wasn't hate. Was it home? Could she ever go back now that she had made the choice to have this baby out of wedlock? Would they allow her to come home if she wanted or had she banished herself the moment she fell in love with the child she carried?

Edward returned the rental car, dejected. He didn't even care that he had five miles to walk back to Charles' house. He was in no rush. He walked sullenly down the quiet road, kicking rocks in frustration on his way.

Was she lying to him about her feelings? Just using him? Was he just something for her to attain? A challenge conquered to add to some list she had?

Edward wasn't sure if he was more heartbroken or angry. By the time Edward got back, it was time to start working. He didn't want Charles to cut him any slack, so he went right to work.

It was no surprise when Charles told Edward to go get some rest, and when Edward told him he was "fine." Charles didn't ask the details of what happened, all that he knew was that whatever had happened, his daughter didn't return with Edward and Edward didn't stay with her. He was sure that Edward's heart was broken – which he didn't think was such a bad thing. For if Edward could love enough to get hurt, he could find the forgiveness inside to forgive himself.

There wasn't much work to do since it was Sunday morning. Edward cleaned himself up and changed before he headed to the barn for service.

On his way to the barn he _saw_ her. Sarah. He saw her for what felt like the first time. She smiled at him, her blue eyes twinkling. A few strands of her blonde hair had fallen loose in her bun, curling slightly around her ivory face. Her cheek bones were high and round. She was breathtaking.

"Sarah," Edward said hello to her with a nod.

"You look exhausted," she noted taking in his appearance.

He shrugged the comment off as he made eye contact with Mary Alice. She looked at him sadly and he gave her a defeated smile that told her "I tried."

Sarah took Edward by his forearm and pulled him to the side of the barn so that they were out of sight from most of the community.

"Levi asked my father if he could marry me," she told him trying to gauge his reaction. "I don't have a reason not to agree," she explained, desperately wanting Edward to give her a reason to deny him.

"Is that what you want?" he asked her, her hand still wrapped around his arm.

"I don't know" she told him, her voice shaking. "I want to marry...but there is someone I have been falling in love with, I-I just don't know if he-he feels the same," she said stuttering a little in her attempt to tell Edward her feelings.

"You won't know unless you ask him," Edward told her. He could love her. He did love her. He couldn't ask for a better friend. She was always honest with him – something that in this moment he couldn't say about Bella.

"I'm trying to," she sighed, her eyes were downcast. She slowly let her hand slide into his as her eyes moved up to look in his. Edward intertwined his fingers with hers.

"Don't marry him," he whispered giving her the reason she longed for. He wasn't sure what was acceptable, but he did want to kiss her. He leaned down, and touched his lips to hers for a brief moment. "Give me a chance?" Edward asked.

Sarah nodded with a shy smile. "We had better go...the service is going to be starting soon."

"After you," Edward said, taking his hand from hers and motioning for her to go first. He wasn't sure if he would ever love her the way he loved Bella, but he knew he could love her easily. He needed to start the life he came here looking for.

They walked into the barn together; he went to sit on the side with the men as she separated to go sit with the woman.

Edward wasn't sure of much except that he wanted to be happy. He wanted to move on from the paralyzing fear that lived inside him, from the anger he couldn't suppress inside of him. The monster that scratched him from the inside, aching for him to just let it out and destroy everything, causing havoc and destruction to everything in its path as some sort of justice for the pain he suffered.

Edward knew that doing so would never make it right. That is why he was burying his feelings for Bella. Why he was allowing himself to love Sarah.

**Review Please! It really means a lot to me! I will post a teaser on the Twilighted forum – and if you don't go there and want one – let me know in your review I will send you the teaser! **

**So please give it to me- to Edward. Is he justified in moving forward? **


	12. Chapter 12

**SM owns not me. **

**Scottishrose1028 is my awesome beta! And HippieStar is my awesome prereader! Thannks so much girls! **

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Bella had built a fortress of lies. Inside its walls she felt safe. Through her fortress of lies she tried to run her life and unknowingly manipulate Edward. But her fortress needed higher walls, so she built them higher, more and more, everyday. They were justification for her lies. She felt like she was doing this to protect him, to keep him from feeling pain. Whatever worked to make her feel okay about the lies.

Despite her best efforts, it seemed her walls crumbled more and more each day. Would the base be strong enough to hold it together?

Her thoughts were invaded by him and he still showed up in her dreams. The pain of missing him was crippling her. She needed to know how he was and she fought with herself constantly over whether or not to go back.

If she went back, Edward would have to marry her right away so that they could stay. What if her father wouldn't allow it and forced them both to leave, thereby forcing Edward into the world he wasn't ready to live in?

Was he really as bad as he made himself out to be? Bella wasn't sure how to answer that question as she stared at the name and phone number for a Dr. Carlisle Cullen in Chicago, Illinois. Did his family think he was better off living Amish? Did they believe his PTSD was unmanageable while he remained surrounded by all the chaos in the English world? They had let him go. Perhaps they had let him go just because that was what he thought he needed, not necessarily because it was what he needed.

Emmett was at work and Rose had gone to the store. It wasn't often that Bella had time to herself, time enough to make a phone call that she didn't want an audience for.

Bella picked up the cordless phone and digit by digit her index finger pressed the numbers that would connect her to Edward's father.

The phone rang twice before it was answered abruptly, "Dr. Cullen's office can you please hold?"

Click.

Bella didn't even get a chance to say choke out her response. Her hand was shaking as she held the phone to her ear. She wasn't exactly sure what she was going to say, but she prayed that the Lord would give her the wisdom to say the right things.

"Thanks for holding, can I help you?" the frazzled woman asked.

"I would like to speak with Dr. Cullen, please," Bella said. Her voice was weak and shaky.

"He is in with patients right now, can I ask who is calling?" the woman sighed in annoyance.

"My name is Isabella Swan. And I was calling about his son, Edward," she explained.

"His son?" the secretary asked stunned. "One moment, I will get him," she told Bella, placing her on hold again before she had the chance to respond.

It wasn't even a minute before Carlisle picked up the phone. His stomach was in knots – he had only received one letter from his son since Edward had left. He feared that one day, a phone call would come to tell him that his son was dead or in jail.

"This is Dr. Cullen," he greeted the unknown caller. "You are calling about Edward? I-is he okay?" he asked nervously.

"Yes, sir," Bella said, trying to calm herself enough to stop shaking. "I'm Isabella, and Edward came to live with me in my home." Bella wasn't sure how to proceed. She grew more anxious as the words failed to exit her mouth. The questions she wanted to ask lingered in her throat. It was as if they hit a bump and couldn't make their way out. "Is he...I mean...okay?" Bella asked repeating the doctors question moments ago.

Bella heard him sigh into the phone, "It would be better to ask him that question."

Bella felt the sting of her tears swell up in her eyes and spill over. "I'm...I'm not sure how to ask him," She admitted with a sob.

"You care for my son," Carlisle stated it more then he asked it.

"Very much," Bella admitted.

"Has he done something to scare you or to make you question him?" Carlisle asked, genuinely scared that his son wasn't getting any better.

"He never hurt me and I was never afraid of him. It was obvious at times that he was afraid of himself. I don't know how lost he is. All I know is what I have read on the internet." Bella felt sneaky, like she went behind Edward's back.

"Edward should tell you his story," Carlisle told her, making her feel even worse. In essence telling her she shouldn't be fishing around for information.

"I left him. I don't know if it was right or wrong, because he wouldn't tell me anything. I'm expecting..." Bella's voice got weaker with each word. She pulled herself together. His father made no sound and she could hardly make out his breathing. "And, I um, I don't know. It's so complicated. I know he was so afraid of losing control and hurting me. I wasn't sure how he would respond, so I left. I tell myself everyday I left for him. To give him time, but everyday I doubt myself."

"I think he has a right to know, Bella, to be able to make that choice for himself. You shouldn't make that choice for him."

"I don't want to be Amish. If I stay with him there we will have to get married and I don't want to marry Amish. If he leaves, I fear the way he will act with all of the triggers, surrounded by all of the things he avoids by living simple. I want him to get better. I want him to learn to forgive himself."

"It seems to me you have a choice to make. Which one can you live with at the end of the day? Being Amish or taking a chance that Edward won't be the same with all the triggers and influences he has to deal with outside of the plain life?"

"You make me sound selfish," Bella breathed into the phone.

"Edward...he drank a lot. He was very distant and cold before he left. He could snap at the smallest detail. I knew he needed space to figure it out." Carlisle told Bella, avoiding having to actually say that he did believe she was being selfish. The lies were making her feel better, but not protecting his son.

"I should have told him. I should have let him make his choice. I just didn't want to take away the peace he was looking for. I didn't even see that I could have sacrificed being English to stay and be with him. Support him," Bella said choking on her stupidity.

_Three Days Later_

Was Edward telling himself a lie – and if he believed it to be true, how could it be a lie? He didn't discount his feelings for Bella or deny them, he buried them. He placed them in the back of his mind with countless other things he wished to keep hidden.

He was hurting and heartbroken over how little he believed she felt for him. Why should he sit around heartbroken when she had obviously moved on with her life?

It was so easy for her, effortless. She just left. She just started a new life. She didn't even seem to mourn losing Edward. The fight that was inside Edward was quickly extinguished when he saw her that night. There was nothing to fight for – not when the person didn't want you to fight for them anymore.

With Sarah it was simple; she cared for him and was falling in love with him. It made it effortless for Edward to return the feelings.

The Amish courtship made it even easier on Edward. Sarah, already being baptized, adhered to the strict rules of Amish dating. She would allow him to hold her hand, kiss her cheek, and peck her lips as long as they were in private. Those were the only changes to their relationship.

"My father, he is a bit upset that I turned down Levi's marriage proposal," Sarah told Edward as they walked hand in hand out of the school house. Edward came most days after the children were gone to see her.

"Are you?" he asked her.

"No," she smiled at him.

"Is he mad that you turned it down, or is he upset with the reason you turned it down?" Edward asked her, coming to a stop. He turned to face her as he held both of her hands.

"It isn't that he doesn't like you," she explained. "It's more that he doesn't understand you. He will feel much better about everything once you are baptized."

"Ah, the baptism," Edward said giving a gentle swing to their united hands. "Which – at the soonest – will be next September."

"Nine months," Sarah noted. "I like teaching at the school. I didn't want to give that up so soon anyway," she told him. "My mother has asked me to have you over for dinner in two days, would you come?"

"Yeah, of course." Edward smiled. "I would love to."

"Good," Sarah said returning his smile.

"In Chicago, it would be freezing right now. It's such a tame winter so far," Edward said.

"The weather here is fickle. One winter it snows like crazy, the next it doesn't even seem to get really cold but for a few days."

They began to walk again silently through the brisk winter air.

"Do you have family?" Sarah asked Edward trying to get to know him.

"Yes," Edward said, unsure if he actually wanted to discuss them with her.

"Are you close with them?" she pressed.

"I was," he sighed. He didn't want to make the same mistake he made with Bella. "When I was eighteen," he swallowed, keeping his eyes ahead of him, afraid to speak the words. "I joined the Army. I got sent to the Middle East to fight a war. My father was upset I chose to do that instead of follow in his footsteps."

"Your relationship was strained because of that?" Sarah asked, trying to understand.

"No, he got over it. He knew I wanted to make my own identity. Anyway, they got news that I was missing in action, most likely dead. I was a prisoner of war. I saw some really awful things, things I don't think you should ever have to hear about. I did things I am not proud of, things that...that I carry with me still. I have nightmares, and flashbacks, and I can lose myself. If you ever think that I am losing myself to a flashback, leave." He told her, stopping and begging her with his eyes to believe how serious he was about it.

She nodded at him.

"I left because I am not the same person anymore. I think my family misses me, I know I miss them. But I also know they want me to find peace again, and I feel like this is where I need to be to find it," Edward continued as they walked towards the buggy he had driven over.

"You may be changed, but you are still a good person. I can see it in you," Sarah said.

"I want to believe that," Edward said, helping her into the buggy.

He went to shut the half door to the buggy but Sarah reached out and placed her hand on his chest. She shook her head in disbelief. "Believe it, Edward," her voice strong and sure of the words they spoke to him.

Edward nodded at her. "Because I believe it," she added. Edward brought his forehead to hers, resting it there.

"Thank you," he whispered, letting the words sink in. Sarah moved her hand to Edward's sharp jaw letting her thumb stroke his face before she boldly touched her lips to his.

Edward kissed her back, part of him screaming in protest for Bella, while the other part piled more dirt to bury it deeper. He could hear something inside of him blaming him for losing her. What if he had just been as honest with Bella as he had been with Sarah? Then Bella would be the one making him feel better. In all honesty, Sarah may have known more, but Bella knew the depth of his problems. Something Edward wasn't sure he could ever show Sarah.

Edward heard the muffled scream inside his mind for Bella, before shoveling one last pile of dirt over the cries for Bella to be the one that was building him up right now.

But she wasn't. _She_ had left. _She_ had moved on. She couldn't have cared that much.

"I better get you home," Edward said, pulling away from Sarah with a sigh. He was disappointed. Had he never been with Bella, he would love Sarah, probably more than he ever loved Emily. But he did still love Bella.

He loved Sarah, just not nearly enough. Edward took Sarah home, going through the motions of being a complete gentleman. Pretending that his feelings for her were deep enough, good enough.

_When we cannot get what we love, we must love what is within our reach._ Right now, Sarah was within his reach and she was good to him. She was beautiful not only on the outside but on the inside.

Once Edward climbed in the buggy he could tell Sarah was unsure how to act after her bold kiss. She sat with her back straight and her hands folded in her lap as the buggy bounced up and down the road.

Edward didn't force the conversation and they rode in silence to her house. "You don't have to walk me up," she finally spoke to him.

"Okay, if you're sure," Edward said, his fingers running through his hair.

"I want to tell you something and you don't have to say anything back, okay?" Sarah said nervously.

"Okay," Edward said just as nervous.

"I love you," she spoke in one breath. "I know you probably aren't ready and that's fine. I just wanted you to know."

Edward shook his head – he was nowhere near ready to tell her that.

"See you tomorrow after school?" she asked, not wanting to make him feel obligated to respond to her. She didn't love him to be loved back – she loved him because she _could_. She understood that it wasn't as easy for him to return those feelings right now.

"Yeah," Edward smiled at her as she carefully exited the buggy. Once he saw that she was safely inside he began to take the short drive a few houses down to the place that was feeling more like home everyday.

As Edward walked toward the porch, Charles sat rocking in the chair and fidgeting with an envelope in his hands. Edward walked up the porch steps two at a time and Charles extended the envelope toward him. "This came for you today."

"Thanks," Edward said, expecting a letter from his parents. His stomach lurched into his throat as he recognized the handwriting of Bella.

He didn't even wait to open it in private, but just ripped it open. If she was saying goodbye it would tear his heart out but at least he could have closure and would be able to move on.

He did have a glimmer of hope that she was telling him she was coming back. What that would mean for Sarah, he wasn't entirely sure.

_Edward,_

_I need to see you. I made a huge mistake. Please come and meet me on Friday. There is so much I need to tell you. So much I need to explain. So much that I need you to forgive me for._

_I am going to stay at the hotel on Route 30 on Friday and wait for you. Whenever you can get there, please just get there._

_I love you._

_Bella_

Edward read the words over and over, his stomach still in knots. He had no idea what to think. She wanted forgiveness? Was that good? Did that mean she wanted to come back? Edward was exhausted from all the questions, all the uncertainty of his life. She loved him still.

Edward was stunned at those words. He had just seen her kiss someone else, but maybe that was what it took for her to come back.

Friday...tomorrow. He had just promised Sarah that he would meet her after school. He wasn't sure how he was going to explain to her that he couldn't make it. He didn't want to lie to her; however he also didn't want to have to hurt her.

"Isabella?" Charles asked, as Edward's mind raced with a million questions.

"Yes, sir," Edward answered, still staring at the letter.

"Is she okay?" Charles asked. He wanted to know his daughter was okay. She still had the option to come back.

"She didn't say," Edward told him finally tearing his eyes from the letter to look into Charles' worried eyes.

Edward then began to worry himself. _Why didn't she say that she was okay?_ Edward's eyes filled with the same fear as Charles'.

"I...ah…I'll let you know tomorrow after I see her," Edward assured him. He wasn't going to hide things from Charles anymore. Edward knew that Charles wouldn't try to seek Bella out but instead he would wait patiently for his daughter to return home on her own terms.

"Thanks, son," Charles said as he started rocking in the chair again.

"_Please don't leave me," Sarah cried. "I need you." Her hands reached for Edward as he held her wrists to keep her from latching onto him._

"_I have to go," he told her kindly. "You will be fine." _

"_No! No! Please just stay with me!" She begged again._

_Edward was being pulled in two different directions and the pull from Bella was stronger than the pleas and cries from Sarah. He felt like a monster to leave her so upset like this._

"_I'm scared," she whispered._

_Edward held her close. "I'm sorry," he said smoothing her hair, his hand against her back. He felt warm liquid seep through his fingers. He lifted his hand took look at his fingers and palm covered in red liquid that seeped into all the cracks and fingerprints on his hand._

_She collapsed in his arms. "I need you," she choked out, blood dripping from her mouth._

"_It's gonna be okay," he told her bringing her limp body to the ground. "HELP!" he yelled out. He took off his shirt and held it against her back. His eyes searched all around. Nothing. No one. __Emptiness._

"_Someone! Please! We need Help!" he yelled again._

_Bella walked forward. She walked casually over to Sarah's body in a pool of blood and crouched down on her knees and looked at Edward._

"_We need you more," she told him, lifting Edward's hand from the pressure he applied to Sarah's wound. "Come with us?" she asked extending her hand to him._

_Edward looked down at Sarah. "I have to go," he told her, taking Bella's hand as he stood slowly and stepped over Sarah's dying body._

**Please Review! Teaser will be posted on the thread – and if you need one please let me know in your review and I will send it. Are you excited for Eclipse! OMFG! I go tonight to see it! **


	13. Chapter 13

**SM Owns twilight and the characters. Not me. I just like to play with them. **

**ScottishRose1028 did the beta'ing for this fresh off her vacation! Thanks soo much BB! Means a lot to me. **

**So this is when it gets...rough. I don't know if one can be adequately warned for the next few chapters contain. I hope I do it right. And if I say anymore – it's a major spoiler. If you don't figure out what happens – google the name of the town in the last sentence - see if you can handle it.**

"_And right before I'm about to drown  
She resuscitates me"_

Eminem

On Friday, Bella paced the small motel room as she waited for Edward. She didn't think there would be a reason for him not to come. She expected him to come. She wasn't aware that he came looking for her several weeks ago and was heartbroken over everything he thought was going on. Or that he questioned her feelings for him. She certainly didn't know that he had begun courting Sarah.

She pulled on a hooded sweatshirt she had stolen from Emmett. It covered her still-small stomach. She didn't want to keep the pregnancy from Edward, but she didn't want him to be shocked at the sight of it either.

She imagined him coming in and kissing her immediately, unable to control the need for each other. She imagined him hugging her so tight, telling her how much he missed her.

Edward walked into the schoolhouse that morning to let Sarah know not to wait for him after school. He opened the door slowly with a small knock. Sarah stood at the blackboard writing down some assignments when she turned to see Edward at the door. She blushed at him with a smile putting the chalk down and wiping her hands off on her apron. "I didn't mean to interrupt; can I speak to you for a minute?" Edward asked her.

"Lucy," Sarah said looking at one of the older girls in the room, "Can you please read aloud the first few pages while I step out?"

The young girl nodded in agreement as she stood to read to the class, the younger kids in the classroom making "woo" noises at Sarah and Edward as they stepped outside.

"I have to do something today...I don't know that I will be able to make it back after school," Edward told her. She was clearly disappointed.

"Oh, well...what do you have to do? Maybe I could help," she offered not wanting to miss a moment with him.

"It's not something you can help me with," he told her. He wasn't sure he wanted to upset her with Bella's return. It may not change anything. She could be here to say goodbye. "I can't really get into all the details right now."

"I understand," Sarah easily accepted. She wasn't use to probing for answers. She was raised to accept what she was told. "Will you still be over for dinner?" she asked him.

"Of course," Edward told her. He wasn't sure if he was about to break her heart, but he would do everything he could to keep her from being hurt.

He smiled at her, and placed a kiss on her cheek. Unsure...of everything.

Bella heard the hesitant knock on her door. She peeked out the window to see him standing outside nervously running his fingers through his hair, wearing his English clothes. _This could be good_, she thought. _He may be ready to leave now_. Bella tried to steady herself, taking a deep breath she went to the door.

Her hand was shaky as she moved it to the knob and pulled it open in one swift movement. "Edward," she whispered in relief.

Edward could feel his anger toward her boiling inside him. He resented everything – the way she left, the way she moved on, mostly he resented how easily he came to her today. "Isabella," he said unable to look her in the eyes.

Her heart dropped. There was no smile, no tearful hello – he had no need to hug her. She had never imagined such a cold reception.

"Uh...come in," she said stepping to the side, her eyes looking at the ground as she tried to hide the fact that she was on the verge of tears over his icy demeanor.

He walked past her and when his back was turned Bella wiped the tears and took a deep breath. She turned to him slowly, her hands buried in the front pocket of the sweatshirt.

"So, what's going on?" Edward asked aching to let go of his resentment, but still being distant. He didn't want to walk out even more heartbroken. He didn't want to get his hopes up. Hope for the best and expect the worst.

"I screwed up," Bella began. "Like _really_ screwed up," she began to walk forward, moving closer to Edward.

"Listen, I know you moved on. I know you started seeing someone else. You don't really owe me an explanation, okay?" Edward said, wanting to get out of there.

"What?" Bella balked. "What are you talking about?"

"I went to find you Bella, your sister and her husband made it perfectly clear that I wasn't welcome. I wanted to hear it from you...so I waited. And you came home with some guy and I saw you kiss him. You left, and now you're here to tell me you're not coming back," Edward said, walking closer to the door. He was itching to make his exit.

"You came to find me?" Bella asked. She couldn't focus on her anger towards her family at the moment. Edward believed she didn't care for him. That she didn't love him. She had to fix it. She never forgot the one kiss she had since being away with Mike. "I went out that day...with some new friends from school...Mike is just a friend. I didn't kiss him back! I haven't been able to think of anyone but you!" Bella said walking closer to him.

"Bella...I moved on," Edward told her with regret. "With Sarah."

Bella stopped walking towards him. "That changes things," she whispered.

"I thought you didn't care! I thought you were happy being a normal sixteen-year-old going out on dates," Edward told her.

"How could you believe I didn't care?" Bella asked him.

"Because I don't, Bella. It's easy to believe no one could care for you when you feel like such a horrible person." Edward explained.

"You're not horrible Edward. I read about what happened to you," Bella admitted.

Edward was no stranger to the stories that had been written about his tragic past. But the part about murder wasn't a part of those stories. The Army had covered that up.

"Bella, that isn't even half of the story, okay?" Edward told her. "Why are you here, Bella?" Edward got to the point. He wasn't about to relive the murder.

"Because I was selfish. Because I lied to you. Because you deserve to know the truth," Bella said, sitting down at the head of the bed. She patted the spot next to her "You should sit down," she told Edward. He slowly walked away from the door and sat down at the foot of the bed.

Bella could feel tears pricking at her eyes; she had not been prepared for a distant Edward. For Edward to announce he was courting Sarah. For the first time, Bella was scared he wouldn't be in her future. He would tell her to get lost and live happily ever after with Sarah.

"I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting you. I didn't want to force you into a choice," she began by trying to defend her actions.

"Protect me?" Edward asked in confusion.

"I knew there was a good reason you came to my father. That you needed help and guidance, and I didn't want you to be forced to make a choice you weren't ready to make," Bella tried to explain.

"Why would I be forced to make a choice?" Edward asked.

"Because Edward...I'm pregnant," Bella said letting the tears fall from her eyes.

Edward was too shocked to speak. "I didn't want to force you into marrying me in order to stay. I mean what if you got better and didn't want to stay Amish? And I didn't want to make you leave and not get the help that you needed. I just wanted you to get better. I didn't want you to be afraid of hurting us," Bella told him quickly. "I know now how selfish I was. I can't control your choices. I shouldn't have ever tried to. I am so sorry." She sobbed.

"Pregnant?" Edward questioned – not really Bella, more like the world. "How could you do this to me?" he asked standing up. He could feel the anger inside of him rising.

"I'm sorry!" she said getting up, her tears staining her cheeks.

"What do you want me to do?" he yelled at her, his own tears about to spill over. He loved her. He would marry her, but in this moment the hate, anger and resentment he felt about everything overshadowed all of that.

"I can't come back unless I marry," Bella told him, letting him know that she was willing to go back for him.

"Then I guess you aren't going back," Edward spat in anger. "What's the point of telling me now?"

"I don't know," Bella whispered. "To give you the choice. To let you know you're going to be a father."

"I think you're doing it to make yourself feel better," Edward concluded. He was pissed. How could he forgive her for keeping this from him?

"Fine, you don't want us! You've made your choice! Let me tell you how much better I feel!" Bella screamed at him.

"What do you want me to do Bella? You've made the choice for me! There are consequences for that!" Edward yelled back. "Do you want me to take you back to your father's, ask him to marry us and watch you hate me everyday of your life because you wanted more? Just leave Sarah, who hasn't lied to me? She doesn't deserve to be hurt! I don't want to hurt her! Or hey, let me bring you back to my home – my family will be so happy to welcome the sixteen-year-old girl I knocked up while I struggled to fight against the flashbacks, nightmares, and angry outbursts!" Edward yelled, picking up a vase of flowers and hurling them against the motel door.

Bella flinched, she was scared. She guarded her stomach and walked backward until she hit the wall.

Edward didn't seem like he cared about this outburst. Or even felt regret for it.

"Exactly Edward! It's not easy! Don't you think I haven't thought of those things? Don't you think those are some of the exact reasons I left?" Bella asked trying not to show her fear.

Edward could see how afraid she was. He didn't want to scare her. He didn't want to hurt her. He only wanted to understand how to overcome the hurt and pain he felt.

"I'm sorry," Edward said stepping towards Bella. He could see her shaking. He held his hand out for her.

"Don't touch me," Bella hissed.

"I'm not going to hurt you Bella...or our baby," he said shutting his eyes. He could see the baby from his dreams, more tears escaped when he said out loud _'our baby.'_

He began to go over in his head that half of the reason he was mad at her was a complete misunderstanding.

"I think you should leave now," Bella told him through clenched teeth. She didn't want to ask him to go but for the first time she realized how breakable Edward was. She wasn't as confident in her ability to calm him. She was afraid for her baby. It wasn't just about her self preservation, it was about her childs as well.

It was so hard to get those words out of her mouth. She saw the tears staining his cheeks over his outburst, but she had to put her child's safety above her need to comfort him.

"I'm sorry," Edward said defeated. He was already halfway out of the door when he had lost his temper, convinced more than ever that he was never going to be normal again. He would never be the type of man Bella needed – or wanted for that matter. He would always be broken, afraid of hurting everyone he loved in a blinding rage of anger. He was a volcano just waiting to erupt.

"EDWARD!" Bella called out in desperation to keep him in her sight against her better judgment. As much as she was afraid she knew the look in his eyes. She could see how much he hated himself for how he had acted. She hated to see him beat himself up. He needed her to believe in him, _someone_ had to believe in him.

She would do anything, be anyone for him. She had never been surer of anything.

A few miles up the road, Sarah taught her class, finding it harder to focus since she had begun to fall in love with Edward. She loved the way her stomach fluttered every time he smiled at her. She hadn't been sure that she would ever find love, until she met Edward.

She knew it would take more time for him to fall in love with her the way she loved him. She was more then willing to wait for him.

She had always been so shy. She didn't find ease in talking to most people. She envied the way some people could easily start conversations with people they hardly knew. It was a skill she wished she had mastered better.

So the first time she talked to Edward Cullen, she couldn't believe how the words flowed out of her mouth. He made her feel strong; like she could conquer anything. She could be articulate. She could make someone she barely knew smile, and the first time she made him laugh she had wanted to jump with joy.

"Miss Sarah?" Rebekah Black tried to get her attention. Sarah didn't even notice the child's voice was meek and laced with fear.

"Yes, Rebekah?" Sarah responded trying not to show how lost she was in her thoughts about Edward. The smile on her face was heard through her voice. She turned around slowly to face the class, since she had just written the assignment for the day on the blackboard.

What she saw in front of her caused the color to drain from her face, "Is there something you need?" she asked trying not to let her voice shake with fear.

"I'll do whatever you want, Edward. I'll be whoever you want. If you want me to stay and put back on that bonnet, I will! If you just want me to leave and let you be, I will! If you just want to be a part of her life, whatever you want. It's your choice, okay? I believe in you," Bella assured him, trying not to sound frantic. "If you want to stay with Sarah...I understand."

"_Her_ life?" Edward said; the reality of becoming a father had hardly set in, let alone becoming the father of a daughter.

"Yes, _her_," Bella said. She had finally given in and gotten the ultrasound revealing the little girl growing inside her.

"I don't know, Bella. I don't know what to do." Edward told her, trying not to fall to pieces in front of her. The choices seemed so limited. Which consequences could he live with at the end of the day? He still refused to ask her to stay in a life she wanted nothing to do with. He still wasn't sure he was worthy of her.

Bella walked towards him, "Whatever you want, Edward."

"I need time," Edward told her.

Bella wasn't sure she could hide her disappointment that he didn't know instantly that no matter what, he had to be with her.

"Of course," Bella said with a tense smile trying to play it off.

"It's not that I don't know what I want, Bella...I just don't know how to make it possible right now," he told her pleading with his eyes for her to trust him. "I need time to think about everything."

"Edward...if you need to stay there, I will stay with you," she told him walking even closer to him.

"I can't ask you to live a life you don't want," he shook his head in disapproval. Sacrificing her happiness for his was not an option in his opinion.

"You can't stop me from coming home, Edward." Bella pointed out to him. "I want you. If we are together the rest is just a setting, just a background. It doesn't matter, _nothing_ matters without you."

Edward wasn't sure how to respond to what Bella had just admitted. "You're sixteen-years-old, Bella. You can't know that."

"How can you say that to me? I know what _I_ want, Edward. Do you?" Bella questioned.

"If you come back, you have to marry me. Are you ready for that?" Edward shot back at her to avoid the question he had no clue how to answer. He knew he wanted her, but life wasn't always about what you _wanted_. It was about what you _needed_ to do, and if you were lucky you got to do a few things you wanted. Life wasn't easy, or fair, and the road was bumpy.

To hear Edward question whether or not she was ready to marry him felt insulting. She'd just stood in front of him, poured her heart out and had told him she would be whatever he needed her to be. "I just told you I was," she said trying to hide the venom in her voice.

That's when it dawned on her – maybe it was him that wasn't ready. He didn't answer her question. "Unless...you don't...want me..." she choked out slowly.

"Bella," Edward said carefully before swallowing the uneasy feeling that settled in his stomach. It felt like there was a knot in his throat. "I never said that," he told her. "I said I needed time; please do not confuse the two."

"Then I can come home, and we can explain this to my father...and we can make this right, or you can just...leave. I'll follow you," she told him.

"Bella, I don't know _what_ the best thing is right now. All I know is, what we want may not be what is best – or what we need." Edward tried to explain. "I don't know that marrying you and forcing you to live Amish is best. I don't know if me leaving to be with you is the right thing either. Please...give me time to see what choice I can live with at the end of the day?" he pleaded with her to understand. He didn't need time to think about his intentions to be with her; he needed to fight the demons that were pulling him to pieces.

"Shouldn't we make this choice together?" Bella asked. "Why do you get to choose?"

"We do Bella," Edward told her walking closer to her. He reached out his arm for her, inviting her to be wrapped inside. "We do," he whispered against her head, happy to have her back in his arms.

Police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks sounded their sirens as they sped down the country road, along the barren winter fields. Edward held Bella in his arms happily as he tried to block out the sounds that were not heard very often in the country setting of Lancaster.

Edward and Bella knew their lives would never be the same again. What they didn't know was that

Nickle Mines would never be the same again either.

**Reviews are ALWAYS wonderful! I love to hear what you all think! And I will send teasers to everyone that reviews – if you ask for it in the review! PLEASE tell me what you think! If I am nuts! **


	14. Chapter 14

**SM Owns not me. **

**ScottishRose1028 is my awesome Beta and Starla pre-read this for me. It was really hard to write, and I know my chapters are normally on the shorter side – but this ones even shorter. Sorry. **

**SOOOO it's here. And it's upsetting. Proceed with caution. **

But I think I'm still tryin' ta figure this crap out  
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't  
This fucking black cloud still follows me around  
But it's time to exercise these demons

-Eminem

James looked back at Sarah with a menacing look as he held the gun in his hands. "I want all the girls to line up, there by the blackboard," he said pointing with his gun. "I have some things in my truck." He turned to the boys left standing in the classroom, "Go get them, or I shoot someone."

The boys scurried outside and began bringing in lumber, nails, hard white plastic ties, chains, and a shotgun. After the boys had fulfilled their duty, he told them to leave.

"What do you want from us?" Sarah asked with a shaky voice. She tried to comfort the girls in the class. Death wasn't the end. It was just the beginning.

James didn't bother to acknowledge her as he nailed the wood to the inside of the door. He had left a note for his family.

Edward and Bella couldn't deny the chaos that swirled around outside the motel room they were in. They walked outside and stood on the pavement with other people who had departed from the comforts of their room to see what was going on.

"Did something happen?" Edward asked the man who was watching the police cars zoom by. The man's face was pale and awestruck.

"Someone said there is a shooter at the Amish schoolhouse up the road," he said in disbelief.

"WHAT?" Bella said instantly sick to her stomach over the thought.

"Sarah," Edward breathed. His stomach lurched at the thought. "I have to go," he said.

"I'm coming," Bella said pulling the motel door shut.

"Bella, please don't. You shouldn't be near that," Edward told her not wanting her to witness the things he had.

"That is my family, Edward. You can't keep me away! If anyone shouldn't go – it's you!" Bella said, thinking about his PTSD.

"You're Amish?" the man asked Bella.

"Yes," Bella said. Because she _was._As much as she fought it, she _was_ Amish.

"Do you need a lift?" he asked both Edward and Bella. He was planning on going anyway to see for himself.

Edward groaned at Bella's stubbornness, but all three of them were quickly on their way to his pick up truck.

In a matter of minutes they were at the top of the long driveway leading to the school. Bella saw so many familiar faces as she rushed out of the car.

Police had set up a perimeter around the school, and were using a bullhorn to try and talk to the man that held eleven school-aged girls, one school teacher, and one pregnant women hostage. He didn't respond to them.

The police asked him to release the pregnant woman. No response.

One of the young girls. Nothing.

This killer wasn't interested in deals. There was nothing he wanted that the police could provide for him. Not one thing.

Bella ran quickly to the side of her mother and father. "Bella?" they asked in tears. Bella just nodded as she hugged them both. No matter what reason she was here right now, it wasn't important.

Edward stumbled out of the car in his attempt to keep up with Bella, but when he saw that she was safe with her mother and father he continued onto the perimeter of police officers. "What the hell is going on?" he asked out of breath.

"Sir, we need you to go back," the officer said sternly dismissing Edward.

"I want to help. I need to help. Please – I served in the medical corps with the army. I can help," Edward told the officer. The officer looked him up and down.

"If we need you, we will use you. Stay close. I pray to God it doesn't get that far," the officer said.

Edward nodded his head. He wanted to do something. Anything! Not just stand there and hope they didn't need him. He saw so much death in the war. Road side bombs. Arms and legs detached. Executions. He shuddered at the reminder of the death he directly caused. The thoughts invaded him and he couldn't stop the images from attacking him.

It started out as flashbacks, images he saw firsthand. The more he thought about what was going on inside that schoolhouse the more the images changed to ones he never wanted to see. He paced back and forth behind the line, his hands in angry fists as he pulled on his hair. He hated to be stuck waiting.

He had waited long enough for other people to make choices that affected his future, his existence. He ran away because of it. And what the hell had happened? James. James made a choice that would never leave Edward. Never leave the Amish community.

Did Edward agree with Bella for running away? No. But he did understand. How could he be mad at her about it, he had done the same thing by coming here to escape. It didn't matter. Bad things still happened. Hate still existed. Even in the least likely of places.

"Edward?" Bella said reaching an unsteady hand onto his raised elbow. He jumped at the contact.

He turned to look at her. Her eyes were red and swollen; her cheeks were wet from the tears.

"Mary Alice...she is in there," Bella choked out. Edward looked over Bella's shoulder and saw Jasper – he was like a man burning at the stake.

Edward reached out and pulled Bella close to him in a tight hug. "And Rebekah Black...and all the children I...I worked with," Bella sobbed.

Edward didn't have a choice. He felt helpless, but he could offer Bella this one thing. He smoothed her hair as he tried to soothe her.

At 11:07 that morning, Bella jumped in Edward's arms as the first gunshot rang out. She covered her ears in fear. The scream that left her lips didn't sound like her own. Bella wasn't sure which was worse, the gunshots or the screams.

Edward closed his eyes, a single tear running down his cheek. It was over. They would need all the help they could get. The gunshots didn't stop. The screaming didn't stop. Not for three minutes. Then, for a split-second, there was silence. It felt like eternity. It took the police one hundred and fifty seconds to break down the door to the schoolhouse.

Edward let go of Bella and released her into the waiting arms of her father. "I have to go help," he told her as he bolted toward the schoolhouse doors.

Bella screamed for Edward to come back but he was already gone. She looked around her at the pandemonium. It was sheer horror. Her eyes were wide with fear and uncertainty. Her stomach felt like it needed to be emptied over the thought of all those innocent lives lost. Forever changed.

"A mass casualty on White Oak Road, Bart Township, with multiple children shot." Bella heard police say over the radio.

James knew he didn't have much of a choice. He came there to kill and that was what he intended to do. He looked at Mary Alice as she held onto a young girl. "Go back there," he told her.

"It's okay...it's gonna be okay," she said kissing the young girl's head. She scurried to the corner he instructed her to go to, not sure if she would live or die. She was reserved with the fact that she would die. She wasn't scared of what was waiting for her on the other side, only what she would leave behind.

She sat in the corner.

"NO!" Sarah said. "Kill me. Shoot me! Not them!"

Alice wished she had the courage to do what Sarah just offered. To sacrifice herself in the hopes of saving another life. But she couldn't do that to her unborn child. She let out a sob.

"If that's the way you want it," James said cocking his head in her direction.

"I forgive you," Sarah whispered before the shot fired violently from his gun. The room erupted in screams.

Mary Alice covered her ears as the gunshots went off, one by one.

James went down the line. He turned to Alice. His face looked weary. It was as if whatever had caused him to snap like this had worn him out to the point of physical change. She took in a breath as she prepared herself to die.

"One bullet left," he mused kneeling in front of her. "I'm sorry you have to live with this memory. It seems a bit cruel. But I can't put us both out of our misery...and well...you'll survive. I won't," he said, standing up.

He put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.

Edward ran into the school, his eyes darted all over as he went into full Army mode. Not many of the bodies were moving. There was one huddled in the corner shaking: Mary Alice.

"Alice, are you okay?" he asked kneeling down. She shook her head no. "Are you hurt?" he clarified trying to see if she was physically hurt. She shook her head no again.

He couldn't stay there with her. He had to get to some of the people that needed medical help.

There was blood, everywhere. Splatters on every desk, every chair, and every surface covered. He spotted Sarah and ran over to her, blood pooled around her head, her blonde hair matted down with red. He felt her neck for a pulse...nothing.

He stepped over her when he saw Rebekah Black weakly cough up some blood. Out of the thirteen inside, it looked like maybe six had survived.

Helicopters landed in the open space by the schoolyard as EMTs worked on keeping the girls alive. Edward was covered in blood. His hands, his shirt, his jeans from kneeling down in the puddles, even his face from when he'd wiped his brow.

"EDWARD! Where is Alice?" Jasper called out frantically, as Edward helped get the last girl on a stretcher headed for the helicopter.

Edward looked around; no one had gone back in for her. The last place Edward wanted to go was back into that one room schoolhouse full of death. Edward had thought he had lived through the most horrific part of his life, he was wrong. Nothing could compare to the tragedy before him. Innocent children...just gone. He couldn't even think of them being dead or murdered. It felt wrong.

He swallowed down the fear as he went back into the room. Alice was still huddled in the corner, crying softly as she rocked her body. "Mary Alice?" Edward said calmly. He didn't want to startle her anymore. "Jasper is waiting for you, let's get out of here."

Alice looked up at him with wide eyes. "I don't understand..._why_..." she sobbed as Edward lifted her into his arms.

"I don't know either," he told as he carried her out. Jasper ran to them. Alice collapsed in his arms and began to sob uncontrollably.

"Thank God! Thank God, you are okay!" Jasper cried into Alice's hair.

Edward's eyes met Bella's who looked relieved to have her best friend unharmed. "Sarah?" Bella mouthed to Edward.

He shook his head. Anyone left inside that school was gone.

One by one, bodies inside black bags were somberly carried out. Edward walked sadly over to where Bella stood crying in her father's arms.

Not a word was spoken – there weren't any words to say. Bella moved out of her father's embrace towards Edward and collapsed into his arms.

He held her close as he tried to keep his face indifferent.

"Edward, are you okay? I can't believe this! Edward! Talk to me!" Bella urged him. His stoic demeanor was making her uneasy. She wanted him to react. Anything was better than silence. Crying. Screaming. Sobbing. Yelling. "Say _something_! Do something! _Anything_! Please Edward!"

"She's gone," he barely whispered. "Dead."

Edward was so sick of death. He had seen enough to last him three lifetimes.

Bella didn't know what to say. Did she say she was sorry for his loss? Wasn't it just as much her loss? Bella had gotten to know Sarah well before she had run away. "I know," she said simply.

"I don't want to be here." Everything around him was spinning. It was chaos and he couldn't control any of it. He needed to be in some sort of control. He couldn't focus. He could smell the death; feel the pain that lingered thickly in the air.

Gunshots. He heard them firing inside his mind. Then she spoke, stopping yet another flashback.

"Then let's go," Bella said, leading him away by his hand. She noticed her father comforting families that had gathered, and didn't find it to be the right time to talk to him right now anyway. They walked the short distance back to her old home, Edward's new home. It was empty.

"Everything is so still here...peaceful," Edward said, when they walked in. Bella nodded. She pulled him up the wooden steps and pushed open the door to his room.

It no longer was her sister's; most traces of Rose were gone. She could even smell Edward's scent. She sat him down on the bed, and left to get some water and a wash cloth to clean off the blood.

When she came back with the bowl of warm water she carefully wrung out the washcloth and wiped his face clean. She rinsed the cloth off in the bowl, the water turning a light pink. She looked back up at him and watched a tear travel down his cheek. She brushed it away with her thumb before she helped him pull his bloody t-shirt off. She continued to clean off his arms, the water getting darker each time she rinsed off the cloth.

She noticed a gash on the top part of his hand. "What happened?" Bella asked cleaning it out. It looked deep enough to need stitches. "Why didn't you have someone look at it?"

"There was much more to worry about than my hand," Edward said pulling it out of Bella's grip.

"You should have it looked at, Edward," she told him quietly.

"He tied all their hands up behind their backs...with like those hard plastic ties..." Edward cringed at the memory. "I was trying to cut it off Rebekah's wrist and sliced myself," Edward told her as he studied the gash.

Bella pulled his head into her chest as hugged him closely. He wrapped his arms around her waist and sobbed into her stomach as she stroked his hair, silently letting her own tears fall.

**Reviews are always appreciated. And Teasers for those that want them will be sent out – unless you are not logged in – then I can't respond to the review. **

**So this was really sad when it happened. I worked for a funeral home call center that handled arrangements for the shooter and 3 of the girls that were killed. **

**So, I wanted to just take a minute and recognize the girls killed and injured. All info is from Wikipedia. **

**Fatalities**

Naomi Rose Ebersol, aged 7, died at the scene October 2, 2006.

Marian Stoltzfus Fisher, aged 13, died at the scene October 2, 2006.

Anna Mae Stoltzfus, aged 12, was declared dead on arrival at Lancaster General Hospital, Lancaster, Pennsylvania October 2, 2006.

Lena Zook Miller, aged 8, died at Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center in Hershey, Pennsylvania on October 3, 2006.

Mary Liz Miller, aged 7, died at Christiana Hospital in Newark, Delaware on October 3, 2006.

**Injured**

All of the surviving Amish schoolgirls were hospitalized.

Rosanna King, 6 years old, was removed from life support at Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center and sent home at the request of her family on October 4, 2006. Some reports claim the child showed signs of recovery and was sent back to the hospital. Her condition improved, though she is still greatly impaired from the shooting and remains at home.

Rachel Ann Stoltzfus, 8 years old

Barbie Fisher, 10 years old

Sarah Ann Stoltzfus, 12 years old

Esther King, 13 years old

The girls wounded in the shooting made measurable progress in the year after the shooting. Sara Ann Stoltzfus did not have full vision in her left eye but was back at school — she was not expected to survive. Barbie Fisher was pitching in school softball but had undergone another shoulder operation in hopes of strengthening her right arm. Rachel Ann Stoltzfus returned to school in the months after the shooting. Esther King returned to school in the months after shooting, graduated and was working on the family farm. youngest victim, Rosanna King, wasn't expected to survive and was sent home to die there. She had serious brain injuries and does not walk or talk as of December 2009. Rosanna is confined to a wheelchair, but is said to recognize family members and frequently smiles


	15. Chapter 15

**SM Owns not me. **

**ScottishRose1028 is my awesome beta! Super speedy beta skillz! LOL! **

**And HippieStar is my awesome pre-reader and I love her feedback as always. **

**Umm...Kellan Lutz bought me a drink sunday night in Atlantic City just thought I'd tell the world! HAHA! **

**Song for this chapter is Collide by Howie Day**

_The dawn is breaking  
A light shining through  
You're barely waking  
And I'm tangled up in you  
Yeah_

Edward and Bella lay in the bed in her motel room. The events of the day before replayed in Edward's mind, not allowing him to find any rest. No peace. The only comfort he found was in the arms of a girl...who was just as broken as he was.

After Bella had taken the time to clean him up and had let him cry until there were no tears left to wet her shirt, she asked him what he wanted to do.

"I don't want to be here," he whispered. She tried to be strong and hide the fact that she was falling apart inside as she packed his bag.

She was upset at the thought of her father coming home to an empty house, but she couldn't deny Edward anything after what he had been put through.

When they got back to the motel, Bella helped Edward into the bed. She climbed in with him and they held each other. The sun set, the night got black, and they spoke very little.

"Get some rest Bella, it can't be good for the baby," he told her.

"I'm trying," she lied. She had no intention of falling asleep until she knew he was asleep.

It wasn't until the sun began to rise that Edward finally drifted off to sleep.

They couldn't hide in that motel room forever, but they would try. Bella finally drifted off to sleep, but it only seemed like she was asleep for a few minutes before Edward startled awake from a nightmare.

His brow was covered in sweat and his breathing was labored. "Edward? Are you okay?" Bella asked alarmed.

He nodded yes even though all he wanted to do was tell her that was a stupid question; of course he was not okay.

"Nightmare?" Bella asked, rubbing his back.

Edward shook his head no. "I don't have nightmares, Bella. Sure, they are terrifying...but it's all real." Edward told her. He even remembered the dreams he'd been having the past few weeks that Bella was gone.

Sarah being shot. James chasing Bella. A baby crying. It freaked him out that he would dream those things. How was he supposed to know they were warnings? He didn't believe in seeing the future, or dreams coming true, or people that spoke to the dead. Sylvia Brown and John Edwards were some of the greatest liars in the world according to Edward.

But the dreams he had once considered nightmares, had turned out to be reality.

_I'm open, you're closed  
Where I follow, you'll go  
I worry I won't see your face  
Light up again_

Edward stood awkwardly on Sarah's porch with Bella. They were both dressed in all black Amish attire to pay their respects.

Bella had asked him the day before if he was sure he wanted to do this. "I have to go," he told her.

Bella had nodded. "I know," she said a few tears sliding down her face.

They stood in front of the door for a few moments, Bella being patient waiting for Edward to be ready. He hesitantly knocked on the door.

When Sarah's father opened the door, Edward bowed his head, a gesture to say he was sorry. The house was somber as people sat in the front room; Edward knew her body was in the room next to it. "Would you like to see her?" Sarah's father asked Edward and Bella.

Bella looked to Edward for the answer. "Yes," Edward choked out. Sarah's father led the way through the living room where everyone was sitting and into the dinning room where Sarah's body was covered by a white sheet.

Her father pulled down the sheet revealing the shell of his daughter's body. Edward raised his hand, wanting to stroke her hair but wasn't sure if that was acceptable, so he stopped himself. He wanted to ask for a minute alone, but again he wasn't sure if that was right.

He noticed she was wearing all white. "Her wedding clothes," Bella whispered. She didn't mean to say it aloud, but Edward heard. Bella covered her mouth when his eyes shot to hers. She had wedding clothes. She had hopes of marrying Edward, and Edward was very comfortable with the idea before everything had happened.

"I'm so sorry," Edward whispered placing a kiss on his fingers and placing them on her forehead.

The sheet was pulled back over her, and they were led back into the living room, where silence and sadness engulfed them as they sat with everyone and mourned.

They stayed the longest with Sarah's family, but Bella wanted to make it to all of her former student's homes to pay her respects.

It was one of those days that never had an end. As much as they felt drained with each home, each life taken too soon and gone too quickly, it still managed to drain more from them.

The next day, Edward and Bella followed a few buggies behind the horse-drawn hearse that carried Sarah to her final resting place.

Charles spoke at her grave site, reminding everyone that the focus should not be on the world she left behind but the new world she entered. "Jesus said in the Gospel according to John, chapter five; 'I say to you, he who hears my word and believes in he who sent me, has eternal life. He is passed from death to life. Most assuredly, I say to you, the hour is coming, and now is, when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God; and those who hear will live. For as the Father has life in Himself, so He has granted the Son to have life in Himself, and has given Him authority to execute judgment also, because He is the Son of Man. Do not marvel at this; for the hour is coming in which all who are in the graves will hear His voice and come forth-those who have done good, to the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil, to the resurrection of condemnation. I can Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me,"

Sarah's casket was lowered silently into the ground as Charles spoke a hymn. Bella and Edward weren't ready to face him, slipping away before anyone could notice they were gone.

_Even the best fall down sometimes  
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme  
Out of the doubt that fills my mind  
I somehow find  
You and I collide_

"Edward," Bella pushed down the fear inside of her that told her to run. It was too hard to talk about their future with everything going on. Running would be easier. But it wasn't the right thing.

He looked up at her, the light in his eyes was smoldering since the flame was burnt out three days ago. Neither of them had spoken to her father. They had managed to avoid him. Only because they didn't know what they would tell him or what they planned to do about the sticky situation they found themselves in.

"I can't stay here forever," Bella hedged hoping he would understand that they needed to talk. Waiting wasn't an option. There was no time to lend itself until the wounds of the shooting healed. Or Edward's heart, which Bella knew was broken over Sarah's death.

The fact remained that their child was growing inside Bella.

"I want to go home," Edward told her. Bella looked at him for more information because where was his home? Did he mean the home he made for himself the past few months or the home he'd left behind?

"My home in Chicago," he clarified upon seeing the confusion on Bella's features. "I don't know if I want to stay there...I don't want to be here...I need to see my family."

Bella nodded in understanding, he needed support she couldn't give him. He needed time and space to figure everything out. She wasn't mad at him for it, just disappointed.

"You'll come with me, won't you?" Edward asked. "Cause I need you there...I need them to meet you...I need to figure out what the hell to do."

"Yeah, I'll come with you, of course," Bella assured him. He held his arms out, inviting her into his lap. She willing snuggled against him.

"We have to talk to your father before we go," Edward whispered into her neck. Her fingers found his hair which had started to grow out around the sides. She only nodded in response.

She knew it was only a matter of time before they had to face him. That wasn't Bella's biggest fear though. Her biggest fear was for Edward. How he would handle this new tragic event that he had to deal with on top of everything else he had been through. How sad would he be over losing Sarah? As much as Bella hated that he'd sort of moved on with her, it was only because of something she'd done. If she hadn't run away he wouldn't have had to seek comfort with someone else.

Her fingers moved down his jaw and over the course stubble from him not shaving for the last few days. There was so much left unsaid, so many questions about where they stood with one another, none of which could be give the proper time or attention in the wake of everything else that was going on.

Edward knew where he had to start with Bella: the truth about the type of monster he was. "Bella, I know you saw a lot of stuff about me on the internet while you were gone, and you think you know everything," Edward swallowed thickly before telling her the story about how he was finally set free.

Bella listened to him intently, never moving from her spot on his lap, her fingers never losing contact with his skin. She hoped it gave him solace that she loved him still, even if he hated himself for what he'd done.

"I'm a monster Bella, A murderer," Edward told her as a tear escaped his eye.

Bella shook her head adamantly. "No, no you are not those things, Edward. James, he is those things...not you. Please. You did what any other man would do." She tried to assure him. But she stopped, because he was there trying to learn how to forgive..._himself_. It wasn't as if the words hadn't been spoken to him by others.

"That's not true, Bella. For hundreds of years, the Amish were martyrs. I want to be able to be that strong. If I were a better man...I'd be dead."

"The Lord has a plan for everyone, Edward. It wasn't your time. You are here for a reason...this child I bear is here for a reason."

"Sarah was a martyr. She welcomed the chance to die in place of all those girls...me...I did the opposite. What kind of man does that?" Edward asked.

"The Bible says 'do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good'." Bella told him, peppering his jaw with kisses.

"I must be the lost sheep," Edward sighed. His eyes closed as he focused on Bella's lips tasting him. She was good. He would let her overcome him.

_I'm quiet you know  
You make a first impression  
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind_

Edward paced in anger on the porch of Charles' home after his wife told him where her husband was.

"Edward, please come sit. You're like a man on fire!" Bella pleaded with him.

"How could he go there, Bella? How could he go to _his_ funeral? After everything he did?" Edward asked raising his voice. "He killed Sarah! He killed children! Little girls!"

Bella watched Edward shake with anger. Scared to reach out to touch him, afraid that after everything he might explode and she wouldn't be enough to stop it.

Charles was approaching, and Edward didn't realize he was there until he felt his hand on his shoulder bringing him to a halt. "Edward, are you okay, son?" Charles asked.

"You went to his funeral?" Edward asked him in disbelief. Charles nodded, confirming that he was indeed at the funeral service for James. "I do-don't understand how or _why_?"

"Edward, we live our lives to be like Christ as much as humanly possible. Christ forgives. It is not our job to judge, or to hold grudges. We pray the Lord's Prayer everyday. For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your heavenly Father forgive your trespasses. His family is suffering too. It does us no good to hold on to hatred. He will stand in front of the Lord and he will be judged justly. Holding on to the hate and anger will only tear us apart." Charles explained. "Come inside," he offered Edward.

The three of them walked into the home and settled in the living room. Charles knew his daughter would come to him when she was ready or had no other choice.

Her stomach was still small and the pregnancy was not obvious to anyone. She wasn't sure if she would reveal this information to him or not today.

"What's going on kids?" Charles asked.

"I, ah...need to see my family," Edward told him. He wasn't sure how Charles would take the news or tell him he was welcomed to come back. He hoped he was. He was certain if it meant having Bella back, he would allow it. There was no way she could come back with her child and no husband, and Edward was correct in knowing she would not leave the baby to be Amish.

The baby made them a packaged deal, whether they faced the harsh world and the judgments over their age gap or if they chose to live the rest of their lives Amish.

Edward knew they could chose to leave whenever they wanted, if Bella really hated it. He just didn't want to put her in that position. He wanted her to be wherever made her happy, not someplace she suffered with for his sake.

"You're running away. How can you expect to overcome anything if you keep running from it?" Charles asked. "If you want to see your family because you miss them, I give you my blessing to go. It seems to me that you are running away, though."

Bella was upset. It wasn't just that he needed some time away from everything but also that he didn't want to become a stranger to his family. It wasn't as if becoming Amish forced him to give them up. They were not shunned. He wanted them to be a part of his life, to know Bella. To know they were becoming grandparents.

To see if he could make out without the crutch or false security that nothing bad happened here.

"He's not running away, daddy," Bella argued.

"Isabella, you don't know what you're talking about," Charles said, angry at her interruption.

"Daddy, I _know_ Edward."

"I am aware that you _know_ Edward, Isabella, do you think I am blind? Do you think I don't see things? Do you think I didn't know that the two of you have been shacked up at that Motel on Route One the past few days? You think because you are on Rumspringa your behavior is overlooked. It is not. And neither can Edward's actions while he was here be overlooked." Charles told her, letting her know he knew what they had yet to admit to him. And that he wasn't likely to let Edward ever become baptized in the Amish faith.

"Tell me Daddy, if I return, am I expected to find a nice Amish couple to adopt my baby?" Bella asked belligerently.

"Bella," Edward spoke up to stop her from causing a scene. It was a miracle Charles had let him stay as long as he did. In all honesty, he wanted to be like Christ and forgive. Because that is what the Lord did everyday, over and over. If he was honest part of him allowed him to stay in the hopes of keeping his daughter as well.

Bella stopped herself as her father tried to reign in his anger. "What about forgiveness, Daddy? What if Edward and I want to come back? What if this is the life we want for our baby?" she asked in a calmer tone.

"If you and Edward both search your hearts, and pray about it, and you are led back here, I will welcome you home," Charles told them. "Both of you,"

"I'm sorry," Edward told him. "I never meant to let you down or disappoint you."

"You haven't. You are just a little lost right now."

**Reviews are awesome. If you want a teaser let me know in the review. **

**Wanna rec? I spent the past day reading For the Summer – really good. It's almost complete thank god cause I couldn't have handled waiting for those updates! **


	16. Chapter 16

**Sm owns, not me. ****Lots of Love to ScottishRose1028 for her beta skillz! And HippieStar for being my pre reader and helping me figure out what the hell to do with these two. **

_There's an old proverb that says you can't choose your family. You take what the fates hand you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not, you cope. Then there's the school of thought that says the family you're born into is simply a starting point. They feed you, and clothe you, and take care of you until you're ready to go out into the world and find your tribe._

The crisp wind blew causing Bella's face to be covered in a veil of her dark hair. Her teeth chattered as Edward held her hand outside the airport as he tried to flag down a taxi.

Bella hugged her jacket closer to her as a taxi pulled up and began loading the few bags they had brought into the trunk.

"Where to?" the cab driver asked peering through the rear view mirror at Edward and Bella.

"1318 North Wolcott," Edward told him the address to his condo. He had called and spoken to Emily a few days before they had left. He didn't want to kick her out, but he didn't want to stay with his parents if he didn't have to. He wasn't sure how his father was going to handle everything. Emily had told him that she was hardly ever there since she spent most of her time at Sam's.

Emily had been trying to figure out a way to talk to him about the condo; she wanted to sell it.

"I don't know what's going on Em, but if you want to move out, I can handle paying for it myself. I don't know if I want to sell it," Edward told her over the phone.

"So, you don't know how long you're going to hang around then?" Emily asked.

"No," Edward told her. It was still hard to talk to her after the way he had hurt her.

"Maybe we can meet for coffee or something while you are here? I know Sam would love to see you."

"I don't know Em...I'm bringing someone," Edward explained.

"Edward that is so great! Sam and I would love to meet her."

"I'll let you know," Edward conceded. He did miss his best friend.

Emily went by the condo and made sure she removed all of her clothes. She was excited to tell Sam that she could move in with him officially. Sam was happy that Edward was able to hold a normal conversation with her. When he had left months ago, he couldn't even say her name. She really thought Edward was getting better, and knew that this new girl had a lot to do with that.

Edward loved his condo in Wicker Park. It had rounded windows across the front, Brazilian cherry hardwood floors, and the cabinets were espresso colored with a marble back splash. It was an open floor plan and had three bedrooms.

He had never needed that much space, but he felt at home the minute he stepped through the door. He bought it before leaving for boot camp, and asked Emily to move in with him. After everything that happened, and all the hurt and pain he'd caused her, he couldn't tell her to leave. It was her home too, and he was the one running.

So he had left, and made sure everything would be taken care of. He couldn't scare her and leave her homeless.  
Bella watched in awe as they passed through Chicago. Edward pointed out a few landmarks to her along the way. When they pulled up to his building Bella's mouth dropped open.

"What?" Edward asked upon seeing the stunned face Bella had.

"Nothing," she said shaking her head. He helped her out of the cab and she pulled her jeans up that were slipping down her hips.  
Edward held her hand and their bags as he brought her up to his home.

They walked inside, and Edward dropped the bags by the door. Bella followed him down a short hallway that held the doors into the three bedrooms. She followed him down three steps into the kitchen and large living room. The round windows letting in light held a nice view of green trees, and a small park below.  
Bella stopped in the middle of the open floor, in front of the white marble fire place in awe. "Who are you?" she asked, as Edward leaned over the kitchen island.

"Edward Cullen?" he said it like it was a question.

"No, I mean...you're like _rich_. I thought you were going to bring me to some run down apartment with rats and cockroaches...not some fancy condo," she said waving her arms around. "I mean, I thought you were just a soldier or whatever."

"Bella, I joined the Army to avoid an Ivy League education. My father wasn't pleased with my rebellious choice of not following in his footsteps," Edward explained. "He said I was taking a vacation in coach from first class."

"How could you leave all this for the plain life?" Bella asked sinking into his black sofa.

"I never was impressed by any of it. I just wanted to serve," Edward sighed.

Bella picked up a picture that sat on the glass table next to the couch. It was of Edward; he was in his Army uniform, his forehead pressed against a tall, thin, olive skinned girl with shiny black hair down her back. She was beautiful. Edward looked happy, in love.

"That's Emily...before I left for my tour." Edward said, taking the picture from her hands.

"I can see how much you loved her," Bella said, as Edward placed the picture down.

"I was a different person then," Edward said. He took a seat next to Bella on the couch, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Tell me about him?" Bella asked, because she believed he was still there...somewhere. The boy who hated status, the one who wanted to prove that he was more than his money, that he was more than his father's son.

"I'm what people would call a trust fund baby. I had everything growing up. I never wanted for anything. My father expected a lot from me... and I resented that. I didn't want to anything I didn't earn. I didn't want any handouts. I resented the kids at school who thought I bought my way into Dartmouth, which was true. It's the reason I finally got the balls to enlist. I found out my father funded a new science wing. I was never sure if people were my friend because of _me_ or because of the money. I met Emily my senior year in high school, and they hated her. I was pretty much set on going to Dartmouth at the time. I wanted to feel like more than a leach, always taking, never giving. I hated feeling like I had some silver spoon... I just wanted to be held responsible...earn something. Not because of money or status, but just because I worked my ass off and earned it. I've never been the same since."

"Why did they dislike Emily?" Bella asked. It made her uneasy about meeting them.

"She wasn't from the right side of the tracks. They thought she was a bad influence on me, she wasn't good enough or up to their standards or whatever."

"I'm nervous," Bella admitted.

"About what?" Edward asked tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Meeting your family. Emmett told me my age would be a problem."

"Bella, I don't know how this all works. I don't know what happens to a sixteen-year-old Amish girl that leaves, if that's what we choose...I mean you're a minor here and it's all very complicated. I would never have started any type of physical...fuck not even a platonic relationship with a sixteen-year-old girl here. Ever."

"And your parents...what will they think?"

"Well, since you already told my father you're pregnant," Edward said giving her a glare to let her know he wasn't exactly pleased that she had done that, "they really don't have a choice but to accept you if they want to be included... Bambi, you're very easy to love. Trust me, they will see you for how amazing you are and forget all about the fact that you're a minor." Edward smirked. It was the first real smile he'd given her in months.

"SIXTEEN, EDWARD?" Bella cringed next to Edward as his father animatedly waved his arms in disapproval. "I can't believe you! First the Army over med school, and then you leave to be Amish, and now you bring home a sixteen-year-old Amish girl, pregnant no less!"

"Carlisle, please calm down," Esme, Edward's mother, implored him. She wanted her son back, and she saw the light that Bella brought back in him. The last thing she wanted was her son to hightail it back to Lancaster.

"Nothing I do is ever right!" Edward yelled back. "Not to _you_, anyway! You never gave a shit about what I wanted. All you ever accomplished was pushing me away! Being with Bella...is _right_, whether you think that's possible or not."

Bella stood timidly to the side, unable to make eye contact with anyone but Edward. Edward looked at the girl he could never walk away from, no matter what, and was thankful she was in his life. Not matter what events had happened in the past to bring them together.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up on people. Then the dam bursts, and all you can do is swim. Edward could only lie to himself for so long. He was tired and he was scared, denying it didn't change the truth. Sooner or later he had to put aside his denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing. Denial: it's not just a river in Egypt, it's an ocean. Now he had to figure out how to keep from drowning in it. The only life jacket he could see was Bella. "Look, I didn't come here to be judged by you. I didn't come here to get your approval. I came here to get some support." Edward took a deep breath to calm himself down. "Every death I ever saw in war...nothing, none of it, compares to what I saw in that school house. Do you have any idea how hard it is to put six-year-old girls into body bags? Because _I_ do. I didn't come here to create more gossip for the rich housewives of Chicago, though God knows they love to talk about me," Edward scoffed with a cynical chuckle. "And I'm sure they will love to know how I got a sixteen-year-old pregnant. I came here because I don't want to run away anymore. I can't run from hate. I can't run from evil."

"Are you saying you want to stay here?" Bella finally spoke up, confused.  
Edward didn't even consider what he was saying or that was the way he felt, he was just speaking from his heart, and those were the words that poured from his lips.

"All I know is, I don't regret anything anymore, because everything that happened to me brought me here, to Bella. And I wouldn't give back a single day if it meant never finding her...and Bella...I can be anywhere as long as you're by my side."

Bella smiled at Edward. He had stopped running. He was accepting. He couldn't change the past and everything he had suffered through had a purpose, to bring him to her. She wasn't sure what got him from point A to B, but whatever it was, she was grateful.

Edward knew he had cared a great deal for Sarah. He knew that if Bella had never come back, he would have married her. It would have been a second choice life, but he would have been content. He would have grown to love her, even if he would have always been in love with Bella.

Now that Bella was back, his feelings for her eclipsed what he had felt for Sarah. It didn't mean that he cared any less for her or was hurting less over her death; just that Bella was the woman he was meant to be with. She was his home.

He thought of Sarah quoting old movies or laughing at his failed attempts to pronounce German. He thought of how they would stroll by the schoolhouse hand-in-hand every day after school. She was always trying to teach him something new about the Amish life.

_They had stopped by the oak tree and sat side by side, while she read some Amish romance novel out loud, pointing out all the flaws. She said she was going to write her own novel about living Amish and falling in love._ _"Maybe even with an English man," she had laughed._

"_Oh? Will be become Amish for her, or will she leave her world behind for him?" Edward had asked her._

"_I'm not sure, I guess I'll have to wait and see." Edward had brought his arm around her and kissed the top of her head._

"What are you thinking about?" Bella asked Edward, bringing him from his memory.

"Just the past," Edward smiled. He knew when he'd seen Sarah lying in a puddle of blood that she wasn't there. He knew that she was soaring high above in the heavens. The memories didn't make him sad; they actually brought a small smile to his face.

Things in the Cullen house calmed down after the initial shock. Esme invited everyone to sit in the less-formal living room of the classic greystone. Before they made their way out of the large kitchen, Esme stopped her son.

"Edward, I'm so glad you are home," she told him with another hug.

"Me too Mom, me too," Edward said, enjoying the comfort of his mothers arms.

"I know you have a lot going on, but how do you feel about becoming a father?"  
Edward ran his hand through his hair. He hadn't really had time to actually process that information. "I'm getting used to the idea," Edward smiled at her.

"And, Bella? She is so young. If you stay, she won't have much help or support," Esme said.

"She isn't an average sixteen-year-old, Mom. She was raised a lot differently. At sixteen, most Amish start looking for husbands or wives. She is more prepared for this role than I am," Edward explained.

"Well, if you stay, I will do anything I can to help."

"Thanks Mom," Edward said, wrapping his arm across her shoulder as they made their way to join Bella and Carlisle.  
Bella was in shock after everything Edward had revealed since they arrived. Esme asked her husband to have an open mind about Edward's relationship with Bella. She could see how special their love was, and she knew it was just what Edward needed.

Edward and Bella, told them about how they had begun to see each other, with Edward protecting her from her rebellious ways. Carlisle got a kick out of this; he thought for sure that his son would be the first to encourage testing boundaries.

As much as Edward believed that his father was disappointed in him, he wasn't at all. He was proud of his son for being able to stand up for what he wanted, and be different. It was just very hard for him to admit it aloud.

"I'd like to make a toast," Esme announced. No one was actually drinking except Carlisle who had a glass of scotch, but she wasn't going to let that stop her.

"Nothing makes sense in this world. It's a mystery how anything happens. But, it's what we do about it that counts. How you both met, that was fate. But, that doesn't mean that it was easy and a lot of things came between you and your love. But, use your faith in each other and in the future and that's what I'd like to toast: to trusting that the end is worth it...and never letting go of that promise."

"Your mother is right. It was fate that brought Bella into your life Edward, and when fate comes into play, choice goes out the window. I hope the two of you find your place in the world, and we are here to do whatever we can to help you." Carlisle added. He held his glass up, Bella blushed as Edward brought his lips to hers for a chaste kiss, and everyone drank to fate.

Soon, Edward and Bella were back at his condo. Edward felt at home. "Home sweet home," Edward yawned, stretching his arms above his head, his t-shirt riding up to expose his stomach and the line of hair down his belly button. He was exhausted after the flight and all of the revelations of the day. It felt good to open up, let people in. It felt good to swim. At least now he knew he was heading to shore.

"This is where you belong," Bella said. She wasn't sure how she felt about it. She knew that Edward didn't need to be Amish.  
For the first time in months, Edward knew where he belonged and Bella was right. "You're right. I've missed it here." Edward smiled at her. "Do you like it here? I mean I know we have only been here a day, but could you see yourself here?" Edward asked, because if she hated it, he would leave it behind for her. He missed his parents, even if things with his father were never exactly easy.

His father surprised him tonight. For the first time, Edward felt like his father had his back.

"I don't know," Bella told him. There were things about being English she loved, but there were also things she didn't enjoy.

"I don't get it...I thought this would be what you wanted...not to be Amish. Not to be so restricted, I thought this whole trip was to see if I could survive without that crutch...?"

"Edward, I was Amish for sixteen years. That is sixteen Thanksgivings, sixteen birthdays, sixteen Christmases, and in one day I am supposed to make a choice to end that, to lose my family? A person doesn't do that, not without a little hesitation. I'm entitled to a little uncertainty here, for just a moment to understand the magnitude of what it means to cut somebody out of my life. I am entitled to at least one moment of doubt and a little understanding from you would be nice."

"You're right, I'm sorry," Edward told her bringing her into a hug.

"I'm not saying no, I just need more than a one day."

"I know. We have a lot to talk about still. I just never thought I'd still feel like I was home here, and it feels good."

"I know, Edward. I'm so glad you are making progress...but when I wanted to get out so bad, leave that all behind, it wasn't as real. I mean here we are and I can get out and it's scary all of a sudden. I have so many questions. I don't even know which one to ask first. I think my dad was right, we really need to ask the Lord what to do."

**Reviews are always appreciated, and if you want a teaser let me know. The next chapter is complete and I think it might be one of my favorites! **


	17. Chapter 17

**SM owns, not me**

*******************IMPORTANT author note at the bottom, please read it!***************** **

**ScottishRose1028 is my awesome beta, and HippieStar truly rocks when I am trying to figure these wacky kids out, cause I'm telling you, they aren't being very helpful in telling me where the heck they belong. **

**Unfortunately, there is going to be a sacrifice, but isn't there always in a good story?** **I hope you enjoy this chapter as much I as do. The story is winding down, and I love you all so much for reading it, reviewing, rec'ing it on your blogs. One more chapter and an Epi, and srsly if more of you reviewed, even just to say hello, it mean a lot to know you were still with me! **

"_Not all wounds are superficial. Most wounds run deeper than you can imagine. You can't see them with the naked eye. And then there are the wounds that take us by surprise. The trick with any kind of wound or disease is to dig down and find the real source of the pain - and once you've found it, try like hell to heal that sucker"_

Bella followed Edward up the three steps toward the bedroom. He had given her a quick tour earlier in the day when they had first arrived. He showed her the two bathrooms, the deck outside the rounded windows, the guest room, and his room. When she went to open the third bedroom door, Edward stopped her.

"I don't use that room anymore," he told her.

"Oh..." Bella shrugged. She stopped and turned to Edward. She wanted to ask about the room, but she stopped herself. "I...ah, I wanted to call my sister," Bella explained to him. She was sure Rose was worried sick. It wasn't as if she could go to Lancaster or call anyone there to see how things were. Bella knew the only way they would talk is if she called. She felt guilty for not calling sooner, but she was still upset over Rose lying to Edward. Even if that did seem trivial after the week they had.

"Yeah, the phone's on the kitchen wall next to the fridge," Edward told her.

Edward didn't want Bella to feel like she was being listened to, so he continued into the bedroom. He pulled off his jeans, and slipped in his favorite sweat pants. Then he climbed under the black and blue covers on his bed, attempting to stay out of whatever caused Bella to raise her voice out in the living room. This was her fight. He would be waiting for her if she needed a hug or someone to be on her side when she came in to go to sleep.

Edward rested his arm behind his head, as he started at the ceiling, waiting for his Bella to come keep him warm. Make him feel safe. His eyes were heavy, and Bella's conversation was taking much longer then he expected. He couldn't stay awake, and he fell into a deep sleep.

~X~

"You are in Chicago? Bella, the community just had a terrible tragedy and you should be there! Not with that _Edward_, in Chicago!"

"Rose you don't know anything. Dad went to _his _funeral; they are helping his family with food and money donations. And they forgive him. Yet you are shunned. It makes no sense to me. Why can't he forgive you and allow you to visit? It's so frustrating there! I attended all the services. _We_ attended all the services. It's more than just running away. Everyone is saying that about Edward, but let's look at this logically Rose, Edward is running back. Because he ran away from here before he ran from the Amish." Bella lectured her sister on what she thought needed to be said about the situation and how she thought they were handling themselves.

"So, are you not coming back? Is that where you are going to start your life?" Rose asked.

"I'm not sure, yet. Okay? We haven't had much time to think about everything. We agreed that right now, this is where we should be. Have the baby. Give me some time here to see if I like it."

"And what is Edward going to do to support you, Bella? What about going to school? Emmett and I can take care of you. You can go to school and we can help with the baby. If you want to leave the baby with us, you know I will love it as my own."

"I know Rose, but it's not fair if I don't explore all my options. And being here with Edward is one of them. He said he can join the police force; he just has to do a twelve week course. I can go to school here, or get my GED. I'm not saying I have made my choice; I'm just giving it a chance. I can't pick the best choice for you, or the best choice for Daddy, I have to pick the best choice for _me._"

"Pfft...and _Edward_," Rose said his name as if it would burn her tongue.

"Yes and Edward, and our daughter. And you have to give him a chance because he will always be in my life." Bella went on to discuss more things, and Rose said she and Emmett wanted to fly out for a weekend to give Edward that chance.

When Bella crept inside the large bedroom, she didn't hesitate to place her head on Edward's chest. "I love you," she whispered to his sleeping form, and with a kiss on the cheek she closed her eyes.

~X~

"_Sarah!" Edward screamed as violent water crashed below. _

_Sarah was hanging on a ledge. The fall wasn't high enough to kill her, but she kept telling Edward she couldn't swim. Edward knew if she fell she would drown._

"_Don't let go! Look at me," Edward said, "Don't look down! Look me in the eyes!" He reached out his hand as her shaky hand went for his but she wasn't strong enough, and she screamed as her body hit the water._

"_FUCK! SARAH!" Edward yelled as he watched her surface, gasping for air. He saw a rock, and he knew he needed to get her to that rock._

Bella woke up when she heard Edward scream for Sarah. "Edward!" she said shaking up awake. "It's just a dream babe, just a dream," she soothed his sweaty hair. He caught his breath and fell back onto the pillow. "Sorry," he said to the ceiling. "Don't be," Bella said bringing herself closer to him.

"_What's worse? New wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."_

The next day, Edward wanted to take Bella to his favorite place in Chicago. When he was growing up, he loved going to the Navy Pier. He usually went with his Nanny, but on the best days, his dad would take him.

When he first laid eyes on the uniformed men, he knew he wanted to be like them. Strong, proud, independent, fearless. That idea stuck in his head until the day he enlisted. Edward told Bella stories about his childhood, and all the fun he had there. How he skinned his knee running to get in line for the swings, and then threw up, the spinning not agreeable with his stomach. Then his dad bought him a Navy shirt, that read '_Take on a role that defies convention_' and an ice cream cone to make him feel better. Edward still owned that shirt, even with all the holes his mother had sewed up.

He told her how he loved to wear his Cubs hat and go into the pitching cages, and see how fast he could make the ball fly. When he came with his dad, he used to go on the bumper cars with him.

"He would always tease me, cause he'd say I kept hitting the same car on purpose, because there was a cute girl and I had a crush. I would be mortified, cause he'd always wave at her. Can't complain though, that's how I got my first girlfriend when I was twelve," Edward smirked.

It was windy, and the water was choppy beneath them when they walked down the pier to enjoy the view. The boats were all so huge. Bella wanted to ride one, but first she wanted to go on the merry go round. Edward said he couldn't handle the spinning.

"You big baby! It's a sissy ride!" Bella laughed at him.

"I can't help it. I don't like going around in circles okay?" Edward teased her back by pulling her closer to him by her jacket.

A boat went by causing a big wave to crash against the pier. "Oh my God!" Edward was frantic looking into the choppy water; he began to shrug out of his jacket.

"Edward, what is it?" Bella asked, trying to see what he saw in the water below. He didn't think twice as he jumped off the pier. He landed with a sting into the cold water and searched for her.

"SARAH!" he called out over and over.

"Edward!" Bella called down to him. He was searching the water for a ghost. Bella felt warm tears run down her face as she called for him. "She isn't there Edward! PLEASE! Come out!"

He looked under water for her, still nothing. He was having trouble swimming in the water. A black wave came up and brought him under. He struggled to reach the surface, but then his head hit the wooden pole that secured the pier. And then he stopped. A light called to him in the distance and he swam toward it.

"OH GOD!" Bella screamed when she didn't see him come back up. "HELP! Somebody help! My boyfriend is in there!" People came running over, and luckily the Coast Guard wasn't far. Edward's body floated to the surface, face down. "Oh please Lord! Don't take him from me!" Bella cried as they pulled him out of the water and began to do CPR.

She raced down the steps and onto the beach to be by his side.

In the water, Edward kept swimming toward the light. He saw the faces of all the girls that were killed, even Sarah's. They were smiling. Edward had a nagging feeling that he should still be fighting but he still swam over.

"Join, us" Sarah said clearly even though she was underwater.

Edward looked up at the surface, he saw Bella looking down at him, her eyes frantic, wide with fear. He swan towards the light.

Edward awoke on a beach, coughing out water, as Sarah sat by his side, tossing pebbles into the vast ocean.

"What happened in that water?" Sarah asked.

"I saw you...drowning. I jumped in. I swam, I fought." Edward coughed up some water.

"No, you didn't, and you can't stay here, Edward." Sarah told him

"I don't want to! I have no idea what the hell to do!" Edward argued with her.

"Yeah, you do. It's easier here, but you can't stay. Because your parents already lost you twice, Bella will lose you, all those parents lost their children, and then your baby will lose you..."

"Stop!" Edward yelled, upset.

"They are barely breathing - this would break them, and none of them deserves that. And this, this is the big one, so you pay attention. Do you know what kind of miracle it is that Bella is who she is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like her even _exists_? She is still an optimist. She still believes in true love and magic and soul mates. She's waiting for you, and if you don't come back from this...you will change who she is."

"I can't," Edward told her, hoping she would let him stay.

Sarah stood up from the sandy beach, and Edward chased after her. Before he knew it, he was looking at the future. A future where he wasn't there.

He peered into a bassinet that held his beautiful baby daughter. She had his eyes. But everything else was all Bella. She began to cry, and that was when he saw Emmett come to pick her up. "Shhh, I got you," he soothed.

Edward turned to Sarah. "Where is Bella? Why isn't she taking care of our child?" Edward asked.

Sarah wouldn't tell him any answers, just showed him. She brought Edward back to his condo. It looked the same, except there were portraits of Edward sketched all over the spacious walls. Bella was not who she once was. She was broken. Black words weaved through the sketches of his face. "Come back." "We need you." "I love you."

Sarah led him out the front door, but they now stood in a park. Edward easily picked out his daughter from the crowd. She began to run to him, yelling "Daddy!" He smiled waiting to feel her in his arms, but she went straight through him, and into the arms of Emmett.

"Bella couldn't stand to see you in her eyes. She changed." Sarah explained to him.

"What happens to her?" Edward asked. Again, Sarah had no words, and led him between two trees.  
They walked into Edward's bedroom and Edward knew that years had passed. Bella was lifeless on the bed, a needle still inside her vein. She was gone. Edward choked on a sob at the sight of her.

"Does our daughter know about us?" Edward cautiously asked the future.

"She does, Bella arranged for your trust fund to become hers...I guess I can show you," Sarah said, opening the bedroom window. Edward followed her out, the fall landing them in a stack of hay.

Edward recognized the place...Charles' home. He knew without a doubt that the beautiful girl sitting across from him was his daughter. Her long brown hair with red highlights and piercing green eyes. She had the same mannerisms as her mother.

"Why did they leave?" she asked.

"To face their fears." Charles offered. "It was very brave of them to go."

"I'm angry at them...they both killed themselves...I have this money...from _him,_" she said with disdain. "And I want you to donate it. You knew him."

"I did, and he'd want his daughter to have it," Charles told her, rubbing his completely grey beard.

"I have a father, he makes sure I am taken care of," she said placing a black book on the table. "That's everything. I don't want any parts of the people that made me," she said upon standing up and literally walking right through Edward.

"I have to go," Edward said.

~X~

The EMT pounded on Edward's chest for thirty counts, and then gave him a breath of air, as a girl begged on the other side of the beach for him not to leave her.

"You can't do this to me Edward!" she cried through another sob. "I can't do this without you!" she yelled at him.

The medic performing CPR on Edward wasn't very optimistic. "It's been too long, we need to call it," he said sitting back, his arms heavy from the chest compressions.

"Give up?" Bella yelled at him. "You can't just give up! He wouldn't leave me like that! Please!" She cried burying her head in the crook of his neck. "Edward, please I need you. We need you. Please," she whimpered.

She wasn't going to give up, she began to copy what she had just seen the man do before her, what she had seen Edward do the past week at the school house, and she began chest compressions. Before she went to give him oxygen she kissed his cold blue lips. Before she could give him the air she breathed, he coughed violently, his back rising off the sand. Water ejected from his mouth. The medics were back at his side, calling it a miracle. Bella just hugged him close, and she knew as long as she never gave up on Edward, he would never give up on her.

Bella rode in the ambulance with Edward on the way to the hospital. She never let her hand fall out of his. His father was paged to come, and his mother arrived frantically. They were waiting in the empty room for him to return when a tall man in green scrubs with olive skin, bright blue eyes, and short black hair walked in.

"Sam!" Esme stood and hugged him. "How is he?" she asked.

"He needs to be watched for the next forty-eight hours for pulmonary edema since he inhaled water. Plus, we'll need to watch for renal failure. His blood pressure was low for too long." Sam explained.

When Bella looked lost by all the medical talk, Carlisle filled her in, after introducing her to Edward's best friend, a first year resident.

"They are afraid his lungs may have been aggravated, causing them to swell. This can lead to him drowning in his own body fluids. It's called drowning after drowning." Carlisle paused when Bella covered her mouth; she thought Edward was safe from drowning. Esme reached out and put her hand on Bella's shoulder to show her some comfort. "And renal failure is his kidneys. They play a very important role in ridding the body of toxins and controlling blood pressure."

"Is he...I mean, what are the chances of these things happening?" Bella asked.

"We don't expect any of these complications but we are going to be looking for them. In a few days, I'm sure he can go home," Sam smiled warmly at Bella.

When they asked Edward what happened, Bella begged him with her eyes not to lie. She mouthed "Get help...for us." He swallowed back his pride and he told them.

He jumped in after a ghost. Bella was proud; she smiled at him, kissed his temple and whispered a thank you into his ear. He squeezed her hand in return.

Once Edward was settled in a hospital bed, the psychiatrist, Dr. Dawn came in. She asked Bella to give them a moment to talk, but Edward insisted she stay.

Edward began to open up to the doctor about Sarah and the shooting. He knew he needed therapy, and he knew he would have to dig deeper than the shooting, but right now, he had jumped in to save a girl that was dead. That was what he wanted to talk about.

"Since the shooting, I feel like someone ripped out my stomach, filled the hole with asphalt. I laugh every time I remember that I'm never going to talk to Sarah again, because it just sounds like the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I can't believe it's real. But every time I look at her-" Edward paused to smile at Bella, "I feel better. It shocks me. It knocks my wind out, but it's true. I'd be happy just look at you from across the room. And even that, anything, any piece of you and hopefully, all of you... that'd be the best thing. Because I love you." Edward finished, never taking his eyes off Bella.

"I love you," she whispered back, making the doctor feel like she was intruding.

After he was released from the hospital, Edward began looking into training as a police officer, but since he was getting treated for PTSD, he was considered a liability, and told he couldn't start the training. It set him back, but also pushed him harder to get the help he needed. He was too proud to support Bella and their baby with his trust fund. He needed a job. Any job.

His first official meeting with Dr. Dawn, he told her about his time in the Army, leaving out nothing. Not even the fact that he wouldn't change a thing if it meant never having Bella - which made him feel guilty all over again. _He wouldn't save a life if it meant losing Bella?_

"Edward, some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. I think you believe this. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know or do we step forward to something new? It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us... what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we're making today." She explained to him.

"I just don't know how to come to grips with everything, I don't know why I feel like the only one in the world struggling with all this stuff haunting me, it's...it's exhausting. And I am scared." Edward finished, running his fingers through his hair.

"It's good to be scared; it means you still have something to lose."

He went home and began to share with Bella everything Dr. Dawn told him.

"BB, I don't know anyone who isn't haunted by something or someone. I mean, if I stay here, I don't know how to let go of my family. My father and mother, they will be alone. That will haunt me. So the only way we can clear out the cobwebs is to turn a new page or put the old story to rest."

"Is that what you want to do with me? Here?" Edward asked.

"I don't know Edward. I mean, you _died_. For like the longest two minutes of my life, you were dead. Because you saw something that wasn't there. I mean, is this the best place for us?"

"When I drowned, it was different for you than it was for me. Something happened to me, and I really don't know how to explain it without sounding like...I just feel different - I wanna be better at everything. Before I went in that water everything was so … complicated. Hard. And then they pulled me out of the water …and I came back to life. For a moment everything was so clear, as if the water had washed everything clean."

**Soooo reviews are always an amazing gift, and you can do it anonymously, I accept anonymous reviews for all my stories. And teasers are available for those that ask. **

**I just wanted to let everyone know, I am working on something new, with a new author. So, put me on author alert. It's different from anything I have written. It's college, it's betrayal, family loyalties are tested...It's first person present tense, which is soooo much fun to write. It's called Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers...and it should be posting really soon under the penname DirtySecerts10, so if you want to put that account on alert, and come support what looks to be a angsty new story (link to that account on my profile) I'd love you all to come on that journey with us! **


	18. Chapter 18

**SM owns. **

**Well everyone, here it is, THE END! Thanks to everyone that reviewed and rec'd and just supported these 2 it means so much to me! **

**ScottishRose1028 is my awesome beta! **

**HippieStarr is the best pre-reader a girl could have! And enabler, she enables...and plants seeds for stories she wants...and so well now I am working on a Teacherward story. I know I am crazy. It's fun to write though. Look out for it after I take my boards on the 15. **

_They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of a mountain. They're smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don't take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it. We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level. Nobody takes pictures of that. Nobody wants to remember. We just want remember the view from the top. The breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That's what keeps us climbing. And it's worth the pain. That's the crazy part. It's worth anything._

A new life. A second chance. Life was full of possibility. Edward stood in the dark bedroom peering into his daughter's crib. He had done this every night since she was born, watched her sleeping.

Between medication and therapy, his PTSD was improving. The medication mainly helped when he felt panic attacks rising. He tried not to take it every day, only when he felt he needed it.

Edward learned that life threw curve balls, and people had to keep reinventing themselves almost every minute because the world could change in an instant, and that there wasn't always time to look back. Sometimes the changes were forced, sometimes they happened by accident, but people needed to make the most of them. It meant having to constantly come up with new ways to fix themselves. So people change, they adapt, and create new versions of themselves. He learned a lot of valuable things from the Amish. He took the things he learned and tried to apply them to his life.

He was still confused with how Charles could attend James' funeral, but shun his daughter for choosing a different life. He respected Charles. He respected the Amish, and he took the positive things about their way of life, and used it in the new version of himself. Someone he was even becoming proud to be.

He knew the most important thing to do was to be sure that the new version was an improvement over the last.

Life got easier each day for Edward. It made him feel good to face his problems head on. He would never regret the events that brought him Bella; every choice brought him to this moment. He treasured that moment every night as he looked down in awe at the life they had created.

He stroked her fine chestnut hair, his index finger traced down her chubby cheek and around her ruby lips.

Bella was working toward her GED while Edward went back to school to become a doctor, at the University of Chicago. At first it was hard for him to accept living off of his trust fund, but once his daughter was born, he couldn't let his pride get in the way of taking care of her. He had the means to become a doctor, help people like himself, and be the type of man Bella and his daughter could be proud of.

It wasn't an easy choice for Bella to stay, but she knew she didn't belong in that world. It stifled her, made her feel suffocated. She knew her father would be more disappointed if she came back and lived a life she wasn't completely happy with. She wrote him a letter, with a photo of his granddaughter, Charlize Sarah Cullen. She knew she would never hear back from him. She had been shunned.

She and Edward didn't want to forget, any of it. When Edward suggested using Sarah as her middle name, Bella wasn't upset by it. She thought it would be a good way to honor her. She was a friend to Bella, and to Edward, when he needed one.

Bella and Edward went through a lot of paper work and red tape so that she could become an emancipated minor, with the help of a lawyer that had helped other Amish teens like Bella.

The lawyer understood where Bella was from. She knew the type of maturity Bella held beyond her years. She couldn't deny the love between Edward and Bella. She knew Edward wasn't taking advantage of a young girl. That he was in love with her. She saw it in the way he held her hand, kissed her temple, spoke her name, and watched her when she didn't even know he was looking. The way he had arranged himself to be her protector.

Edward knew the implications of being with a minor and knew that in order to avoid any more legal issues he had to marry her sooner rather than later. Bella had been sitting on the couch reading through some documents.

"You need anything, Bella?" Edward asked.

"Some OJ, please," she told him. Edward poured her a glass of orange juice, and brought it over to her. He kissed her cheek and then took the book from her hands, placing the papers down on the coffee table. Bella followed the action with her eyes and when she turned around, Edward was down on one knee with a velvet box housing a simple square-cut diamond ring.

"Bella, you saved me. When I was lost you helped me find my way. You gave me the most amazing gift with Charlie. You left a part of yourself behind to start a new life for me; I want to spend every day of the rest of my life making that choice worth it. I want us to share everyday together. Will you marry me?" Edward asked.

"Yes, God, Yes," Bella smiled. Edward stood and slipped the ring on Bella's shaky hand. He reached for the back of her head. He gripped the back of her bare neck, her hair was up in a messy bun, and kissed her.

Rose and Emmett flew in for the small private ceremony at the court house. After they were married they had dinner with Edward's parents. Once Emmett looked past his initial problems with Edward, he saw a decent guy. They became quick friends. It was almost as if they had known each other forever.

During the following few months, their lives changed drastically. There were still many things in the English world that Bella was naive to. Edward felt like a bit of an ass when the doctor came in to discharge Bella and Charlie from the hospital.

The doctor asked what she planned to use for birth control. Bella looked at Edward, "Um...withdraw?" she said it like it was a question.

Edward wanted to blend into the flowered wallpaper, a touch that was supposed to make the room homier. It was just ugly. It made it impossible to blend.

"Well, Bella, that isn't a recommended form of birth control. It's not very effective. Which is how I assume you became pregnant in the first place," the doctor told her.

"Oh," Bella said pursing her lips. "What are some better options?" she asked.

The doctor went on to suggest birth control pills, patches, condoms. Edward was happy he didn't have to. In the end Bella agreed to take birth control pills, since she planned to breast feed.

Edward climbed back into bed and wrapped himself up in the girl he loved. She moved closer to him, humming in pleasure at his return. "Go back to sleep," Edward whispered to her.

"It's been too long," she told him, turning her body around to face his. Her eyes fluttered opened and she traced the scruff along his jaw. She loved to see him in the English world. He was a new person, but at the same time still so familiar.

"The doctor said six weeks, Bella," Edward reminded her.

"It's been five and a half weeks, Edward. Please," she coaxed him with a sensual kiss.

He couldn't deny her any longer. His hands made quick work of getting her out of his t-shirt and underwear. He looked down at her ivory skin bathed in moonlight.

"God, I love you," he breathed out in a heavy sigh.

"I love you," she told him, holding his face in her hands before he kissed her again.

His mouth tasted her breasts, his long fingers held her close. "Tell me if it's uncomfortable," he told her.

He eased inside of her slowly, she responded with a moan.

"So good," she whispered.

Edward moved slow and steady at first. "More," Bella breathed.

He picked up his pace as his mouth tasted her breasts, her collarbone, her neck, and his teeth nipped on her earlobe. "Deeper," she urged him pulling her legs up.

He grabbed her leg and threw it up over his shoulder as he moved slower and harder inside of her. "Touch yourself," Edward urged Bella.

She moved her fingers to her sensitive bud and rubbed circles with just the right amount of pressure.

"Like this?" she asked.

"Just like that, that's perfect," he assured her.

He could feel her getting slicker. He could feel her foot that was over his shoulder stiffen.

"That's it Bella, come for me," he said. With a few more strokes, he felt her walls spasm around him.

Edward kissed her calf, licked behind her knee, and was pushed over the edge by the sight of Bella fondling her breasts. He collapsed next to her, trying to even out his breath.

She fell back to sleep with her head on his chest, as her fingers danced along his chest and her ear listened to the beat of his heart.

When Bella climbed out of bed the next morning, her legs felt like jelly as she walked down the three stairs toward the kitchen...in her house. A house she shared with Edward. She smiled when she saw him. He was on the couch with Charlie lying on his legs, her fingers wrapped around his thumbs.

"Morning," Bella yawned.

"Morning, B," Edward smiled. "Say morning Momma," Edward told the infant. She kicked her feet and moved her mouth. She was hungry. Edward cradled her in his arms, and her mouth moved against his chest, searching for something he didn't have.

Bella laughed and took her daughter. "Hey Charlie, you hungry?" she asked, sitting down and pulling her shirt up to feed her.

Edward kissed Bella's temple. He loved to see her like this with his daughter. His mother was smitten with her. She was the best thing to happen to the Cullens in a long time.

"I have to get ready for class," Edward told Bella. "Do you need anything before I get in the shower?"

"No, we're good," she smiled up at him and then back at her daughter.

A few weeks later, when Edward woke up with Charlie, he couldn't get her to settle down like he normally could. He tried rocking her, walking her, playing her musical mobile for her, but she wouldn't calm down. He walked her up and down the hall, and somehow he wandered into the room he hadn't been in for years.

He sat at the small piano he hadn't touched since he had joined the Army, and somehow he played with Charlie in his lap. As soon as he hit the first few notes she became still.

"You like that, Charlie?" he asked, hitting a few more keys. She reached out and tried to hit the keys, but her small hand wasn't strong enough to get it to make a sound.

Edward took her hand and helped her get the reaction she was looking for. She giggled with delight. Edward went on to play some more for her. For her laugh, for her stillness, for her awe. Just for being her.

It was soft and he found himself writing down the notes so he wouldn't forget. He wrote Charlie across the top and he felt free.

Bella had no idea that the room held a piano until the music woke her. She stood in the doorway and listened to the music, the content sigh from her daughter.

When she walked to stand next to Edward, she saw Charlie asleep, sitting in his lap.

"I didn't know this was in here," Bella said stroking the top of the square piano.

"Yeah, I haven't really felt like playing, Charlie loved it though. I might have to do it more often," he smiled, placing a kiss on her head.

"I bet she would like that," Bella said taking her from his lap. She placed the baby on her shoulder and walked her back to her room. She came back to get Edward,

"Let's go back to bed," she said holding out her hand.

"Coming, Mrs. Cullen," he said taking her hand.

Edward didn't want to remember anything but the view as he followed behind his wife back to their bed. He couldn't get any higher on this mountain.

**Sooo it ends. I'd love to hear from everyone! **


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